Passion Raga Novel (Completed) - Chapter 71

“I won’t do that,” he tried to say, but the words wouldn’t leave his tongue. The intense heat pouring into his lower body with maddening sensations left no room for speech.

No thoughts came to his mind. The strong grip of the hand clutching his waist, the firm teeth biting his lips, the movements that pulled Yuri’s waist closer and pushed him harder each time he swayed—it all came as one massive sensation.

As if his entire body was made of sensation itself.

Hah, hah, hah. A sound that could be his own breath or his, filled his ears. The sound somehow seemed mixed with sobs, and Yuri thought he might be crying. Now that he thought about it, his cheeks felt wet. His eyes too. Perhaps he was screaming and wailing uncontrollably.

But what if it was this man who was crying?

Yuri desperately tried to clear his vision, blurred by tears, blinking several times and looking at Ling Xinlu.

But Ling Xinlu, who had briefly thought of crying, wasn’t crying. Only drops of sweat were running down his dry cheeks.

And yet, Yuri, struggling with his dazed mind, didn’t know why he looked like a wailing child, and he tried hard to keep his gaze on Ling Xinlu, refusing to look away.

Ling Xinlu also never took his eyes off Yuri, staring at him as if to devour him.

The heavy volume filling and moving tightly inside him seemed to grow larger and larger. The sensation of being filled more densely in his abdomen, of being spread open, suffocated him.

His breathing was ragged. His head felt distant. His body, already inflamed and sensitive to the point of death, no longer felt like his own.

At some point, he might really die like this. The thought suddenly struck him.

“—, I feel like I’ll—”

Fragmented words spilled from Yuri’s mouth. They flowed out like wind, scattering, but Ling Xinlu seemed to understand.

Ling Xinlu, his voice already hoarse with excitement, no longer sounding like his own, whispered,

“You feel like you’re dying? —I feel like I’m finally alive. I haven’t been able to sleep properly, hardly eaten, and my mind has been a mess.

Do you know how long it’s been like that? Do you know how long it’s been? I don’t really know when it started. For a while now, I truly felt like I was going to die like this—but now, I feel alive. I do.” His arms around Yuri’s waist tightened further. As if he would crush his body if he could, he hugged him so tightly there was no room for even a finger to move.

“I was truly exhausted to the point of death, but holding you in my arms like this, it feels like that fatigue is melting away. I finally feel alive.

All this time, my throat was burning, I felt like I was going to die, I couldn’t bear the thirst.” Ling Xinlu put his mouth to Yuri’s ear, whispered, and kissed him.

I can never let you go. No matter what happens, no matter what it takes, I can never let you go. I’ll do anything to keep you by my side.

The whispered words, as if melting in his fading consciousness, became scattered.

“…”

Yuri thought, blankly staring at the ceiling, that he must have lied about being tired to death. The thought of how long the sun had been up also surfaced and vanished in a corner of his mind.

As he repeatedly lost consciousness and awoke, Yuri never saw Ling Xinlu sleeping. Ling Xinlu was always watching Yuri whenever he opened his eyes. Sometimes calmly, sometimes desperately, sometimes greedily. And each time, like that gaze, Yuri’s body would slowly, quickly, intensely tremble.

—Can’t you?

Suddenly, a low voice echoed in his ear. Trembling as if about to cry. It seemed to have whispered it many times. Even while Yuri’s consciousness was beyond, he seemed to have whispered endlessly to his deaf ears.

Please let it reach. Even if it just brushes past his deaf ears, to his heart. Like that, praying.

—Can’t you be more greedy with me? Can’t you want me more, can’t you think you can’t live without me? That you can’t live apart from me.

—Can’t you think that too? It was a weak voice, like a disheartened child.

“…”

Yuri blinked, closing and opening his eyes. His eyes ached painfully from how much he had cried. His throat was hoarse.

His body felt so limp he didn’t want to lift a finger. He hadn’t realized it at the time last night, but he must have cried and screamed quite a bit himself.

Yuri turned his head. Ling Xinlu had somehow moved to the bed, pulled a chair beside it, and was sitting there beside Yuri, who was lying quietly covered by the blanket.

He looked somewhat exhausted. It wasn’t because he had stayed up all night. He was unconsciously rubbing the deep lines between his eyebrows, still lost in thought, motionless.

Even though he must have known Yuri was awake, Ling Xinlu didn’t look at him, but kept staring at his own hands, lost in thought. Yuri turned his head to stare at him, following his gaze.

Ling Xinlu was holding something small in one hand, casually resting on the armrest. Each time he slowly rubbed it, a crisp, rustling sound of tiny plastic was heard.

Yuri watched for a while what that rectangular plastic, occasionally appearing and disappearing between his fingers, was, before finally realizing.

“!”

He seemed to have noticed Yuri’s gaze fixed on the plastic bag. Ling Xinlu, who had been crinkling the plastic with his fingers, finally raised his eyes.

His eyes were darkly sunken. Yuri silently met his gaze, eyes that seemed to look into a bottomless, pitch-black darkness.

“Human will is ridiculously weak.”

Ling Xinlu said slowly. Even his voice was tired and low.

He slowly lifted what he was holding in his hand. Lightly held at the tip of his fingers, it was a rectangular plastic bag. A small, rectangular plastic bag, sealed without any seams to tear. Half-filled with white powder.

Ling Xinlu stared intently at the stamp-sized plastic bag, then slowly shook it. The white powder inside rustled with his movement.

Yuri silently watched Ling Xinlu. He gave Yuri an unexpressive look and then muttered, “Winan gave it to me, saying it was what that bastard smuggled out yesterday. I forgot I had it in my pocket.” The regular rustling sound of the powder shaking came from his hand.

“I’ve seen countless people ruined by this. Sometimes, one or two out of a hundred might go into rehab after being ruined like that, but even then, only one or two out of that hundred truly recover. It seems that it’s that hard to quit.”

“Even if you’re lucky enough to quit, if you try it again years or decades later, just once, thinking ‘just this one time,’ your life will fall into hell again,” he muttered, his voice nonchalant.

“Even people with strong willpower are no different. Unless it’s a mild recreational drug,

with something as serious as this, ninety-nine out of a hundred are the same. When the body can no longer bear it, the mind eventually bends. That’s probably why they say drugs eat away at your mind. Doesn’t it feel somehow empty?”

His fingers, playing with the plastic bag, crinkled it again. Then tap, tap, he tapped the powder inside. As if contemplating what to do with it.

“When I thought about making Tae-yi hyung addicted to drugs and keeping him by my side, you told me not to, Mr. Gable. You said it would be an eternal torment for him. But then,”

Ling Xinlu closed his mouth. His lips seemed to twist slightly.

“What if I still want to hold on?”

He casually tossed the drug, which had been dangling between his fingers, onto the table. And after staring at the drug for a while longer, he looked at Yuri. His eyes, dyed pitch black to the point of being unfathomable, eventually formed a faintly twisted smile.

“What about you, Mr. Gable? If you were addicted to drugs beyond recovery, do you think you could somehow quit by your own will?”

Instead of answering, Yuri silently met his gaze. But the silence wasn’t long. He spoke calmly and indifferently, as if giving an already known answer.

“I could end my life.”

The moment his quiet, nonchalant answer flowed out, the smile on Ling Xinlu’s face vanished as if it had been wiped clean.

A faint pallor drained from his face, frozen as if ice water had been dumped over his head. But he slowly distorted his face.

He let out an unstable, scoffing laugh, hah, as if mocking.

“Aren’t you taking it too lightly? While there are indeed some drugs that are relatively easy to quit, with truly dangerous drugs, once you’re addicted, you can no longer maintain your sanity. You only think about the drug, without any room to think about ending your life or anything like that.”

Yuri looked at the ceiling. He was silent for a moment, as if searching his memory, then slowly nodded.

“Yes. But for brief moments, sanity returns. Enough time to end one’s own life.”

Ling Xinlu fell silent.

This time, he truly lost his expression. The faint anger, the sudden despair, the clinging obsession that wouldn’t give up, all disappeared, and his eyes, pale and lifeless, stared at Yuri.

Yuri quietly turned his gaze away from Ling Xinlu.

“I also have a friend who eventually passed away because of drugs.”

….

Ling Xinlu said nothing. He only stared blankly at Yuri, his face ghostly and pale. His fingertips seemed to twitch convulsively. But that was all; he remained frozen, staring at Yuri without moving.