Passion Novel - Volume 6 - Chapter 146

Jeong Taeui watched him blankly.

This quiet and beautiful person would someday meet someone. And he might find another person heavy, or stifling.

Thinking that made him a little sad, but still, Jeong Taeui would always be in that spot. Other people’s distance from him might always change little by little, but Jeong Taeui would always be in that spot. He was in that stable position.

Perhaps tomorrow, when Jeong Jaeui enters UNHRDO and Jeong Taeui moves to an unknown location, they won’t be able to see each other for a while again.

But the place where Jeong Jaeui and Jeong Taeui stood was always that stable place. Connected by an invisible thread.

Jeong Jaeui seemed to have thought something similar to Jeong Taeui.

He was about to leave the room, gathering his almost non-existent belongings, when he suddenly stopped. And for a moment, he silently looked at Jeong Taeui.

Suddenly, he seemed about to speak. But his slightly parted lips hesitated for a moment before closing again. Instead of speaking, he managed a faint smile.

“Tomorrow, if they pick me up early, I’ll just go as I am. You might still be sleeping.”

Jeong Jaeui said, his brief smile already gone. Jeong Taeui nodded, “Mhm.”

Jeong Jaeui gave a slight bow, and then briefly greeted Xinlu, who had been silently watching them, before leaving the room.

He left.

Click, the door closed with a small sound.

Jeong Taeui watched his vanished trace with his eyes, exhaling silently.

He looked down at his hands blankly.

He toyed with the invisible thread that he had once mimed cutting with his other hand. He enjoyed the sensation of the intangible thread.

Jeong Taeui chuckled.

“…You like it?”

Then, suddenly, a voice came from beside him.

Jeong Taeui looked up. Xinlu was right next to him. When their eyes met, he smiled broadly. And then sat on the adjacent bed.

“Mr. Jae-ui is going back to UNHRDO? That’s troublesome… Then how will I hold Taeui Hyung now…?”

Xinlu mumbled, pretending to be worried. Jeong Taeui watched him blankly. Xinlu, sensing Jeong Taeui’s gaze, looked up. His dark eyes met Jeong Taeui’s.

“…Does your eye hurt?”

Jeong Taeui asked quietly. Xinlu’s eyes widened in surprise. He stared intently at Jeong Taeui with those large eyes, then at some point, he laughed aloud. He laughed for a moment with a tinkling voice, as if very amused.

“As expected, that’s the first thing you ask.”

As if he already knew Jeong Taeui would ask, Xinlu said, still with a hint of laughter. Jeong Taeui merely watched him silently.

Xinlu smiled subtly. What to say, he was like a cat hiding a secret. Or perhaps he was choosing his words.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s just that I’m still not used to something I’ve used without discomfort for over twenty years suddenly disappearing.”

Jeong Taeui silently reached out a hand. With the hand carefully placed on Xinlu’s right temple, his thumb very lightly stroked Xinlu’s eyelid. Xinlu didn’t pull away from the hand and remained still, his dark left eye continuously watching Jeong Taeui during that time.

Then, at some point, he softly whispered, with a faint, habitual smile on his lips.

“When I realized I had lost the sight in this eye, I was in agony.”

“…Yes.”

“It wasn’t because I lost my sight that I was in agony.”

Xinlu smiled. Jeong Taeui, with a slightly puzzled look, but quietly, waited for him to continue.

Xinlu remained silent for a little longer, then opened his mouth.

“At that time, my whole body was a wreck, and I was hospitalized, unable to move. I heard those words while lying in the hospital bed. That it would be difficult to see with this eye from now on. At that time…ㅡI hated Rick. To the point where I didn’t want to be on the same earth as him, even if I had to die. …Hatred is truly strange, isn’t it? I clearly think I can’t hate him any more than I do at this very moment, but as time passes, I hate him even more with each passing moment.”

Xinlu added, “It’s truly strange,” and tilted his head. And then, as if lost in other thoughts, he spoke somewhat hazily.

“What tormented me most then was that, at that moment, I realized it. Something I absolutely never wanted to realize.”

Xinlu remained lost in thought for a while even after finishing his words, as if stunned.

Jeong Taeui kept waiting. For him to continue. But Xinlu didn’t say anything more. At some point, as if he suddenly snapped back to reality, Xinlu met Jeong Taeui’s gaze and smiled broadly.

Suddenly, slowly, but without hesitation, Xinlu’s hand reached out. The hand brushed Jeong Taeui’s chin and cheek, enveloping his ear. Xinlu leaned closer to Jeong Taeui and whispered softly and gently. As sweetly as enticing a child with candy.

“Hyung is coming back to Hong Kong with me. I’ll hide you. I’ll protect you. Even if Rick chases after you, no matter how much he rages, I’ll protect you so his hand can’t reach you.”

As that soft voice brushed his cheek, Jeong Taeui looked at Xinlu with a strange feeling. In this familiar yet unfamiliar appearance, he suddenly realized something. That realization spread suddenly, yet slowly, drop by drop, within his heart.

Jeong Taeui watched Xinlu silently for a long time. This was someone he had liked. Someone he still liked. The realization about such a person felt less like disappointment and more like a subtle sadness.

“…Xinlu. I’m going back as soon as it’s daylight tomorrow.”

Jeong Taeui said quietly. Xinlu’s hand, which had been stroking Jeong Taeui’s cheek, paused. The smile vanished from Xinlu’s face. And he looked at Jeong Taeui with an ambiguous expression.

“To Rick?”

Jeong Taeui nodded at his short question.

Xinlu looked at him blankly. Suddenly, Xinlu’s voice lowered even further.

“Taei Hyung. You know better than anyone, don’t you? What kind of person Rick is. How effortlessly he harms people. How unpredictable and fickle he is. How little he understands the human heart. …Even if he isn’t like that now, he could always succumb to his cruel nature and kill you at any moment.”

He knew. Jeong Taeui knew him just as Xinlu described. No, he knew him even better than Xinlu described.

Ilay Riegrow was a man who couldn’t be understood by conventional thought. No one knew better than Jeong Taeui how much blood was on his white hands, or how casually he thought about it. Also, his nature would never change. As Xinlu said, perhaps one day Jeong Taeui might die at Ilay’s hands for some reason—or often, for no reason at all. He might even flash a casual smile as he watched Jeong Taeui die with those indifferent, cold eyes.

But.

ㅡTaei.

ㅡTaei.

ㅡTaei.

Ilay was calling Jeong Taeui that way.

Perhaps with a touch of regret, or longing, that faintly subtle, ineffable feeling—what should he call it? Perhaps—though it seemed unlikely—Jeong Taeui was mistaken. Xinlu’s words could be entirely correct.

But one thing was certain.

In Jeong Taeui’s ears, Ilay’s voice calling him was incredibly vivid.

“I guess the schizophrenia I thought was getting better hasn’t, after all…”

Jeong Taeui mumbled, almost a sigh. At his inexplicable words, Xinlu’s eyes widened slightly, and he tilted his head, but didn’t ask.

“You’re right, Xinlu. I’m still afraid of that bastard, and I’m still uneasy. Even if he seems to treat me somewhat well now, he is undeniably still cruel and evil. That fact will probably never change.”

Jeong Taeui paused for a moment. As he spoke, he could think of so many more things to complain about. When he counted them off on his fingers, his fingers were instantly full, and he couldn’t count them all.

“There are times I’ve been so angry at that bastard I could die — even now, and whenever I think about it in the future, it’s enough to make me endlessly furious. He’s definitely not the kind of person you’d want to get close to.”

Jeong Taeui closed his mouth again.

He felt a little depressed. The more he spoke, the more he wondered why he was like this. Xinlu, watching Jeong Taeui with a slightly gloomy expression, briefly asked in return.

“…But?”

But, even so.

Jeong Taeui quietly sighed.

“But still, I don’t dislike that bastard. Even if it’s to the point where I’m amazed such a person exists in the world… I genuinely don’t feel dislike.”

Xinlu said that his hatred deepened anew each time he thought of that man. And Jeong Taeui could understand that feeling, at least intellectually. He understood and knew all of it, yet still.

“Somehow, if I don’t take care of that bastard, no one else will… And then it’ll probably turn into a situation where a small problem, easily fixed with a hoe, would end up needing a spade to sort out…”

As he mumbled, he somehow grew more and more depressed. In front of him, Xinlu chuckled. “What’s that, Hyung, are you a hoe?” he said, laughing without much mirth.

“Moreover.”

Jeong Taeui started to speak, then closed his mouth again.

ㅡAs much as I have to put on the line for that, I will certainly get it back from you.

He recalled the low voice he had heard over the phone recently. He must have already known what he would have to put on the line then. And he—despite having a temperament that was excessively audacious, calmly committing acts others couldn’t even imagine—also knew that it wasn’t something to be done lightly.

“…And I have to return it.”

Jeong Taeui whispered with a bitter laugh.

But still, if he had known he would do such a thing, he would have preferred to stay quietly confined. If he had known he would become a nationally wanted man.

Xinlu quietly watched Jeong Taeui. His gaze swept over the bitter smile on his lips and the slight frown in his eyes.

“So. You’re going back to Rick?”

Xinlu finally asked again. Jeong Taeui nodded.

“Yes.”

“But I don’t want you to. I don’t want to let you go, Taei Hyung.”

Xinlu said with a troubled smile. Jeong Taeui watched his smooth smile for a long time without speaking; a smile that clearly showed he was troubled but had no intention of backing down and intended to assert his will.

Then, slowly, quietly, he opened his mouth.

“What you wanted has already come true.”

The expression vanished from Xinlu’s face. Jeong Taeui looked at that sight with a slightly wistful feeling.

Xinlu stared at Jeong Taeui without blinking. As he stared, Xinlu’s lips twitched several times before he finally managed to speak.

“What did I want?”

Jeong Taeui quietly sighed. Perhaps it was better not to say it. But Xinlu must have already known. He was very clever about other people’s hearts, and his own.

“What you wanted was to see Ilay’s face—today, no, was it yesterday?—at that moment. That face of someone who has lost what they desired. So you must be satisfied already.”

He hadn’t known it from the start.

But that subtle feeling, dropping like ink, drop by drop, into his heart, suddenly turned completely black at some point, bursting into his mind.

What Xinlu desired wasn’t Jeong Taeui himself. Perhaps at first, he wanted Jeong Taeui. No, he must have. But as time passed, and the poison accumulated, and as that poison accumulated further over time, it surpassed mere desire.

Xinlu’s smile vanished. His expressionless face gave no clue as to what he was thinking. He watched Jeong Taeui blankly, like a doll molded from white clay. At a moment when the silence felt as if it would continue indefinitely.

“I didn’t want to realize it.”

Suddenly, words spilled out. Xinlu quietly lowered his gaze. Searching through some old memory, he was silent for a moment.

“I never wanted to realize something like that in my entire life.”

What he simply didn’t want to realize was his twisted heart. The resentment of losing what he desired turned into hatred, and hatred became animosity, and finally that hatred swallowed his heart. Now, even what he initially desired had been swallowed by it.

Xinlu looked down at his hands. “I didn’t want to know,” his lips whispered, full of anguish.

But suddenly, Xinlu smiled. He laughed like a sigh. His face soon returned to that initial smile. He smiled broadly at Jeong Taeui.

“Certainly, perhaps the feeling of hating that bastard is now much more intense than the feeling of liking you, Taei Hyung. But I truly like you, Taei Hyung.”

Jeong Taeui remained silent before that beautiful and lovely smile, which hadn’t changed at all from when he first saw it. Then he shook his head, “Sorry.”

“I can’t go along with your hatred. My own desires are more important than your hatred. So, I… I have to go back to Ilay.”

“Perhaps I’m being foolish,” he added.

No other thought came to mind. Thoughts like what to do when he met him, or for what reason he needed to meet him, didn’t appear.

It just felt like he had to go see him now.

Because that face—those expressions that, even upon reconsideration, truly didn’t suit that man—kept gnawing at his heart.

“…I don’t like it.”

Suddenly, Xinlu’s expression changed.

His lovely smile deepened. His cat-like eyes stared straight at Jeong Taeui. As if he didn’t want to miss a single moment.

“You can’t go, Hyung.”

“I’m going.”

“You can’t go.”

“I said I’m going.”

Xinlu closed his mouth. Jeong Taeui also closed his mouth. Any further conversation would be pointlessly repetitive.

Hmph, Xinlu exhaled. A bitter smile played beneath his slightly creased eyes.

“Don’t do this, Taei Hyung. I can take you by force if I have to. Don’t make it hard for both of us for no reason.”

“Then I won’t be able to go back as soon as day breaks tomorrow… But still, I’m going back regardless. I will go.”

Jeong Taeui suddenly wondered. Why was he so intent on going? If he was going eventually, a little delay wouldn’t hurt. No, perhaps it would even be better to go when his anger had subsided somewhat.

But.

Taei, that voice lingered in his ears.

That unfamiliar face, smiling so joyfully the moment their eyes met, lingered on his eyelids. That unfamiliar expression, like despair, stiffening to a pale blue as if struck where it was most vulnerable, was etched into his heart.

“Taei Hyung. …Please like me even now. You liked me, didn’t you? Just like I did. So, please start liking me again, from now on. Taei Hyung. Then the feeling of thinking about you will grow even greater than this black feeling in me. Definitely.”

Xinlu’s earnest voice was heard. He held Jeong Taeui’s hand with an expression of utmost torment. “Please,” he pleaded.

But Jeong Taeui couldn’t give him the answer he desired. “Sorry,” he said.

Suddenly, Xinlu’s plea stopped. His hand, which had been grasping Jeong Taeui’s, slowly slipped away. Xinlu looked at Jeong Taeui with cold eyes. That faintly blue-tinged right eye, that eye which couldn’t see, stared straight at Jeong Taeui.

“Taei Hyung. I… I lost so much because of that bastard. You, the heart that just liked you, my eye… But why isn’t he like that? This is unfair. I…ㅡI absolutely cannot let you go.”

Xinlu was smiling. With a bewildered but firm gaze, he told Jeong Taeui he wouldn’t let him go.

Jeong Taeui sat silently, then finally said quietly, “Then I’ll give you my eye.”

“…ㅡHuh?”

“I’ll give you my eye. Half the responsibility for you losing your eye is mine.”

Xinlu looked stunned. He seemed unable to immediately think of how to respond to such an unexpected offer. Xinlu’s eyes stared at Jeong Taeui. As if trying to ascertain if his words were false, his gaze was unwavering, unblinking, fixed on Jeong Taeui. No, he glared.

But there was no need for that.

Jeong Taeui truly could give it. If he wished for it, he could give an eye without hesitation.

If it would make him even a little more at ease.

“…I can’t give both.”

Jeong Taeui faced Xinlu, who was staring intently at his eyes, and suddenly added. He added one more word to a flinching Xinlu.

“I’ll give you one. Either the right or the left. Whichever you want.”

Jeong Taeui said calmly. Living with one eye would be inconvenient, but if Xinlu was living that way now, Jeong Taeui could certainly live that way too.

“My eyesight is uneven, so my right eye is worse, but my left eye has worse dry eye than my right. You’d better think carefully before choosing.” Jeong Taeui mumbled with a serious expression.

Xinlu, who had been looking at Jeong Taeui as if lost, suddenly contorted his face.

“I don’t need it…”

“…I really can give it to you.”

“I said I don’t need it.”

Xinlu looked like he had a bitter taste in his mouth. He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, sighing silently as if tired. Perhaps it was a moan rather than a sigh.

Jeong Taeui quietly watched Xinlu and said softly.

“If I can fill what you’ve lost, I will. But among the things you mentioned, the only thing I can give is an eye, that’s all. I… I have to fill what Ilay lost too.”

Ilay was already different from just a few days ago. Things he had naturally possessed just a few days ago were now gone from him. Things he hadn’t wished for, but had lost because of Jeong Taeui.

“What did that bastard lose?” Xinlu mumbled like a petulant child. His weak voice was a little heartbreaking.

What should he answer?

Ilay had lost a lot. Xinlu must have known it too. Now Ilay couldn’t move freely. He might not be able to obtain what he wanted, and he might have to do things he didn’t want to do. He had chosen to lose those things.

Jeong Taeui gave a bitter smile. He really had lost it.

“…His inhumanity.”

At Jeong Taeui’s sudden mumbling, Xinlu raised an eyebrow in surprise. “That bastard lost his inhumanity,” Jeong Taeui mumbled with a sigh.

If Ilay had been as he was before, not human in any way, he would never have done such a thing. He wouldn’t have thrown away something important because of Jeong Taeui, nor would he have worn such a joyful expression, nor such a troubled one.

Xinlu, who had been staring intently at Jeong Taeui, seemed to lose strength.

“So, you’re going to fill that inhumanity?”

“That… is a bit much for my capabilities.”

“And filling him with humanity is also difficult for my capabilities,” Jeong Taeui added, pausing for a moment before continuing.

“I’m going back to become Ilay’s weakness.”

Yes. That’s definitely it.

Jeong Taeui would become Ilay’s weakness if he returned. Whether Jeong Taeui wished it or not.

Suddenly, his chest felt hot. And then, with a thud, it settled heavily. What should he do? Now that he thought about it, this wasn’t just a problem of schizophrenia. This might be him offering his entire life to be devoured.

Jeong Taeui’s face must have been quite peculiar. Xinlu, who had been looking at him, suddenly recoiled weakly and then simply lay down on the bed.

“Weakness… …Then I’ll come to get you again, Hyung.”

With his eyes closed, Xinlu whispered to himself.

Jeong Taeui closed his mouth. And raised his eyebrows slightly, looking down at him. After watching him for a while, at some point, he quietly chuckled.

“Then that would be for your sake.”

Xinlu didn’t answer. As if he had fallen asleep, his closed lips didn’t open.

However, with his eyes closed, Xinlu had a slightly hurt expression. Twitch, his chin trembled. Jeong Taeui reached out a hand to Xinlu. The thought of stroking his eyelids, which seemed to be trembling, suddenly surged within him.

But his hand stopped just before reaching Xinlu. After a moment of hesitation, he withdrew his hand. And merely watched him.