Projection Novel (Completed) - Chapter 69

When Cheon Sejoo opened his eyes in the dawn light, a familiar face was right before him. The owner of the face, beautiful in every aspect, was Sejin. Cheon Sejoo, with a hazy gaze, scrutinized the features before him. Why is Kwon Sejin here? That sudden thought made Cheon Sejoo slowly open his mouth as the memories of last night flooded back.

His trembling eyes swept over the sleeping Sejin, who lay facing him. Sejin’s soft hair showed traces of having been sweaty and then cooled, his pale face was only red around the eyes, and his slender neck clearly bore marks from fervent bites. Realizing that these contusions were his own doing, Cheon Sejoo turned his head away as if he couldn’t bear to look.

Cheon Sejoo clearly remembered the chain of events that led to him having sex with Sejin. He had told Sejin not to enter his room, knowing that his self-control would blur when drunk, but Sejin hadn’t listened. He resented Kwon Sejin for appearing and loitering, and found him ridiculous for spouting nonsense despite knowing nothing. His attempt to scare him away had, ironically, turned into a grave misstep.

Thinking back, it was utterly absurd. Cheon Sejoo let out a hollow laugh, recalling how his guard had utterly crumbled the moment he touched Kwon Sejin’s waist. At least the drunk Cheon Sejoo had enough conscience not to take advantage of the young boy. Even as he responded to Sejin’s provocations, he seemed to subconsciously know that Sejin was too good for him, and so he gave himself over.

However, a clear sequence of events didn’t immediately lead to acceptance. Cheon Sejoo, sober now, sighed softly, regretting his choices from last night immensely.

…It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He didn’t want to commit such a mistake, swept away by uncontrollable emotions… His downcast gaze turned to Sejin. Sejin, breathing softly like a child, looked utterly exhausted. It seemed they had finished sex after he had climaxed a couple of times post-insertion, and since it was Sejin’s first time with everything, it must have been emotionally and physically overwhelming for him.

Cheon Sejoo slowly reached out and touched that pitiful face. As his palm met Sejin’s soft cheek, Sejin’s eyelids trembled, and he naturally rubbed his face against Cheon Sejoo’s hand. He looked adorable, like a young animal seeking affection, yet seeing him like that brought a strange ache to Cheon Sejoo’s heart.

The thought that he could no longer turn back his feelings for Sejin plunged him into despair. The hands that had caressed him all night were so warm, and Cheon Sejoo, accepting Sejin’s kisses, found an inexpressible comfort.

For that moment, the questions about existence and the skepticism about life that had constantly plagued him since Han Jonghyun’s death seemed utterly insignificant. Just the realization that he was living in this moment—Sejin gave Cheon Sejoo that realization. And with it, the desire to continue living such a life…

So, his fear could only grow. The memory of finding solace in Kwon Sejin would never leave him, and if the owner of that memory were to leave his side, Cheon Sejoo might not be able to bear it any longer…

“…Cheon Sejoo.”

If that very person, who looked at him with eyes shining as if he owned the world, were suddenly to look at him with contempt… with a gaze of horror and disgust…

Sejin, waking up, reached a hand to Cheon Sejoo’s cheek. It was the moment Sejin, unable to believe he had woken up in the same bed as him, tried to confirm Cheon Sejoo’s presence.

“……”

Cheon Sejoo, with a hardened expression, pushed Sejin away and dropped from the bed onto the floor. Ignoring Sejin, who was staring up blankly at him, he picked up the clothes scattered on the floor and put them on.

He couldn’t just let this pass as if nothing had happened. Feeling as though he was deceiving Sejin, Cheon Sejoo didn’t want to kiss him. If he were to kiss him again, he wanted Kwon Sejin to know everything about him then.

“…What’s wrong?”

Sejin asked this when Cheon Sejoo had pulled his pants up to his waist. Sejin sat up, clutching the blanket that covered his lower body with both hands, and looked up at Cheon Sejoo, asking.

“What’s wrong…?”

His voice trembled excessively. Cheon Sejoo, flustered, looked up at Sejin. Licking his dry lips, Sejin swallowed surging emotions before opening his mouth again.

“Are you mad?”

He wasn’t mad. It wasn’t that. But he hesitated to explain. It was Cheon Sejoo’s first time spending a night like a mistake with someone he truly liked. It felt like being transported back to his awkward childhood relationships. Cheon Sejoo opened his mouth, flustered by the unfamiliar feeling, then shook his head with difficulty. That’s not it, he mumbled softly, then sighed and said,

“Give me… some time.”

Cheon Sejoo needed courage. The courage to shed all his flaws before Sejin, and the courage to endure the aftermath that would follow. Whether it was Sejin’s understanding of Sejin’s condemnation, he needed to prepare himself mentally to reveal everything. He needed a defense so he wouldn’t crumble before Kwon Sejin should he turn away from him.

He had said that, but Sejin interpreted Cheon Sejoo’s words differently.

“……”

Sejin, who had been looking up at him with a bewildered face, bit his lip and gave him a hurt look. It clearly wasn’t like this last night. Cheon Sejoo had continuously kissed Sejin, pressed his lips against his body, and had never pushed him away. So, faced with rejection the moment he opened his eyes, Sejin couldn’t help but make all sorts of conjectures.

Does he regret it now that he’s sober? He said he didn’t like young kids, is he acting like this because he regrets having an accident with someone like me? I didn’t realize it when we were doing it because he was so good, but now that he’s woken up, does he feel I’m too young? You’re the one who said it was okay. Did I propose, did I confess? Did I ask you to date me? Why are you suddenly like this? Asking for time, in a drama, that’s practically breaking up. I didn’t say anything!

His thoughts spiraled out of control. Sejin, instantly overcome with emotion, glared at Cheon Sejoo and clenched his fists. But whether Cheon Sejoo had no interest in his youth, or regretted last night, it didn’t matter anymore. Sejin had no intention of letting Cheon Sejoo go. He would rather weld the front door shut and be trapped and die inside with him than send him back to Kang Doyoon.

“Did I… ask you to meet me?”

“…What?”

Cheon Sejoo frowned and retorted, taken aback by Sejin’s sharp words. Glaring at him, Sejin revealed his desire for Cheon Sejoo.

“I didn’t intend to ask you to date me either! I’ll just be your sex partner, like that Kang Doyoon guy!”

Cheon Sejoo’s expression twisted in disbelief at Sejin’s raised voice, then turned coldly rigid after the word “partner” came out.

Regardless, Sejin was sincere. If his confession wouldn’t be accepted, he’d rather be a sex partner. If he could just hold Cheon Sejoo’s entire body and kiss him, even only during the nights they spent together, he felt he would want nothing more. Even if for a short time, if he could monopolize him, that alone would make him happy. But unaware of Sejin’s feelings, Cheon Sejoo coldly rebuked him.

“Kwon Sejin. What nonsense are you talking about?”

“What’s nonsense? You do it too.”

Sejin had learned the concept of a sex partner from Cheon Sejoo. So, the concept of a partner was different for him. To be able to spend an amazing night with him without dating – what kind of beneficial relationship could be better than that? It seemed like the next best thing to being Cheon Sejoo’s lover, so why was it nonsense? To Sejin, who questioned incomprehensibly, Cheon Sejoo sighed and said,

“…I mean, don’t treat yourself so carelessly.”

“……”

At those words, Sejin’s face crumpled into even more displeasure. Sejin, furrowing his brow, looked around. Feeling a bit embarrassed to still be undressed, Sejin reached out and picked up his T-shirt from the floor. His pants and underwear were too far away for him to go pick them up with his lower half exposed, nor could he ask Cheon Sejoo to pick them up for him. So, with his legs roughly wrapped in the blanket like a mermaid, Sejin sat on the bed, staring directly at Cheon Sejoo, and said,

“That’s what I should be saying.”

“What?”

At Sejin’s resolute voice, Cheon Sejoo crossed his arms. He had a feeling a troublesome conversation was about to begin. His prediction was accurate.

“If a sex partner treating me carelessly means that, then why do you do it with Kang Doyoon? You’re the one who shouldn’t treat yourself carelessly.”

“Hey, I’m an adult.”

“I’m an adult now too. I have the right to say this!”

At Sejin’s words, a boy who hadn’t even graduated high school, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t find anything to retort and merely let out a hollow laugh. Sejin and he had lived very different lives. For Cheon Sejoo, a sex partner was just one way to resolve desire, but for young Sejin, a sex partner was merely a relationship close to exploitation.

However, Sejin didn’t seem to think so. Huffing and puffing out his cheeks, he shouted at Cheon Sejoo.

“To me, you and I are the same. If being in such a relationship means I’m treating myself carelessly, then you’re treating yourself carelessly too. But why do you think it’s okay for you?”

After saying that, Sejin looked up at Cheon Sejoo with tightly clenched fists, as if feeling suffocated and hurt. His bitten lips were red. Sejin soon furrowed his brows and asked him,

“Why do you keep deprecating yourself? Why don’t you cherish yourself? When your hand got hurt, what did you tell me then? You said it was nothing. But think about it in reverse. If I got hurt like that and said the same thing, you would have been angry with me. Am I wrong?”

The grievances piled up like mountains in his heart began to burst out, one by one. These grievances weren’t about himself. They were about the coldness Cheon Sejoo showed towards himself.

He felt like his insides were bursting. He had waited and waited, but he couldn’t anymore. Sejin brought up the deeply buried story, waiting for Cheon Sejoo to speak first.

“It’s the same with the hospital bills. Paying for Mom’s hospital bills, paying off the debt, why didn’t you tell me? When were you planning to tell me? Were you planning to tell me before I died? No, right?”

“……”

At the unexpected words, Cheon Sejoo frowned and fell silent. He hadn’t seemed to think Sejin knew about it. Noticing from his troubled expression that he still wanted to hide the truth, Sejin felt even more wronged.

“Why are you like this? If you did something like that, you should tell me! You should flaunt it, saying ‘I helped you, so be good to me’! You’re not a fool, why are you trying to hide it?!”

At that outburst, Cheon Sejoo ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Seeing Cheon Sejoo stare at him with a truly uncomfortable expression, Sejin felt his heart crumble. He was upset because he couldn’t understand him. He hated the fact that he completely didn’t know why Cheon Sejoo was acting like this.

“It was really nothing…”

Finally, as Cheon Sejoo mumbled a defense, Sejin shouted, “No!” He bit his lips hard to hold back the tears welling up. He didn’t want to talk while crying. Sejin, who wanted to convey his genuine feelings to Cheon Sejoo, swallowed his sorrow with difficulty and opened his mouth.

“Cheon Sejoo, no one in this world would think what you did was nothing.”

As soon as he uttered the words he had so desperately wanted to say, tears streamed down his cheeks.

Cheon Sejoo had taken Sejin, who was almost left alone, and protected him safely. A man not even related by blood had cared for Sejin more tenderly and warmly than his own father. He had taken Sejin out of a precarious environment and had done so much behind the scenes to ensure Sejin had no regrets. The dedication Cheon Sejoo had shown him held a profound meaning that no one in the world could deny.

Yet he called it nothing. He couldn’t help but pity that man. Why hadn’t he realized before that Cheon Sejoo was so cruel only to himself? The tears that wet his cheeks dripped from his chin. He didn’t want to cry like a child, but he couldn’t help it.

“Why are you… why are you so harsh on yourself…?”

He felt like his insides were rotting.

Everyone is lenient with themselves. It was natural for humans to forgive themselves through self-rationalization when they made mistakes. Sejin had done so many times. As his mother’s death approached, he rationalized his feelings for Cheon Sejoo by calling it comfort, and shamelessly took advantage of the drunk Cheon Sejoo, justifying his cowardly action by saying Cheon Sejoo had given permission. Thus, for anyone, the most lenient person in the world would always be oneself.

But…

“If you’re so harsh on yourself… then who will comfort you?”

It was unmistakably clear that he didn’t love himself. Things he hadn’t known yesterday now seemed to be seen through his eyes and felt through his heart. Cheon Sejoo’s self-loathing cast a deep and dark shadow over his life, more than Sejin had imagined.

Sejin recalled the moment he hated himself terribly for feeling hungry after losing Kim Hyunkyung. His heart ripped at the thought that Cheon Sejoo must have been trapped in that miserable emotion for so long.

An inexpressible pity filled Sejin’s eyes. Tears flowed uncontrollably. He roughly wiped his cheeks and looked at Cheon Sejoo, asking,

“Cheon Sejoo, where is the person who can forgive you?”

Who do you find solace in? Does such a person even exist? Cheon Sejoo didn’t answer Sejin’s sorrowful question. He just gazed at him for a long time with an inscrutable look, then left.

Even though he could have followed him immediately, Sejin didn’t. He belatedly took to heart the words Cheon Sejoo had left: I need time, and quietly nursed his own hurt.

And Cheon Sejoo, who had come out to the living room, grabbed his lower back, which was throbbing with pain, and headed to the bathroom. He filled the bathtub with hot water and immersed himself in it. He had a severe headache, as if he’d been hit on the back of the head. But Cheon Sejoo’s mind wasn’t there.

The pain, which had started with last night’s insertion, faintly spread throughout his entire body. It had been a long time since he’d felt this. He knew very well what this unexpected change signified, and unable to control his wavering heart, he ran a hand over his face.

Where his wet palm passed, streaks of water flowed like tears. In that state, Cheon Sejoo recalled what Sejin had said.

‘Why are you so harsh on yourself…?’

He didn’t know why those words felt so sad. But they weren’t just sad either. The moment he heard those words, the moment Sejin asked where the person who could forgive him was, Cheon Sejoo felt his heart warm and soak as if hot water had spilled over his chest. It resembled the feeling he had yesterday. The feeling of being comforted. The feeling of finding solace. And the feeling of wanting to cry out loud…

However, Cheon Sejoo didn’t want to burst into tears in front of Sejin, so he barely held it in and came here. The moment had already passed and the afterglow was faint, but the impact of the emotion remained. Cheon Sejoo rubbed his reddening eyes and thought.

In fact, Sejin wasn’t the only one who had said such things. Cheon Sejoo had heard similar remarks from Seok Yoon-hyung and Chae Beom-joon. Aren’t you too merciless to yourself? They had definitely said something like that. But back then, those words had just passed him by, yet this time, they resonated differently.

A voice of comfort that he couldn’t just dismiss, leaving an afterimage deep within his heart…

Was it because the other person was Sejin? Because he liked Kwon Sejin? Did it resonate more because he was someone he liked? But it didn’t seem to be just for that reason. There had been a few times before when he felt good hearing what Sejin said to him, but this was more than that.

There seemed to be some other reason, but he couldn’t find the answer immediately. Thinking about it only made his head hurt, and nothing changed, so Cheon Sejoo sighed and cleared his mind. He didn’t want to think about anything. He closed his eyes and submerged his head in the water.

When he finished his very long bath and came out, the smell of food wafted through the house. It was the weekend, he realized. Sejin’s presence made it hard to think, so he had intended to go to work and ponder alone, but that plan was ruined. Cheon Sejoo clicked his tongue softly and headed to his room. Passing the kitchen, he saw a stew simmering on the induction hob and steam rising from the rice cooker. The alpha room door was open, indicating Sejin wasn’t there.

Cheon Sejoo went into his room and changed his clothes. He put on a thick T-shirt and pants different from what he usually wore. When he went out again, Sejin, wearing an apron, was scooping soup into a bowl. Sejin, sensing his presence, turned around and opened the lid of the rice cooker upon seeing Cheon Sejoo.

Cheon Sejoo also took out bottled water from the refrigerator, and the two sat facing each other to start their meal. Sejin asked a question about thirty minutes later. After Kwon Sejin finished his fifth bowl of rice, he put down his chopsticks, drank some water, and asked,

“Are you done thinking?”

“……”

Cheon Sejoo, who had been lost in thought, resting his chin in his hand, slowly raised his eyes at the question. He blinked uncertainly, seeing Sejin, who seemed full of melancholy, then asked back,

“Didn’t I ask for some time?”

“You’ve had plenty.”

“……”

The two had been apart for barely an hour and twenty minutes. The time Cheon Sejoo meant was several days, but to Sejin, even this seemed long. Cheon Sejoo suddenly recalled Sejin’s impatient personality and silently watched him. Sejin, who he knew to be impatient, sat quietly, waiting for his answer, looking excessively adorable. His face was like a dog’s, as if his ears would stick flat to his head if he had them.

Although his personality was objectively a bit unusual, Sejin was a child who would attract attention and be loved wherever he went. Of course, this was entirely from Cheon Sejoo’s perspective, and he hadn’t even realized that he had lost his objectivity.

Leaving aside the fact that he liked Sejin, the fact that Sejin had come to like him was, even now, a truly regrettable thing. He was still young, and had a long way ahead of him, many days to live, to meet someone as old as him. Thinking that, Cheon Sejoo suddenly felt curious and asked Sejin,

“Kwon Sejin.”

“Yes.”

Sejin, who had been waiting for Cheon Sejoo’s answer, nodded and replied. Cheon Sejoo stared at him intently, then asked,

“Do you know how old I am?”

“……”

Sejin knew they were 12 years apart because he had seen Cheon Sejoo’s graduation album recently, but he didn’t answer. His nerves were on edge from the series of events since morning. Swept up in all sorts of conjectures and confusion, Sejin couldn’t take the question at face value. Why? Is he going to use age as an excuse to reject me now? He suddenly thought, then answered dismissively with a sullen face.

“Forty-six.”

“……”

At that absurd reply, Cheon Sejoo frowned and glared at Sejin. “Don’t joke,” he pressed, but Sejin scoffed and continued,

“Why are you suddenly asking that? What’s important about it? What’s wrong with you being old? I don’t care about that. I don’t care how old you are, or what kind of person you are, I don’t care about anything. So if you’re going to say useless things, don’t ask in the first place.”

At the excessively sharp response, Cheon Sejoo met his gaze with a displeased expression. In fact, one of the reasons Cheon Sejoo belatedly realized Sejin liked him was precisely this.

Up until now, everyone who had liked Cheon Sejoo had been submissive to him. They never refused anything he said, and regardless of age, they acted as if they would accept anything Cheon Sejoo said. It wasn’t just one or two people; everyone he had ever met was like that.

So, it was only natural that he hadn’t thought Sejin, who talked back like that and spoke disrespectfully with a sullen face, would like him. And every time Sejin said something like that, Cheon Sejoo felt uneasy. He thought Sejin was just saying it because he was young and didn’t know anything, which made him think Sejin’s feelings might not be as deep as he imagined.

“Then why do you like me?”

Since they were face to face, Cheon Sejoo wanted to be sure of Sejin’s affection. He thought that if he had a clear assurance that Sejin wouldn’t look at him with hatred, then he could confess his story without hesitation.

To Cheon Sejoo’s retort, Sejin still replied with a sulky face,

“Do you need a reason to like someone?”

The overly clichéd answer wasn’t very helpful. Cheon Sejoo sighed softly and rested his chin on the island bar. He stared intently at Sejin, then, gathering a little courage, asked,

“…What if I’m crazier than you think?”

Fortunately, his courageous question did make Sejin ponder. Kwon Sejin opened the lid of his water bottle, filled his mouth with water until his cheeks puffed out like a pufferfish, and after a long while, replied,

“I don’t care. It’s enough if I like you.”

“……”

In a way, it was a very grateful statement, but in another way, it was a very unenthusiastic answer. Cheon Sejoo, still resting his chin, frowned unhappily. Seeing him, Sejin also frowned. What do you want? He looked at Cheon Sejoo with such a gaze, then elaborated a little more.

“It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are if I don’t like you because you’re a good person.”

“Still, you should know what kind of person I am.”

Sejin also understood the meaning behind those words. If you knew what kind of person I am, you might come to hate me. Now, Cheon Sejoo’s true feelings seemed to be laid bare.