Passion Raga Novel (Completed) - Chapter 72

Then, at some point, he let out a low, hollow laugh, utterly devoid of strength. It was as if all the strength had drained from his body at once, and he rubbed his face with his hands, as if to cover it. With a weariness that suggested he could drop dead at any moment, he mumbled,

“My father fell in love with my mother at first sight, you see…” Ling Xinlu muttered to himself, almost inaudibly, as he rubbed his eyes.

Yuri, who had been staring at the ceiling, turned his gaze to him and listened in silence.

“To keep my mother, who didn’t want to live with an old man, he even tried to use drugs.”

Ling Xinlu’s eyes met Yuri’s through the loosely covering fingers. His dark eyes, black as despair, stared at Yuri.

“But thankfully, before he could, my mother got pregnant. That was me. And because a much healthier and more constructive tether appeared than drugs, my mother was able to stay without being drugged.”

He gave a twisted laugh.

“Even now, my mother avoids my father. Even after all the effort my father has put in for over twenty years, lavishing her with whatever she desired and trying to win her favor.”

The story he had probably heard since he was very young—perhaps from his mother herself, or from gossip who enjoyed talking about others—was far removed from the beautiful love story that some romantics would tell about Ling Hwirung and his young wife.

Yuri recalled Ling Xinlu’s mother. And then his father came to mind as well.

Beautifully sorrowful like a hydrangea, she never smiled brightly when she was with her husband. Perhaps she did smile like that somewhere Yuri didn’t know, but at least Yuri had never heard people say so.

“Their relationship isn’t bad. They get along reasonably well, the two of them. My mother, in her own way, is good to my father. Yet, in the end, it never became a relationship where they completely satisfied each other’s hearts. Perhaps it will remain that way until one of them passes away.”

“The obsession to bind someone to your side, even if it breaks them and leaves only a shell, ends like that, I suppose,” Ling Xinlu said, shrugging lightly. With a subtle expression on his lips, as if he were smiling or not, he silently stared at Yuri for a moment.

“You can’t hold someone with drugs. Taeui hyung also said that.”

A bitter light permeated his words. Yuri looked at him and let out a quiet sigh.

“The reason Jeong Taeui didn’t come to you, Mr. Ling Xinlu, isn’t because you’re lacking. If a heart drifts, no matter what you do, you can’t hold it.”

It wasn’t Ling Xinlu’s fault. Nor was it Jeong Taeui’s fault, or anyone’s fault. It was simply because his heart had leaned towards Riegrow.

You couldn’t keep a person whose heart had drifted by your side. Or even if you held them by some coercive means, it wouldn’t be truly having them by your side. Jeong Taeui was not Ling Xinlu’s lot from that moment on.

Yuri offered Ling Xinlu a gentle gaze.

“Find someone who is right for you. There will surely be someone.” At that moment.

Ling Xinlu’s complexion, which had been staring blankly at Yuri with darkly sunken eyes, changed. His face instantly hardened, as cold as if ice water had been poured on it, and he stared at Yuri without even blinking his wide eyes.

Soon, his eyes turned pale blue and began to gleam.

“Who is that?”

His voice was as cold and agitated as his gaze. Ling Xinlu’s pale face trembled as if he was barely, truly barely clinging to reason. His voice trembled even as he continued.

“Is someone right for me? Who is that?! Why are you doing this to me? You know everything! Why are you pretending not to know?! Why are you doing this to me?!”

His trembling voice gradually grew louder, finally echoing through the room like a shout. And facing him, Yuri was speechless for a moment.

“—You know everything.”

The voice, crying out as if wronged, echoed in his ears. He knew. What Ling Xinlu was saying now. Yuri also knew what those eyes, black and shimmering with immeasurable greed, were seeing.

He didn’t know why, or since when. Perhaps even Ling Xinlu himself didn’t know. But at least at this moment, what he desired and what he was saying was clear.

It somehow felt unreal. His calm, composed gaze faced Ling Xinlu in reality, yet he felt somehow bewildered. This was true even as he was both flustered and yet welcomed and pleased by the way Ling Xinlu clung to him like a child.

Perhaps that was why his instability was all the more noticeable.

“I like you, Mr. Ling Xinlu.”

Yuri quietly spoke the words he had said many times before. He wasn’t just repeating them. As always, before speaking, he carefully reconsidered his words.

Has anything changed from yesterday? Do I truly know my own heart? He strove to live honestly, at least with himself.

Pale and expressionless, Ling Xinlu stared at Yuri. He was like a thin, delicate piece of glass that could shatter at any moment.

“And if Mr. Ling Xinlu wishes, I will renew the contract. This year, next year, and perhaps until Mr. Ling Xinlu desires it. As long as I am capable.”

These were also words he had already said to Ling Xinlu. And even now, thinking about it again, those words were not false. Yuri would remain by his side as long as he wished, as long as he was capable.

Yet, Ling Xinlu remained anxious. His unstable heart did not calm even when Yuri said that.

“As long as you wish, I will remain here, and yes, during that time, you might desire me as much as I desire you. But what more do you wish for?”

What more, and how?

What kind of answer or action from Yuri would make him truly happy and smile brightly again, like before? Yuri didn’t want to see this lovely man tormented by such instability because of him.

Yuri pushed himself up, his body aching heavily. Just sitting on the bed felt like it would make him break out in a cold sweat, but he managed to swallow a sigh, sat up straight, and faced him.

Ling Xinlu, with a pale face, merely stared at him in silence.

“A lifetime contract? Do I just need to sign that paper?”

That wasn’t what he wanted. If they kept renewing the contract, a piece of paper that made no practical difference seemed unimportant.

However, on the other hand, if he thought about it differently, then he could sign it for him.

Rather than see someone in such pain, he could do that much, easily. If only that could make him feel better.

But it wouldn’t.

Ling Xinlu, who couldn’t answer Yuri’s question and only offered a dark gaze, already knew that what he desired was not just that one paper.

“Want me more.”

Ling Xinlu suddenly whispered.

“Be greedier for me. Always look at me, want me more, and more, and more. Enough so I won’t feel anxious.”

Like this, pleading with unbearable emotion, just as much as I, who am so consumed with desire for you that I don’t know what to do.

Looking at Ling Xinlu’s darkly shimmering eyes, Yuri blinked uncomfortably instead of answering.

It wasn’t that he disliked it. He wanted to do so much for him. Since he already liked him this much, what would be difficult about continuing to like him and liking him even more?

However.

Right now, Ling Xinlu was asking Yuri to like him in a different way than Yuri liked him.

Not loving him like quiet, calm flowing water, but visibly and intensely enough to satisfy his anxious and restless heart. In the way Ling Xinlu desired Yuri. So Yuri couldn’t answer immediately.

It was a matter of personality. It was a matter of innate disposition from the beginning, something beyond his control. Just as a grazing animal cannot become a carnivorous beast, it was a matter divorced from effort.

Ling Xinlu seemed to have read the discomfort on Yuri’s face.

He must have guessed the reason, and his thoughts.

After staring at Yuri with burning eyes for a moment, he left the room and returned, placing what he held in his hand before Yuri.

Fluttering onto the blanket was a single contract.

Ling Xinlu picked up a pen and wrote “Lifetime” in the blank for the contract period. He then signed his name in the “Employee” section of the contracting parties and handed it back to Yuri.

“Tell me you’ll be greedier for me than you are now. So I won’t be anxious, want me more, much more than you do now, at least as much as I desire you. Sign it with that meaning.”

Yuri looked down at the contract, where only his signature line was blank, then raised his gaze. Ling Xinlu was looking down at Yuri with a stiff, hardened face. His face, tightened by tension and anxiety, looked almost angry.

“I’ll give you time. There are a few more days until your contract expires, so until then. Think carefully before you decide. Whether to sign, or to end the contract as is.”

“…It’s not something that can be done with effort or will.”

“Try, even if you have to force yourself.”

Ling Xinlu said firmly. He knew he was being absurdly stubborn, but as if he couldn’t help it, he shut his mouth tightly.

Yuri, who had been looking down at the contract with a troubled expression for a while longer, raised his head. His eyes met Ling Xinlu’s, who had not taken his gaze off him.

“I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”

“Then all the more, make the promise and be sure to keep it.”

Ling Xinlu did not back down. He glared at Yuri with eyes that were becoming more and more watery, as if he was about to cry.

However, Ling Xinlu also knew that he was being unreasonable. Yuri wasn’t pointing it out because Ling Xinlu himself already knew it and was still being stubborn.

“Are you angry? Are you going to get sick of me?”

Ling Xinlu suddenly spoke to Yuri, who was looking at the contract in silence with a troubled expression. His stiff voice was soaked in anxiety.

Yuri thought he really didn’t want to hear a voice like that, and raised his head.

“Don’t be angry. I’m really scared when Mr. Gable gets angry.”

Because he almost never gets angry, it felt even more like he would truly hate him if he did.

Ling Xinlu, who whispered dejectedly, quietly reached out his hand. The hand, which was about to grab Yuri’s wrist, hesitated nearby as if it was watching his reaction.

Even though Yuri wouldn’t push his hand away if he grabbed his wrist, knowing that, his hand hovered in the air for a moment as if afraid, and finally grabbed the blanket in front of him. As if wronged, yet having nothing else to substitute it with, he clutched at it tightly.

“I’ll try anything else.”

He whispered like a plea.

“I’ll adjust to Mr. Gable in everything else. But not this. I can’t love so generously and calmly, like you do, being content with us living our own lives diligently even when far apart, occasionally exchanging messages and blessing each other. I can’t do that.”

Ling Xinlu shook his head and pleaded.

He had thought about it for many days. During the time he couldn’t sleep properly and spent most of his day thinking about Yuri, he hadn’t avoided such thoughts.

But no matter how much he thought and tried, it was impossible.

Just imagining Yuri being content even when far away from him made his vision blur and turn black.

“You saved me.”

His heart ached and felt stifled, and out of injustice and sorrow, what finally burst out was twisted resentment.

“You pulled me out of the sea. You took me out of the Serengeti. No matter what I said, you saved me on your own because you didn’t want me to get hurt.”

Ling Xinlu glared at Yuri with intense eyes. His trembling voice pleaded his case.

“Then save me to the very end.”