Projection Novel (Completed) - Chapter 56

However, no matter how hard he tried to remember, he couldn’t find the starting point. Even though he had killed someone he had talked to several times and even felt sympathy for a moment, Cheon Sejoo felt no responsibility for the act of killing Han Jonghyun itself. What tormented him was his changed self. Over six years, he had naturally become a cruel person who committed murder. Cheon Sejoo only sensed that change.

Cheon Sejoo, the man in the mirror, was a pathetic man who had become someone no one would want him to be. He had no guilt, no sense of sin. All that remained was a terrible self-loathing that choked him.

From the moment he detected this change in himself, he became too exhausted to even think properly. He didn’t know what answer he wanted to give himself, and even if he found an answer, nothing would change, so Cheon Sejoo ultimately buried all his emotions deep in his heart and left the restroom.

Ignoring Baek Seonghwan’s subordinates who glanced at him while tidying chairs, he stepped outside to be greeted by a completely dark night sky. In contrast, in the brightly lit open space, several men remained busy with the cleanup. Cheon Sejoo avoided them and approached his car. He opened the trunk, took off his blood-stained shoes and jacket, put them into a black bag, and then took out new shoes to wear. The blood-stained items, if given to Seonhyuk, would be taken care of.

On the phone he had left in the car, there was a message from Chae Beomjun telling him that he wouldn’t have any appointments for a few days, so he should rest and not think unnecessary thoughts. As soon as he saw that message after getting into the driver’s seat, he started the car. It seemed even exhausting self-loathing required stamina; without energy, such thoughts didn’t even come to mind. Cheon Sejoo simply drove his car slowly towards home, wanting to rest in the place most comfortable to him.

Upon arriving at the parking lot, clutching his throbbing forehead, and after getting off at the 41st floor and facing the panel, he finally remembered that he had run away from Sejin yesterday. Then, the postponed worries flooded him, and the thought that he couldn’t give Sejin any answer right now came even later.

Cheon Sejoo could not accept that Sejin liked him. Even if Sejin didn’t know he was a murderer, he knew Cheon Sejoo worked at Sinsa Capital. How could such a person like someone like him, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t understand. Weren’t the people who burdened Kim Hyunkyung with immense debt and dragged her away the same kind of bastards who worked in the same place as him? He had seen the hatred and condemnation directed at them right before his eyes, and it felt strange that it didn’t apply to him.

If Sejin were truly his sibling, he would have stood him in front of him and grilled him. “Are you crazy? Why do you like that kind of person?” He would have scolded and rebuked him. But Kwon Sejin was not Cheon Sejoo’s sibling, and the rotten human being he liked was himself.

Exhausted, Cheon Sejoo leaned against the wall next to the front door and sighed. Just one step would take him home, but unlike Sejin, who had approached him without hesitation, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t go straight to him.

If Sejin were to confess his feelings and drive the final nail in the coffin, he felt he wouldn’t be able to bear it anymore. He felt like he would want to separate Sejin from that trash. He felt such a catastrophe approaching…

Ultimately, just as he was about to give up on going home and head back to his workshop,

Thump, the door seemed to open, and Sejin poked his head out. Sejin, wearing an apron, stared at Cheon Sejoo with a clear gaze. His expression was impassive. There was no hint of the blind longing he had shown yesterday. Cheon Sejoo involuntarily tensed as he met Sejin’s eyes. And Sejin, as if nothing had happened, opened the front door wide and welcomed him.

“If you’re here, come in. Dinner’s ready.”

Sejin would probably never know how relieved Cheon Sejoo was by that calm voice. The fact that Sejin had no immediate intention of revealing his feelings, and thus, Cheon Sejoo could pretend not to know for a while and enjoy the comfort Sejin provided as usual, was an enormous relief to Cheon Sejoo.

“…Okay.”

As he nodded and replied, Sejin silently turned his body and disappeared inside first. Cheon Sejoo watched his retreating back, then likewise took off his shoes and stepped into the house.

The house looked different from yesterday. Unlike when it was quiet as death, as if Cheon Sejoo had only left for a moment, the cartoon he watched played on the TV, and Sejin busily moved in the kitchen. The side dishes on the dining table were enough for two people, and there were exactly two rice bowls prepared in front of the rice cooker. Sejin had heard the car’s arrival notification and prepared dinner.

“Sit down. Or, do you want to wash up and eat?”

The delicious smell of food floated in the air, and unlike the biting cold outside, the house was incredibly warm. Kwon Sejin, wearing an apron, offered a normal invitation.

It was a temporary reprieve obtained by pretending not to know Sejin’s feelings, but Cheon Sejoo was still satisfied with this moment. If he could, he wanted to ignore the feelings he had realized for the rest of his life.

It was a cowardly act, but he couldn’t help it.

After seeing Sejin clinging to him yesterday, what occupied his dreams all night was the image of his house, empty like ruins. After failing to accept Sejin’s love and forcibly sending him away, he wandered alone in the empty house for a long time. In that dream, he was always lonely. But if they just continued to pretend not to know each other like this, he could protect this peaceful daily life.

“…I’ll go wash up.”

Cheon Sejoo went into the dressing room and packed a change of clothes. When he came out, his bed was neatly made. The mattress was undisturbed and clean, as if Sejin sleeping with his lips buried in his T-shirt had all been a dream. When he entered the living room again, the situation was the same. Sejin busily moving around preparing dinner looked exactly the same as before. The scene he had seen yesterday truly felt like a dream.

He washed himself, almost scalding his body with hot water. It felt as if the smell of blood wouldn’t leave his body, so he lathered up several times and thoroughly cleaned himself. Afterward, to soothe his red, swollen skin, he almost froze his body with icy cold water before leaving the bathroom.

Putting on clothes over his still damp body, he went to the kitchen, and Sejin, who had heard the door open, was scooping rice into bowls. As always, he went to the refrigerator, took out water, and placed it on the dining table. Then, he took a seat opposite Sejin.

He saw that Sejin had carefully deboned and placed a steamed croaker on the small plate in front of his seat. Cheon Sejoo, seeing Sejin’s fingertips swollen red from the heat, managed to offer a greeting.

“I’ll eat well.”

“Eat quickly.”

Sejin didn’t say much. He simply treated Cheon Sejoo with a normal attitude, just like any day before Kim Hyunkyung died. It couldn’t be that he didn’t remember encountering him at home yesterday, and Cheon Sejoo’s anxiety simmered, unable to understand what Sejin was thinking by merely pretending not to know. Cheon Sejoo ignored even that anxiety and finished his meal.

Afterward, he silently went to the sofa and sat down. Leaning loosely against the backrest, with his chin propped on one armrest, he blankly watched TV. His mind was empty. Finally, as if his tired body refused all thoughts, nothing came to mind. Cheon Sejoo simply stared aimlessly at the little bear rolling around on the floor in the cartoon. Now, he felt like he could live.

It was while he was slowly recovering his energy.

“Cheon Sejoo.”

He suddenly heard a voice and looked up to see Sejin, who had approached at some point. He was on the sofa next to him, hugging his knees. It had been months since he had grown taller and bigger than him, but with Sejin sitting like that, he still looked like a child a head shorter than him. Cheon Sejoo straightened up and sat, looking at him. When he answered, “Yes,” Sejin quietly asked,

“What should I do now?”

His clear eyes were dry, without a hint of moisture. Cheon Sejoo realized that Sejin had finally been able to accept Kim Hyunkyung’s death.

Cheon Sejoo gazed at Sejin.

“…What do you want to do?”

Sejin still had many things to resolve.

It had been over a week since the funeral ended. During that time, Kim Hyunkyung’s remains had been left at home without being enshrined anywhere. It wasn’t a major problem, but he couldn’t leave them like that forever, so now he had to decide what to do with the remains. Furthermore, with the death registration and insurance claims, Sejin still had many moments to cry.

At Cheon Sejoo’s question, Sejin quietly lowered his gaze. His long eyelashes fluttered above his eyes, which were staring at his toes. He thought quietly for a moment, then looked up at Cheon Sejoo and replied. The first thing he mentioned was about the interment of the remains.

“I don’t like columbariums…”

“There’s also a tree burial. And sea burial. Do what you want.”

“……”

Sejin fell silent. He seemed unsure what tree burial was. Seeing him, Cheon Sejoo explained.

“It’s called a memorial tree; you plant a tree over the urn. You can put it directly in a biodegradable urn, or mix it with soil and make it a bit more…”

He didn’t know how to explain it. He couldn’t explain the somewhat harsh act of burying the ashes of someone who was alive a week ago under a tree, without upsetting Sejin. Cheon Sejoo said that much and merely shrugged. Fortunately, Sejin did not look surprised or shocked. He simply seemed lost in thought, resting his cheek on his knees, staring blankly in Cheon Sejoo’s direction.

Meanwhile, he slowly scanned Sejin from head to toe. He checked if he had eaten properly while he was away, if he had any injuries, things he hadn’t noticed yesterday, he now observed. Soon, Sejin, who had been thinking quietly, opened his mouth as if curious.

“And scattering in the sea?”

“That’s probably… only possible in Incheon and Busan.”

At Cheon Sejoo’s words, Sejin thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Mom didn’t like either the West Sea or Busan,” he muttered, then continued,

“Is tree burial… expensive?”

“…No, it’s not expensive. Don’t worry about that and do what you want.”

There was nothing more heartbreaking than worrying about money in the face of a family member’s death. Cheon Sejoo desperately hoped Sejin wouldn’t have such worries.

At his words, Sejin looked up and stared intently at Cheon Sejoo. Then, with an unreadable expression, he bit his lip and asked,

“How do you… know so much?”

His clear eyes were full of questions. “Have you also lost someone, like me?” Sejin was silently asking. Cheon Sejoo avoided his gaze and shrugged. “I looked it up online,” he replied casually, then told Sejin,

“It’s okay, so don’t make a hasty decision. Do what you want.”

“Okay…”

Sejin silently nodded. Time passed in silence, and then Cheon Sejoo heard his name being called again.

“Cheon Sejoo.”

His gaze, which had been directed at the TV, flew to Sejin. As Cheon Sejoo turned his head, Sejin, with a flushed face, stared intently at him, then got off the sofa and approached where he was sitting.

Sejin settled on the floor, propped his chin on the left armrest, and looked up at Cheon Sejoo with a direct gaze. Sejin was looking at Cheon Sejoo with an expression that was softer than usual. For a moment, Cheon Sejoo forgot to breathe.

His eyes, with faint double eyelids, were gently relaxed. Below his right eye, there was a red spot that hadn’t been there before, a vivid red like a drop of blood. It seemed to be the trace of burst capillaries from wiping away tears. Cheon Sejoo looked down at him, thinking he wanted to rub that tear-like mark with his fingertip. Transparent eyes visible through long eyelashes, and thick lips neatly pressed together. Sejin, whose cheeks were flushed like someone feverish, was so beautiful that Cheon Sejoo couldn’t help but stare. As he met his intense gaze, Sejin suddenly moved his lips.

“You said I should leave the house when I turn twenty.”

“……”

Long, straight fingers moved carefully. Sejin placed his hand over Cheon Sejoo’s hand, which was resting on the armrest. Then, he rested his face next to his clenched hand and lay down. The soft leather of the armrest cradled his cheek. In that position, Sejin idly touched the rough fingertips right in front of his eyes.

“I’m an adult now…”

A faint breath brushed his fingertips. Cheon Sejoo curled his fingers, which were getting damp. Sejin, whose hand was helplessly taken away, then placed his hand on Cheon Sejoo’s knee. He slowly traced the round kneecap visible beneath the thin pants. Then, he looked up quickly and asked,

“…Can I stay with you?”

It was an utterly fragile question, one that could never be refused. Cheon Sejoo instinctively placed his withdrawn hand on top of Sejin’s head. Soft hair was entwined in his grasp. He felt a sense of fulfillment swelling somewhere deep inside him. Trying not to be intoxicated by that vivid sensation, he stroked Sejin’s hair.

“……”

Sejin meekly accepted his touch, waiting for Cheon Sejoo’s answer. He had no intention of pushing Cheon Sejoo. His newfound vulnerability had made Sejin a little more cautious.

“…Your mother asked me. To keep you with me.”

That was the answer Cheon Sejoo finally gave. At the sudden mention of his mother’s presence, Sejin narrowed his eyes and bit his lip. Kim Hyunkyung knew how he liked Cheon Sejoo. The fact that she still made such a request to Cheon Sejoo meant that she truly trusted and relied on him.

“If you want to, you can stay.”

The voice granting permission for companionship was sweet. The sensation brushing his earlobe was excessively gentle. Cheon Sejoo’s hands were always scarred, covered in rough and calloused skin, but Sejin felt that his touch was infinitely soft and tender. Every time he gently stroked the fine hairs, goosebumps rose all over his body, and his mouth went dry.

What would it feel like if he were to stroke his body? Sejin bit his lip, imagining a situation so vague it was impossible to conceive. Then, suddenly, he heard a voice that drew a line.

“Anyway, I need someone to do housework, and you’re good at it. I’ll hire you as a housekeeper.”

“……”

Sejin crumpled and smoothed his right eyebrow, which Cheon Sejoo couldn’t see, then lifted his head. Someone to do housework? Treating him like a housekeeper now? He instantly felt like arguing. Sejin’s patience wasn’t that deep. However, he was able to keep his mouth shut in the end because he saw a similar light of fear in Cheon Sejoo’s eyes as he looked down at him, similar to what he had seen yesterday.

Yesterday, Cheon Sejoo, encountering emotions he had inadvertently revealed in his sleep, immediately fled from him. Left alone in the house he had abandoned, Sejin fell into deep despair. He had believed Cheon Sejoo was unlike others, but the last image of the man turning his back and disappearing in such a moment had deeply wounded Sejin.

But as he retraced the traces he had left in the empty house, a strong conviction arose in his heart again. The more he recalled what Cheon Sejoo had done for him, the more he felt that he wouldn’t want to leave him alone, an orphan who had lost his mother.

Thus, with a heart akin to fervent hope, Sejin waited for him to return, replaying what had happened yesterday. Before long, he realized something strange. Cheon Sejoo’s reaction was utterly incomprehensible.

If he disliked something, he said he disliked it; if he liked something, he said he liked it. He was someone who was always clear about things. Sejin had always believed without a doubt that if he ever confessed to Cheon Sejoo, he would clearly convey his feelings. So, it was strange that he was so flustered and backing away. Very strange indeed.

Sejin also knew that there were parts of Cheon Sejoo he didn’t know. He now realized that perhaps those were much deeper and darker crevices than he had imagined.

Anyway, for reasons Sejin couldn’t even guess, Cheon Sejoo was now trying to treat him like a housekeeper. After stroking his cheek so tenderly, after hugging him so warmly, after softly kissing his forehead, now, of all times.

There was a time when he thought he could date Cheon Sejoo without any trouble once he became an adult, but Sejin realized that was his premature judgment. But honestly, it felt unfair. A part of him even thought Cheon Sejoo had the mind of a thief, trying to seduce him completely and then pretend not to know. He didn’t want to curse him, so he tried hard to ignore that inner voice.

At any rate, he didn’t know what Cheon Sejoo was thinking, but Sejin had no intention of remaining just the housekeeper on the 41st floor, as he wished. If he didn’t know, he would learn. If there was a problem, he would solve it. He didn’t know the reason why he was drawing a line, so he couldn’t know the immediate solution, but Sejin thought positively regardless.

Kwon Sejin was originally that kind of person. He might lack planning ability, but he had drive. Even when he was homeless outside the Sinsa Capital building after meeting Kim Hyunkyung, hadn’t he endured by thinking things would somehow work out? The result was receiving help from Cheon Sejoo again.

The situation was better now than it was then. Unlike back then, when he could do nothing, he could now face the problem directly, and the opponent was Cheon Sejoo, who was infinitely weak towards him. Sejin didn’t think he could ignore him until the end.

“I like it.”

Sejin, having finished his thoughts, replied.

His fingertips rested neatly on Cheon Sejoo’s knee. Sejin changed his posture, resting both arms on Cheon Sejoo’s thigh, and looked up at him. In that position, he spoke with firm resolve.

“I want to keep being with you.”

“……”

Cheon Sejoo silently looked down at him. His dark eyes incessantly moved, scanning Sejin’s face.

Sejin was not good at lying, but his skill at concealing his true feelings had greatly improved since Kim Hyunkyung fell ill. I have no ulterior motives. I’m truly fine. Meeting his gaze so directly, Cheon Sejoo was eventually deceived.

“Work hard. Otherwise, I’ll fire you.”

At the words that again drew a line, Sejin merely laughed. As if it were preposterous, he scoffed inwardly and laughed, then rested his chin on Cheon Sejoo’s knee. Then, he suddenly brought up something from a year ago.

“Do you remember when you and I first met? You asked me what I would do then, and I said I would ask my mom.”

“Yes.”

It was a sudden topic. Cheon Sejoo wondered what he was trying to say, silently thought, and met Sejin’s eyes.

“Do you know why I did that then?”

It wasn’t a question that demanded an answer. Cheon Sejoo waited silently for him to continue. Then Sejin lowered his gaze and blinked, then straightened up and looked up at Cheon Sejoo. A calm voice emerged from him.

“Back then, the only decent adult around me was my mom. I didn’t know anything, and my mom was the only one who could tell me the answers, that’s why.”

“……”

“I’m not much different now than I was then. I truly don’t know what to do from now on.”

However, Sejin’s voice, as he spoke of feeling lost, was not particularly gloomy. He took Cheon Sejoo’s hand and placed his face on his rough palm. The cool chill he carried transferred through his skin. Sejin rubbed his cheek, fully conveying his body heat to Cheon Sejoo, and said,

“Now, you’re the only adult by my side. You’re the only one who can tell me the answers. So I’m going to keep asking you, Cheon Sejoo. What should I do from now on? What do I need to do?”

“…Okay.”

“Then it’s your turn to answer now.”

Sejin was resolute. There was not an ounce of doubt in his decision.

You’re the only one left for me, he was saying with all his heart.

“You’re going to answer what I should do. Understood?”

Sejin, as he had done to Cheon Sejoo some day, squeezed his large frame into his embrace and hugged his waist. A warm warmth suffused his entire body. In that comfort, Cheon Sejoo felt a deep sense of relief.

It wasn’t difficult. Guiding Sejin and leading him to happiness was something even a pathetic person like him could surely do. It wasn’t any different from what he had been doing until now. He just had to continue cherishing, teaching, and protecting Sejin. He was confident he could do that better than anyone.

He nodded and hugged Sejin back. A quiet whisper was heard.

“I’m glad you’re here…”

Cheon Sejoo bit his lip, swallowing the words he wanted to say. Instead of answering Sejin, “Me too,” he held his small head in his arms and kissed him on top of it.

He wished this moment would last forever. A time when Sejin wouldn’t try to understand him, and he could remain a good person solely for Sejin, protecting him securely…