Passion Raga Novel (Completed) - Chapter 22

Yuri, unable to lift his head before Ling Xinlu, who remained completely still, swallowed a bitter breath, wondering what kind of expression he was looking down at him with. It felt like it was somewhere between an angry face and a mocking one.

“……Your expression really doesn’t change…… But I guess I can start reading you a little now. What you’re thinking.”

Indeed, since he didn’t lie, there was no need to read his expression anyway, a voice muttered back as if to himself.

Yuri slowly raised his head. And he saw. Unexpectedly, Ling Xinlu was looking at Yuri with a faint smile in his eyes, as if amused. His eyes were so beautiful that Yuri’s gaze was stolen once more.

He shouldn’t, he felt like he would be told off again not to stare, but he still wanted to look a little longer.

Ling Xinlu gazed at Yuri for a moment, then let out a soft chuckle, his eyes curving a little more.

“If you hadn’t acted so hateful, you might have become a rather interesting and pleasing little bug. ……Anyway, turn your eyes away. Don’t stare.”

A low sound entered his ears at some point. Yuri opened his closed eyes and sat up.

Just like waking from a dream, there was no sound, only a thick, dark night, but Yuri stared at the door for a moment, then got up, put on his gown, and went outside.

He walked through the cool, dark living room and stood before the inner room.

The door, open about a span, was quiet inside. As if to show how deeply asleep the person lying within was.

“………”

But before Yuri, holding his breath, could blink twice, another low sound flowed out from inside. It was the breathing of a wounded animal.

“……Excuse me.”

His quiet voice, as he gently knocked on the door and spoke, sounded unusually loud in the serene night air. At that moment, the rough breathing from inside vanished as if washed away, but Yuri pushed the door open and stepped in.

Even without turning on the light, his eyes, accustomed to the darkness, could easily make out the room. The empty sheet of pain relievers on the bedside table, not a single pill left. The water cup, showing its bottom. Yuri knew that sheet originally contained eight pain relievers.

“Are you in a lot of pain?”

Yuri approached the bed, bent down, and spoke softly.

From Ling Xinlu, who was motionless under the covers as if asleep, no words returned. The breathing from earlier seemed like a sigh in a dream, as if he truly had fallen asleep.

“I’ll get a wet towel.”

Just as Yuri, who had spoken briefly, was about to get up, a low, hoarse voice slowly seeped out from under the covers. Every single word, as if speaking itself was difficult.

“Unless you’re giving me more pain relievers, get out.”

Yuri looked down at him for a moment, then silently turned and walked away.

What Yuri returned with after a brief absence, however, was a wet towel. Holding the steaming wet towel, he pulled back the covers.

Unexpectedly, under the covers, which had obediently pulled down to his shoulders, was Ling Xinlu, his pale face drenched in cold sweat. One eye, reflecting light even in the darkness, glared dangerously at Yuri, then blinked, momentarily disappearing. He blinked several times, as if sweat had gotten into his eye.

“Don’t touch me at night …… I’m truly going crazy wanting to kill you.”

More accurately, it would be, ‘I’m going crazy wanting to kill you, but my body won’t obey me.’ His beast-like, gleaming eyes said as much.

During the day, as his body was active, the pain, which had been somewhat submerged below his consciousness, surged fiercely at night. It felt like his eyes were being poked with a red-hot poker. Even though he could easily endure most pain, it was so terrible that his mind went blank. Even after swallowing all the pain relievers within reach, the pain didn’t disappear, and his eyes burned unbearably. In an instant, his whole body was soaked in cold sweat.

Every night.

Losing consciousness from the pain, waking up again, exhausted and limp from the pain, until, much later, as dawn approached, whether the pain relievers finally kicked in or his mind cleared as the night scattered, he would find relief in the fading sensation of pain, his body drenched in sweat.

And each time, Yuri would go to Ling Xinlu’s room and stand by his side as he gritted his teeth to suppress his groans.

“Do you like seeing someone in such miserable pain? Damn it, letting me live, no, it wasn’t, ah—”

“Don’t bite your tongue.”

The pain came in intermittent waves. Moments of excruciating pain that covered his eyes completely with whites, and moments when his mind returned enough to be aware of his cold sweat and panting breaths, alternated. And when he was uncontrollably in pain, Yuri silently stopped Ling Xinlu from biting his lips or anything else to somehow offset the pain, even if it meant letting him bite his own fingers.

As if another wave of pain had receded, Ling Xinlu, sprawled on the bed, panted and sagged.

“My mouth tastes like blood… Who said I wanted to taste your blood?”

“Give me your arm.”

Yuri ignored Ling Xinlu’s muttering and pulled his arm. He wiped his wet body clean with the warm wet towel before it cooled. Occasionally, his chillingly dark eyes glared dangerously at Yuri, but now he seemed to have no strength left to push his hand away.

It’s okay. When day comes, he will return to being the Ling Xinlu who smiles brightly as usual, hiding his true feelings, as if he knows nothing of the night. Only at this moment, due to the terrible pain, does he lose the余裕 to put on a mask over his outward appearance.

And now, dawn was slowly beginning to seep into the middle of the night.

“……Taeui hyung, ……”

A familiar name suddenly flowed from Ling Xinlu’s exhausted lips. Perhaps he was half-unconscious.

“Still, he’ll go to that bastard. ……Even if I’m dying like this from the pain.”

Instead of answering, Yuri put down the towel he had used to wipe his body and pulled the covers up over him. He gently tucked them in so they wouldn’t lift.

“I met hyung before that bastard. I liked hyung before that bastard. Hyung liked me too. ……Not that bastard.”

His voice was exhausted. His lips, bitten and burst, were dry.

How many times had he thought such thoughts? Even while appearing like the sun during the day, he might have thought such things hundreds, thousands of times in his mind. Even knowing he would be consumed by anger and crushed by misery.

“Why him of all people? Why that bastard of all people? At least, if it hadn’t been for him, if it had been anyone else, then at least…—”

Ling Xinlu, who had been muttering like a lost soul, fell silent. After a moment of silence, he pulled the covers, which had been up to his shoulders, all the way over his head. During the day, he exuded an aura more overwhelming than that of a grown man, but at times like this, he was like a child shrunk infinitely small. Yuri instinctively stopped his hand that was about to pat him, then withdrew it.

“Don’t look. ……You. Your gaze. It’s really unpleasant. What do you want?”

“…….I want nothing.”

Except for the act of looking at itself, he added. A low breath was heard from under the covers. He probably snorted, but even that was exhausted, and his breath scattered.

“Don’t make me laugh… Even birth parents have the desire to have the affection they give freely returned. ‘Like me, smile when our eyes meet,’ do you know how noisy such gazes are…? But that’s better. ……What are you? I don’t know what you’re looking for.”

Yuri said nothing.

Ling Xinlu’s voice was slowly becoming slower. His mind, dulled by continuous pain, seemed to be slowly losing consciousness now. This kind of pain would only last a few days at most. Perhaps even tomorrow, it might lighten up to a ‘bearable’ pain. Definitely by the day after tomorrow.

Then he wouldn’t blurt out whatever was on his mind while half-unconscious. And because of that, he wouldn’t show displeasure when he faced Yuri again in the morning.

Even so, he wished he wouldn’t keep everything bottled up inside. ……But that wouldn’t be his role.

Yuri waited for the faint movement of the covers to settle into a completely regular rhythm, then quietly got up. In the air, which was now silent like the dead of night, he looked out the window, so dark that it was doubtful if dawn truly lay beyond, then turned and walked away.

There is no joy, no sorrow, no ecstasy, no misfortune.

The water was always filled only with stillness.

If only he could melt into this place.

The thought he had always wished for when submerged in water, long ago, he had stopped having at some point. While submerged in it, his body and mind truly became empty, as if he had melted.

Cozy and peaceful. As if in the place where he originated.

“………”

Hoo, Yuri exhaled a long breath and poked his head out of the water, sweeping back the hair covering his eyes and looking up. The dark sky was just beginning to break into dawn.

The moment he came out of the water, his consciousness, which had been scattered as if melted in the water, returned. Yuri got out of the pool and draped the towel he had hung on the ladder over his shoulders. It was still the dark early morning, and his wet body felt cold.

But he felt much better. As always when he entered and exited the water, his heavy heart seemed to have melted away in the water.

‘I probably can’t live without water,’ Yuri muttered, shaking the water out of his ears.

The only time he could enter the water was now. While Ling Xinlu was sound asleep. Even during that brief time, he would alert the other guards on watch, but when Ling Xinlu was awake and moving around, he rarely left his side.

In fact, even now, he had only been submerged in the water for a much shorter time than usual, so he wanted to swim more, but he was satisfied enough for today’s share. This much was enough to get him through today.

‘Shall I go back to the guest room then?’ Yuri muttered as he slipped his feet into his sandals.

“You look just like a water ghost in the dim light.”

Yuri flinched, his shoulders hunching, at the voice that suddenly came from behind him, though he hadn’t sensed any presence.

“…….What are you doing here?”

Yuri, who had turned his head while still hunched, blinked and asked when he confirmed the owner of the familiar voice, which was low and tired. He had left Ling Xinlu in the guest room, looking as if he were dead asleep. He never imagined that the person who had been suffering all night, drenched in sweat, and had finally fallen asleep from exhaustion, would appear here.

“I woke up again because of the pain. But it’s not as bad as in the middle of the night, so it’s bearable.”

Ling Xinlu, sitting on a beach bench, frowned and pressed a hand over his bandage. He rubbed his temple with his thumb, as if he also had a headache.

‘I see,’ Yuri stood still and watched him.

Seeing that he was speaking relatively coherently, it seemed the pain had indeed lessened to a bearable level, as he said. That was a relief.

“Did you come down for some fresh air?”

“When I looked down from upstairs, someone was monopolizing the pool in the dead of night and wouldn’t come out. You weren’t moving for a long time, so I came down, wondering if I was about to become the first discoverer of a drowned body.”

His voice was quietly subdued, but what he said was typical Ling Xinlu. When he spoke so quietly and gently, his sarcasm didn’t even sound like sarcasm.

“Do you like water that much? You probably didn’t get much sleep, but you prefer swimming to sleeping? ……I’m envious. I’ve never been so immersed in anything.”

“…….You are immersed in something now. To the extent that your attention is entirely focused on that, day and night.”

When Yuri quietly retorted, Ling Xinlu fell silent. He was silent for a moment, as if Yuri’s words bothered him, but he didn’t seem to be in the mood to express fierce anger, merely clicking his tongue and saying, ‘I really don’t like it……’

“Thanks to that, my head is heavy even at this hour.”

Yuri, who had been silently watching him muttering in a displeased tone, looked down at his feet, where water droplets were dripping and pooling, then opened his mouth and said, “Then,”

“Since you’re down here, try going into the pool. Your mind will feel much lighter. Heavy thoughts melt away like salt.”

“…….With these legs? With these eyes?”