Passion Raga Novel (Completed) - Chapter 21

Ling Xinlu seemed utterly dumbfounded by Yuri’s words. He scoffed again, “Huh,” and merely waved his hand.

“I’ll tell my eldest brother later. That you’re coveting his position, so he should be careful.”

The smile that appeared on his lips out of disbelief was clearly a sneer, yet even that smile was so beautiful that Yuri unconsciously gazed intently at his mouth. Though the smile vanished instantly as soon as Ling Xinlu noticed Yuri’s gaze.

“I told you not to look. Your gaze is unpleasant.”

At the frosty words that flew at him, Yuri quickly averted his eyes. He muttered briefly, “My apologies,” and looked down at the pool outside the window again.

The sun was already setting. When he was in Seringe, if there was nothing special to do, he would always go out to the sea at sunset. The sky, seen from underwater, shimmering in reddish-indigo, was always breathtakingly beautiful.

……If I could go in there. Even if it’s not the sea, if I could immerse myself in there and feel the soft touch of the water, rippling and tickling my skin.

He didn’t consciously realize it much, but he seemed a little depressed. When his heart sank low, he longed for water even more. So, Yuri didn’t realize what he had heard for a while. Ling Xinlu’s sudden murmur, “Yuri.” It took a moment, the time it takes to blink once or twice, before Yuri looked back at Ling Xinlu, bewildered. Oh, now…

It sounded like a very familiar yet very unfamiliar address. His heart thumped, even though it wasn’t a word with any special meaning.

“Yes?”

Yuri replied, slightly doubting if he had been called correctly. Ling Xinlu, still looking out the window and not even glancing at Yuri, remained silent in thought, then briefly cast a glance.

“Now that I think about it, my eldest brother also called you that when he talked about you. Yuri.”

“……..”

“I guess close people call you that? Like Mr. Miller just now.”

Yuri looked at him for a moment, then awkwardly replied, “Ah, yes.”

“I don’t specifically differentiate between close and not close when I call people, but generally, that tends to be the case.”

He hadn’t really thought about it, but now that he did, it was true. People he had known for a long time and were informal with usually called him that. But isn’t it similar for everyone?

Ling Xinlu crossed his arms and stared intently at Yuri. A subtly displeased look, he couldn’t tell what he was thinking, seemed to fleetingly cross his face.

“I see. ……How long have you known my eldest brother, Mr. Gable?”

Yuri immediately realized. The reason he brought this up the emphasis on “Mr. Gable” meant, know that there is this much distance between you and me.

He didn’t need to point it out like that; he wasn’t so oblivious or shameless.

Yuri rubbed his temples and sighed.

“Since before you were even ten years old. It wasn’t long after I started working at T&R. It’s been over a decade already.”

“Over a decade,” Ling Xinlu repeated, twisting his lips in a sneer.

“There are countless people who have spent decades close to my eldest brother and haven’t received as much trust as you have. How admirable. You must have a very good relationship.”

“It wouldn’t be that bad. Fei sometimes lets me stay over when I come to Europe.”

Yes, at least it meant he was trustworthy enough to entrust his son to, so it could be considered that he received a certain level of trust.

Yuri nodded, recalling Ling Tangyun’s trust anew. However, other words seemed to have entered Ling Xinlu’s ears first.

“Fei? That obnoxious guy?!”

“……. ‘Guy’? Fei must be a few years older than you, though.”

“Whether he’s a few years older or a few decades older, a nephew is still a junior in rank to me. Besides, he really is obnoxious. Even as a child, it was obvious he’d try his best not to lose to me in anything. And all the while, he’d pretend to be innocent and good.”

“Ah, he’s obnoxious,” Ling Xinlu said, shaking his head, and Yuri watched him silently.

People’s impressions differ for everyone, but he had never thought that Ling Tangyun’s eldest son, whom he had occasionally seen since childhood, was such an obnoxious type of person. He was competitive, but he was a kind child with leadership.

However, thinking that he might look different through the eyes of someone of a similar age, Yuri understood on his own. And then he quietly watched Ling Xinlu, who was grumbling gloomily, ‘Fei and Xiaojun, the siblings are equally obnoxious. Well, maybe they’re better than my second brother’s kids. Those guys, well…’

As if sensing Yuri’s inner thoughts, Ling Xinlu came to a conclusion himself.

“Indeed, there aren’t many people in my family that I like. They’re all greedy and only care about appearances.”

“……. But they seem to like you.”

Ling Xinlu’s furrowed eyes turned to Yuri. Yuri averted his gaze from him and looked down.

“You can tell by their words. How they think of you. How much they cherish, trust, and love you.”

At least as far as Yuri could guess, Fei didn’t dislike this youngest uncle. Perhaps because they were similar in age, there seemed to be some rivalry, but still, occasionally, when he would say things like, ‘That guy got into UNHRDO this time. And he was even the top student in his class. Isn’t that amazing?’ or ‘Xiao Qun was loitering near youngest uncle’s annex and got scolded by Dad and cried. He always sings about his pretty uncle…,’ there was no hostility whatsoever in his sporadic remarks.

Probably Ling Tangyun too. Or even ‘my second brother’s kids.’ They might find Ling Xinlu difficult to deal with, but they wouldn’t dislike or hate him. It seemed that way. Yuri silently looked down below. It would be nice not to have such complicated thoughts underwater, he thought.

“Many people like me, you know. In fact, it would be faster to find people who dislike me.”

At that moment, Ling Xinlu spoke. Yuri, who unconsciously turned his gaze to him, saw his bitterly twisted lips.

“But have you ever thought that the way can be very unpleasant?”

“The way… you mean.”

“I mean, not all goodwill is the same. Even interest can become ‘curiosity that wants to dig into every intimate detail of the other person’s private affairs,’ rather than ‘consideration,’ at any time.”

Yuri closed his mouth.

Ling Xinlu clicked his tongue in annoyance, as if recalling some past memory or perhaps a continuous one throughout his life. The sudden surge of annoyance, however, didn’t seem to subside with just those words. He glared at Yuri with fierce eyes and unleashed another burst of anger.

“You’re like that too, for example. You look at me saying you like me, but I find it unpleasant. If some pervert looks at you saying they like you, would you like it?”

He hadn’t expected the arrow to suddenly fly at him, so he was momentarily speechless. Even knowing it was just an outburst, Yuri seriously pondered for a moment. Then he began, “Though it sounds like an excuse for myself.”

“I have never had any perverse thoughts about you.”

Ling Xinlu looked at Yuri with a look of disbelief.

“You didn’t think? About me?”

“Yes, I didn’t.”

Ling Xinlu, who stared blankly at Yuri with the same incredulous expression for a moment, scoffed and muttered, “Wow, now you’re even lying with a serious face, accusing people of being swindlers.”

“……I’m truly dumbfounded. You’re saying you weren’t staring blankly at me? How many times have I told you to look away just today?!”

Ling Xinlu glared fiercely at Yuri and roughly pulled at his half-unbuttoned shirt. A button that hadn’t been fully undone fell and rolled across the floor. Ling Xinlu roughly threw his discarded shirt at Yuri’s feet and stood directly facing him. Then he slapped his bare chest with his palm.

“This!”

His words were low but harsh.

“You’re saying you didn’t want to touch this? After staring at me like that hundreds of times? Am I a fool, not to notice a gaze that stares at me so openly?!”

“That’s not it.”

Yuri became so flustered that even his impassive face seemed to waver slightly. But as if he didn’t see that, Ling Xinlu glared even more fiercely.

“What do you mean, ‘not’!”

“It’s true that I looked, and it’s true that I couldn’t tear my gaze away, but I didn’t have any thoughts that I couldn’t tell others. I couldn’t even think of having such thoughts.”

His earnest appeal, though not stammering, seemed to have been heard, if only by a speck of dust. No words came from Ling Xinlu’s mouth, who had been about to burst out.

Yuri seriously faced Ling Xinlu, trying to erase the unpleasantness he must have felt. But he hesitated for a moment, unable to immediately think of what to say next, and eventually added a weak, unconvincing remark.

“Believe it or not, I’m heterosexual.”

“……..”

“I have been, until now. Truly.”

“……..”

“……. Though I’m starting to doubt it now.”

His voice, which had been steadily decreasing as if he were lying even though he wasn’t, finally trailed off into a resigned murmur. He even lowered his gaze, looking dejected.

“……….”

“……….”

Silence fell.

Neither Ling Xinlu, who had been about to explode in anger but stopped due to incomplete combustion, nor Yuri, who had tried to defend himself but ended up making things worse, spoke first for a moment.

“……There were many guys like that. Guys who claimed to be heterosexual and said they weren’t interested in men.”

Finally, Ling Xinlu spoke first. His somewhat sullen tone seemed very displeased with the situation, as if he was being stubborn in an ambiguous situation where there was no clear basis for rebuttal.

“But they still ended up trying to force themselves on me. Spouting ridiculous nonsense like I seduced them with my eyes first, or that they thought I was a woman because of my face when they were drunk.”

“They all ended up in the hospital. Some of them are still and will continue to be hospitalized. I think I mentioned it, but I’ve never lost a fight to anyone. ……Almost.”

“Almost.” Ling Xinlu’s face faintly stiffened as he added that word. Yuri immediately recalled who the person was who had married his life, which until then had never needed such a caveat. Almost simultaneously, he blurted out.

“I won’t be like that. I’ll just… like you from afar, just by looking.”

Any words would do. He blurted out whatever came to mind before his mind festered again with memories, and only after speaking did Yuri pause, Oh.

He felt like something was wrong. The words themselves weren’t a lie, but somehow, it felt like he had accidentally confessed. In such an uncool and naive way the kind of way Annette would scold him for if she heard it, asking what kind of confession that was.

Ling Xinlu also looked at Yuri with a face similar to the imaginary Annette. Fortunately, however, his face, which had momentarily stiffened and lost color, had returned to its usual expression. He looked at Yuri with a face that suggested he had heard an unfunny joke.

“Can you assert that?”

Ling Xinlu said, gesturing with his chin. Yuri quickly replied, “Yes,” and nodded.

Force myself on him? He hadn’t even imagined it. Even if he wasn’t heterosexual (though he was now doubting it), he would never have thought such a thing. He had never even dreamed of physical intimacy against someone’s will.

Ling Xinlu faced Yuri, who didn’t avert his gaze, and scoffed slowly. He turned to leave, as if granting him a pass, and firmly stated, “Don’t forget those words.”

Yuri obediently nodded and replied, “Yes,” again, and somehow found the situation amusing. This situation where he, a heterosexual man, was confessing to him, a homosexual man, and getting rejected.

He had accidentally, vaguely, confessed, and been rejected.

It would be a lie to say he wasn’t depressed. But on the other hand, he wondered, What does it matter? He had never wished to pluck the flower from the beginning anyway.

Thinking that, his heart felt much lighter. Okay, Yuri nodded to himself, but then, seeing Ling Xinlu pick up the clothes he had thrown on the floor, dust them off, and start putting them back on, he unconsciously murmured, “Oh.” with a hint of regret.

Ling Xinlu, who had just put his arm through the sleeve of his shirt, looked back at him, puzzled, as if asking why.

“……Nothing. Put your clothes on.”

“……? Why.”

Ling Xinlu buttoned his shirt one by one and turned towards Yuri. Yuri silently watched him.

He certainly had no intention of touching him or forcing himself on him. But he truly was beautiful. Beautiful enough to want to look at forever. And his body was beautiful too. Perhaps ‘beautiful’ is an inadequate word. His body had a quite different feel from his bright and lovely face; it seemed thin, but when seen in person, it was flawlessly and smoothly developed with muscles. It was the kind of body that made you admire, Is this what a beautiful man’s body is like?

“……. Is it really true that you just want to look and like, without any ulterior motives?”

Ling Xinlu asked, stopping just below his collarbone as he was about to button it, and staring intently at Yuri. Yuri subtly shifted his eyes to avoid his gaze, at the cold but perhaps, he couldn’t tell if it was his imagination, with a hint of amusement.

He had said just a few minutes ago that he ‘hadn’t had any strange thoughts,’ but he didn’t know why, after saying that and looking at him, he suddenly felt strange again. He truly hadn’t had any thoughts he couldn’t tell others before then.

Feeling a little wronged and embarrassed, Yuri hesitated, then sighed and slumped his shoulders.

“Until a moment ago, yes. Truly. ……I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

Yuri, dejected and honestly muttering, bowed his head and pressed his lips together, looking only at the tips of Ling Xinlu’s shoes, who was standing directly in front of him. I must look pathetic. And I call myself someone who likes him.