Projection Novel (Completed) - Chapter 45

He said he wasn’t meeting that person. He said he was going for a drink. Words he wanted to demand of Cheon Sejoo welled up to his throat. Sejin bit his lip tightly, got into the elevator, and glared at the man standing beside him.

Cheon Sejoo was always handsome, but today, with his hair styled up and a tie, he looked even more dashing than usual. That face, today of all days, was hateful. Sejin, unable to control his upset feelings, hung his head low.

Even after getting into the car, he couldn’t say anything, fearing that useless words would spill out if he opened his mouth. He had no intention of confiding his feelings to him in this situation, so Sejin, clamming up like a shell, turned his head to look out the window and remained silent.

He hated everything. He hated the sky, which was beautifully dyed pink today, he hated that there was no traffic, and he hated the scent of Cheon Sejoo’s perfume.

What he hated most was the fact that Cheon Sejoo seemed to be in a bad mood. Does he go to that man when he’s feeling down? Does Cheon Sejoo become happy when he meets that man? Thinking that made him feel like crying. Sejin also wanted to be the person who could comfort Cheon Sejoo.

“……”

And while driving him home, Cheon Sejoo noticed Sejin’s strange behavior. His expression reflected in the dark car window was not good. He had been fine until just now, so what had happened in the lounge?

However, even Cheon Sejoo, who would normally ask Sejin what was wrong, remained silent today. Tomorrow was Hyein’s death anniversary, and he was trying hard to forget that fact, so he didn’t have the energy to worry about Sejin. Cheon Sejoo just wanted to drop Sejin off quickly and engross himself in something else until he passed out.

Thus, time passed with both of them silent. The car Cheon Sejoo was driving soon entered the apartment complex, and he stopped the car in front of the ground floor entrance, with the hazard lights on.

“Go on in. I won’t be back until Monday, so take a taxi to the hospital tomorrow.”

“……”

However, Sejin gave neither a reply nor any action to Cheon Sejoo’s words. Seeing Sejin silently clasping his hands and staring out the window, Cheon Sejoo tilted his head. A faint smile soon spread across his lips.

Most people try to hide their feelings, but Sejin always protests, wanting his feelings to be known. Given he was doing this much, Cheon Sejoo couldn’t pretend not to notice anymore. He’s so big, why does he act like such a child? Cheon Sejoo thought to himself, reaching out a hand.

“What’s wrong?”

Cheon Sejoo asked, stroking his soft hair. Sejin flinched his shoulders at that, let out a sigh, and then turned to Cheon Sejoo with a sullen face. His eyes were somewhat reddish, as if he were about to cry. Cheon Sejoo was not flustered by Sejin’s sudden change in emotion. People with sick family members are always like that. Happy, then depressed, then hopeful, then despairing. That was normal.

Instead of comforting Sejin, Cheon Sejoo reached out and brushed under his eyes, as if telling him not to cry. Sejin, with his cheek against Cheon Sejoo’s palm, lowered his gaze and meekly gave his face to him. To him, Cheon Sejoo asked softly,

“Are you not feeling well?”

At Cheon Sejoo’s question, Sejin glanced up to meet his gaze before quickly avoiding his eyes again. He blinked a few times, fluttering his trembling eyelashes, then nodded slightly and said,

“I don’t want to be alone.”

“……”

“Can’t you not go out for a drink?”

His voice was extremely vulnerable, unlike usual. Sejin’s hands gripped Cheon Sejoo’s wrist, which was stroking his cheek. Cradling his rough hand between his large palms, Sejin softly opened his mouth.

“I went to the severe patient ward…”

He didn’t specify when he went. That wasn’t important.

“It was so quiet and scary. There wasn’t a single person in the hallway, and all I could hear from the rooms was the sound of oxygen machines…”

Cheon Sejoo’s sigh, like a lament, fell. Sejin tightly held Cheon Sejoo’s hand. He spoke, wishing that warm hand would not leave him.

“When I’m alone, that word keeps coming to mind. I’m scared, Cheon Sejoo. I don’t want to be alone…”

Sejin’s voice was low, yet fragile. The streetlights entering through the car window dimly illuminated Sejin’s eyes. It seemed as if his eyes would soon moisten, and Cheon Sejoo, seeing that pitiful expression, chewed his lip in distress.

He couldn’t spend September 15th sober. If he did, he couldn’t be sure he would wake up on the 16th completely sane. But…

He didn’t necessarily have to meet Doyoon to get through the day distractedly. There was another way for Cheon Sejoo to spend a rainy day, September 15th.

“…Alright. I won’t go out. Let’s go home, then.”

Saying he was going for a drink to Sejin was an accidental excuse, but not entirely out of the blue. He had, at one time, spent September 15th through excessive drinking. Of course, if he didn’t answer Shinkyo Yeon’s call then, he’d be severely scolded, but since he hadn’t had any particular reason to contact him recently, it would be fine.

“We’re going home?”

At Cheon Sejoo’s words, Sejin looked up, asking as if he couldn’t believe it. But contrary to Cheon Sejoo’s thought that he was about to cry, Sejin’s expression wasn’t bad. Cheon Sejoo thought Sejin had become much braver and nodded.

“I can drink at home anyway. Go make some snacks for me.”

“Okay. I’ll make them.”

A faint smile spread across Sejin’s face. Seeing him relieved, with the melancholic air from earlier completely gone, Cheon Sejoo offered a bitter smile.

He turned off the hazard lights and started the car again. After parking in the underground garage, he went up to the house and, under the pretext of washing up, grabbed clothes and went into the bathroom. Then he immediately called Doyoon.

“Doyoon.”

Yes, hyung! I’m saying goodbye to my nephews now. They cried and told me not to leave, so it’s taking a little while.

“Oh, really? I’m sorry, but something urgent came up, and I don’t think I’ll have time. If it’s okay, would you like to go to a hotel with your sister? The fee is already paid, so just relax and have fun. Go to the pool with your nephews too.”

There was less than an hour until their promised time. He had never broken a promise like this before. Even if they were sex partners, this was basic courtesy that should be kept. Doyoon expressed regret as he listened to Cheon Sejoo’s lengthy apology.

Really? Well, can’t be helped… I’ll ask my sister then. When do you have time again, hyung?

But that was the end of it. Knowing Doyoon’s easygoing nature, he felt relieved, but still sorry. Cheon Sejoo apologized to Doyoon once more.

“I don’t know. I’ll contact you next time. I’m sorry.”

No, it’s okay. I know you’re busy, hyung. Okay, then. Contact me next time.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. Thank you.”

I love you too.

Doyoon replied out of the blue with a playful voice. Cheon Sejoo chuckled a little, said goodbye to him again, and hung up. Doyoon ultimately didn’t hold Cheon Sejoo back. That was why the two had maintained their relationship for so long.

He put down his phone and undressed. Even though he hadn’t been to the studio, he felt as if he smelled blood. There was no way that was true since he had showered before leaving, but Cheon Sejoo meticulously rinsed his body. It was a pathological habit he had developed after joining the organization.

After showering, he roughly dried his hair with a towel, put on a silk gown, and walked out into the hallway. The living room lights were off, and the sound of a knife hitting a cutting board came from the kitchen. As he slowly walked, he saw Sejin, who also seemed to have showered, with water droplets clinging to his hair, chopping green onions while wearing a small apron.

“Cheon Sejoo.”

“Hm.”

As he approached to get some water, Sejin turned his head. His calm gaze swept over Cheon Sejoo’s upper body, visible through the opening of his gown. Cheon Sejoo raised a hand to pull the front of his gown closed, fearing he would get an unnecessary lecture. Soon, Sejin glanced at him and turned his back again, asking,

“Are you going to drink beer?”

“No. Whiskey.”

“Okay. Just a moment.”

Cheon Sejoo nodded, took out a bottle of water and drank it, then headed to his room. He went into the dressing room, took out a soft, thin T-shirt and put it on, and also put on a pair of shorts. As he did so, he felt his energy draining. He must have been exhausted from holding his body stiff all day, trying to hide his trembling hands.

Standing alone in the room, he slowly relaxed. He rubbed his head, which had been aching for hours, with his subtly shaking fingertips, then took a deep breath and opened the door. At least it wasn’t raining. Last year, the autumn rainy season came around this time, and he and Doyoon, who had just started college, were holed up in a hotel for three days straight.

When he came out, Sejin was standing in front of the island bar. A wooden tray with canapés for snacks and a bowl of grapes was placed in front of him. He turned to Cheon Sejoo and asked,

“Shall I put this in the living room?”

“Yes. If you don’t like quiet, sleep in the living room. With the TV on.”

Cheon Sejoo replied and headed to a display cabinet in a corner of the kitchen. He took out two bottles of whiskey and special glasses he had kept there and moved to the living room. He placed the bottles on the table, poured a drink into a glass, and by the time he had drunk one straight, Sejin approached him.

Green onion cream cheese canapés, smoked salmon and dill cream cheese canapés, and a bowl of grapes were neatly arranged on the tray. Sejin placed it in front of Cheon Sejoo and gazed down at him.

“You’re drinking that straight?”

It was a question he asked because he had seen Cheon Sejoo drink whiskey with ice in the glass. Cheon Sejoo nodded at Sejin’s question. He needed to get drunk quickly. That way, he could forget this miserable feeling even a little faster.

Sejin looked at Cheon Sejoo with worried eyes, then left his spot. He walked across the hallway to his room, then returned with a pillow and blanket, settling on the sofa opposite Cheon Sejoo. His small face rested on the white pillow. Sejin, with his still-wet hair ruffled by his hand, pulled the blanket up to his neck and looked at Cheon Sejoo.

“Why.”

Cheon Sejoo, feeling his gaze, asked, rolling a grape in his mouth. At his gentle question, Sejin calmly blinked and then retorted in a quiet voice,

“Why are you not feeling well?”

“……”

It was an unexpected question. Cheon Sejoo raised an eyebrow and looked at Sejin.

Kwon Sejin was not particularly observant. Lacking memory and comprehension, he couldn’t help but be dull at noticing differences in pre- and post-states. However, he sometimes surprised Cheon Sejoo by reacting surprisingly sensitively to his changes.

Observation was a form of interest. Cheon Sejoo became curious about Sejin’s true intentions, who showed him unexpected interest. Was all of this his own misconception, or did Sejin have some feelings he didn’t know about?

“Why are you so interested in me?”

At his sudden question, Sejin met his gaze more clearly. Clear eyes stared intently, sending a lingering look. As they quietly stared at each other, Sejin spoke in a calm voice.

“Why are you like that? You’re also very interested in me.”

“Me?”

Cheon Sejoo’s eyes widened at the unexpected reply. The empty glass filled with whiskey and was empty again. Conscious of the burning heat rising in his stomach from the strong, raw alcohol, he rested his chin on the armrest. With his hot cheek against his cold palm, he gazed at Sejin.

I’m very interested in Kwon Sejin? Sejin mumbled his lips at his confused gaze, then opened his mouth.

“…Yeah. You always ask me how I’m feeling, if I need anything.”

Cheon Sejoo shook his head. Kwon Sejin was always the type to show it when he was in a bad mood. If he wanted to express his emotions so much, how could he not ask? However, unlike Sejin, he had never shown any signs. It was even surprising that Sejin had noticed his mood. Cheon Sejoo thought so and replied,

“You always show it. You want me to ask.”

“No, I never did.”

But Sejin’s reply was firm. He tightly gripped the blanket with both hands, looking up at Cheon Sejoo with glass-like eyes, and replied,

“You were always first. You looked at me first.”

If his voice sounded resentful, was it his imagination? Cheon Sejoo stared blankly at Sejin.

“That’s what came first.”

“……”

“Because you were looking at me, that’s why.”

At Sejin’s words, Cheon Sejoo slowly closed and opened his eyes, thinking.

I looked at Kwon Sejin first… Of course. How could I not look when you were making that kind of face…?

But thinking about it now, the starting point was ambiguous. He couldn’t tell if his gaze was drawn first and then Sejin cried, or if Sejin cried and then his gaze went to him. His head wasn’t working well, perhaps because of the alcohol. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It felt like an old-fashioned debate.

Ultimately, Cheon Sejoo gave up on finding an answer. He simply replied to him, thinking that he cared because the child in front of him was bothering him.

“Maybe it’s because you’re a baby, so I cared.”

“…Don’t call me a baby.”

Sejin’s serious voice quickly turned sullen. Cheon Sejoo quietly chuckled and popped a canapé he made into his mouth. Licking the cream cheese from his lips, he drank another glass of whiskey and looked at Sejin through his increasingly hazy, hot vision.

Kwon Sejin’s face hadn’t changed much from when they first met. The ends of his thin, double-lidded eyes tilted upwards like a cat’s, and his well-shaped eyebrows, with their beautiful texture, were neatly placed above his brow bone. His densely grown, long eyelashes fluttered whenever he blinked, and thanks to his fair skin, their movement was even more vivid.

Sejin’s cheeks were not very fleshy, giving him a delicate impression, but the gentle curve from his cheekbones created a slender line. His long, curved nose bridge was made of soft curves, fitting the description of being neat, and his lips, pink like a ripe peach, were always moist.

And soon to be twenty, an adult, Sejin’s chin had no trace of a beard. His smooth chin, however, showed the thicker lines of a man compared to when they first met, but even that looked more like a beauty than a handsome man.

Looking at that face, Cheon Sejoo felt as if he was being enchanted by him. Kwon Sejin’s features held a sharp sensitivity, and that made him attempt trivial wordplay. Cheon Sejoo constantly wanted to shatter the weak sensitivity that hung over Sejin.

“Or perhaps it was because you’re pretty.”

At Cheon Sejoo’s words, Sejin frowned again. He soon turned his body to face him and lay down, one cheek squashed, saying,

“Don’t call me pretty.”

“Can’t be a baby, can’t be pretty, what can I say then?”

“Call me handsome.”

“……”

Cheon Sejoo, dumbfounded, chuckled and tilted the bottle. The whiskey bottle was already half empty. He drank another glass straight and then rolled a still-wet grape in his mouth. A slightly slurred pronunciation escaped him.

“Look closely, Kwon Sejin. Handsome is a word for someone who looks like me.”

“…What’s the difference?”

Sejin also knew that Cheon Sejoo was handsome. He also knew that his own atmosphere was vastly different from his. But still, he didn’t want to admit it. He hated being called pretty. Sejin wanted to appear handsome to Cheon Sejoo. At his forced reply, Cheon Sejoo let out a dry laugh, then leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs. He extended his head towards Sejin and said,

“Look closely. It’s completely different.”

“……”

Sejin, with a pout on his cheek, stared blankly at Cheon Sejoo. Then, as if telling him to look as much as he wanted, he rested his chin on his hand and closed his eyes. Sejin gazed at his softly lowered eyelashes, then sat up.

“I want to see it up close.”

At Sejin’s soft whisper, Cheon Sejoo opened one eye slightly, then shrugged. While he slumped back against the sofa, Sejin got up, put down the blanket, and approached Cheon Sejoo.

“Consider it an honor. It’s a face that’s hard to see this close.”

At Cheon Sejoo’s playful words, Sejin quietly snorted. He was sorry, but he had already seen Cheon Sejoo’s face up close. Sejin hadn’t forgotten the sensation of kissing his neck. Don’t say such things when you don’t know anything. Swallowing the words, Sejin quietly held his breath.

Sejin knelt beside the sofa where Cheon Sejoo was sitting and reached out to grasp the armrest. Then he tilted his head towards him. Meanwhile, Cheon Sejoo, who had emptied his glass once more, was feeling dizzy and had buried his head in the backrest. Sejin swallowed dryly and looked down at his closed eyes.

Cheon Sejoo’s face was a magnificent sculpture that couldn’t be described with a single word. If Sejin had read many books, he would have been able to describe his appearance with more fitting words, but unfortunately, Sejin lacked expressiveness. Sejin simply thought that Cheon Sejoo suited the epithet “perfect.” The word “handsome” felt a bit lacking, and he also thought that “magnificent” was a more fitting epithet to describe the aura that drew others’ gazes.

Anyway, his eyes, which held a slight coolness when open, looked infinitely soft when gently closed. It felt as if his kindness, which he rarely showed Sejin, was palpable.

Perhaps because he had been drinking, his skin was paler than usual. Sejin looked at Cheon Sejoo’s eyelashes, neatly resting on his eyelids, and lifted his hand as if enchanted. The moment Sejin’s soft fingertips brushed against Cheon Sejoo’s outer eye, he slowly lifted his eyelids.

“……”

The man’s jet-black eyes met Sejin’s clear pupils. A heavy gaze, like a shadow, traced Sejin’s features. The way his eyes moved, as if licking his face, felt like chains captivating him.

Sejin stopped breathing and followed the trajectory of his gaze. Cheon Sejoo’s eyes slowly swept over his slender eyes and eyelashes, his thin cheeks, and his soft nose bridge. Finally, his lingering gaze rested on Sejin’s lips, and when Cheon Sejoo’s faint breath finally seeped through his slightly parted lips… his heart pounded as if it would burst.

“Ah…”

However, Cheon Sejoo suddenly frowned and sighed, moving away, and Sejin woke from the stillness. His mind snapped awake as if cold water had been thrown on him. A gigantic thumping sound filled his ears. Sejin blinked blankly, watching Cheon Sejoo get up.

“…Don’t come into my room.”

He picked up the new whiskey bottle and glass from the table and turned without hesitation. Thus, the sound of the door closing, and he was gone. Sejin, sitting there, buried his flushed face in his hands. The heat that burst out with a wet sigh was unbelievably hot.

Kim Hyunkyung’s condition was improving. The chemotherapy was showing significant results, and by the end of September, approaching October, Sejin received news from the doctor asking about scheduling surgery.

“This is what was taken on the day of the initial diagnosis, and this was taken yesterday. As you can see, the tumor size has decreased significantly. However, surgery is not immediately possible; if it’s determined that there are no problems after a blood test, then we will schedule it. If surgery is performed, since the cancer site is in the lower part, about 70% of the pancreas will be resected. You should also be aware in advance that diabetes may occur after surgery. The surgery time typically takes about 6 hours…”

Sejin listened to the doctor with a blank face. His chest was so full he couldn’t contain himself. He fumbled for Kim Hyunkyung’s hand, who was sitting beside him, interlocked his fingers, and then pinched his thigh with his other hand, like someone who had heard unbelievable news.

It hurt. It wasn’t a dream.

Sejin knew that the survival rate for pancreatic cancer patients was not high. It was because after Kim Hyunkyung was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, he spent several nights poring over cases on the internet. The recovery diaries, which began with someone’s father, mother, themselves, or a sibling or child being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, all ended similarly. Their hospital lives concluded with posts abruptly ceasing or news of an obituary being uploaded.

Sejin believed in the 10% survival rate that Cheon Sejoo mentioned, and he had no doubt that his mother would be one of them, yet anxiety was unavoidable. 90%. Given that surgery was impossible for such a fearsome disease with such a high mortality rate, Sejin was being consumed by gloom day by day.

Then, when he heard from the doctor that the chemotherapy was successful, he felt like he had everything in the world. A certainty, or rather a conviction, surged within him that Kim Hyunkyung could be among the 10 out of 100 people. Sejin bit his lip, unable to control the rising emotion. If he relaxed even a little, tears felt like they would burst forth.

“Then, let’s test on Monday, and once the results come out, we can talk again. Ms. Kim Hyunkyung, you’re doing well. Let’s keep it up like this from now on. Understood?”

The middle-aged doctor smiled brightly at Kim Hyunkyung and left the hospital room. After the medical staff disappeared, Sejin fiercely embraced his mother, who was sitting on the bed. It was a desperate embrace, as if he couldn’t bear to lose the body that had become so much smaller than his own.

“See? I told you not to worry too much because Mom is young. Kwon Sejin, are you crying again, by any chance?”

Kim Hyunkyung, nestled in Sejin’s arms, asked playfully. However, Kim Hyunkyung’s voice was just as moist.

She had dropped out of high school because she became pregnant with Sejin. After that day, Kim Hyunkyung’s life had always been a downhill slide. When she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she thought this dreadful fall was finally over, but hearing that she was getting better, she couldn’t express how she felt in words.

Seeing Sejin, whom she loved even more than herself, Kim Hyunkyung felt a deep sense of guilt. She felt like a terrible person for having thought of accepting the approaching end with relief, leaving such a child behind.

At her question, Sejin replied with a wet voice.

“Am I a child? I’m not crying…”

“Yes, don’t cry. And make sure to thank the team leader properly. Don’t just gloss over it…”

Kim Hyunkyung, despite her large build, held and comforted the still childish Sejin in her arms and said so.

Some might find children who act mature at a young age admirable and commendable, but Kim Hyunkyung always felt sad when she saw such children. It was because the thought that, like herself, those children must have experienced life’s hardships that forced them to mature beyond their years, was bitter.

That’s why Kim Hyunkyung raised Sejin as a naive child. She indulged his every childish whim, raising him to be suitable for his age. Sejin’s immature personality stemmed from Kim Hyunkyung. Having grown up in an unfortunate environment from a young age and having learned things she shouldn’t have to survive in the world, she wished that Sejin would not mature early.

At the moment Sejin was left on the streets without preparation, Kim Hyunkyung couldn’t describe how much she regretted it. She had forgotten that she couldn’t be Sejin’s fence forever. The thought of her naive child having to fend for himself made the whole world seem resentful and despairing. But then Cheon Sejoo appeared, and like Kim Hyunkyung, he embraced Sejin.

Though it was supposedly for his deceased younger brother, Cheon Sejoo was their benefactor nonetheless. Now he was saving not only Sejin but also her own life, so the debt of gratitude was too immense and profound to ever repay, even in death. Kim Hyunkyung stood Sejin up and showered him with nagging.

“Don’t be rude, and don’t get annoyed no matter what the team leader says. If he asks you to run an errand, listen well. And study hard! Understood? Do it like you do for Mom.”

“…I don’t get annoyed these days.”

At that, Sejin pouted and retorted. Seeing him act no different than when he used to grumble about not getting snacks in kindergarten at age 7, she stroked Sejin’s soft hair and laughed.

“Yes, that’s a good boy, a good boy.”

Sejin lay down, his cheek resting on the hospital bed. It had been a long time since his mother had caressed him. Receiving that touch, he thought of the man who occupied his mind.

All of this was thanks to Cheon Sejoo. Without him, Sejin would still be drifting from shelter to shelter, agonizing over not knowing his mother’s whereabouts. The same went for Kim Hyunkyung. Without Cheon Sejoo’s help, she clearly wouldn’t have been able to eat or sleep properly from worrying about Sejin.

What would have happened that day if he hadn’t followed Cheon Sejoo? Sejin recalled the man who had extended his hand to him in the hallway.

‘Get up. You said you wanted to see your mom. Let’s go.’

From that day until now, Cheon Sejoo was still wonderful. Sejin recalled the man’s face, with his eyes closed in front of him, and bit his quivering lips. He liked Cheon Sejoo. He couldn’t control this strange emotion. The feelings that had slowly welled up had long since overflowed, drenching Sejin. He opened his mouth, unable to do anything, infused with Cheon Sejoo.

“I like Cheon Sejoo.”

At his sudden words, Kim Hyunkyung remained silent. She simply smiled, pulling up the corners of her lips, tickling Sejin’s forehead, and after a long moment, she spoke.

“Listen to the team leader well. Sometimes we call him ‘hyung’ (older brother).”

At her nagging-like words, Sejin kept his mouth shut for a moment, then sat up and looked at Kim Hyunkyung. Facing her with a serious gaze, Sejin whispered again in a quiet voice.

“I really like him.”

He wanted to tell her that this feeling wasn’t just admiration. But more than anything, Sejin wanted Kim Hyunkyung to acknowledge his feelings. Then he felt it would be alright. Even with his mother sick, he felt he wouldn’t dislike himself anymore for wanting to be loved by him.

And in his words, Kim Hyunkyung smiled gently and nodded.

“I know, Sejin. Mom knows too.”

“…”

As if she hadn’t misunderstood his meaning, Sejin couldn’t hide his flushed face and bit his lip, meeting her smiling gaze. His pale cheeks turned as red as a peach, and soon a shy smile spread across his beautiful face.