Passion Novel - Volume 5 - Chapter 128

Jeong Taeui arrived at Bahepe street with Xinlu just as the sun was setting over the mountains.

Perhaps because it wasn’t time yet, the square was quiet. Occasionally, some vendors who had already secured good spots could be seen, but there were hardly any sightseers yet, and likewise, few people selling goods.

A white tourist, looking at a travel guide in his hand, told them that the market would slowly start in another hour or two.

Jeong Taeui was surprised that such a niche travel book existed for such a remote place and made a mental note of the book the white man was holding. Kyle’s theory, which he had heard ad nauseam during his stay in Berlin, was that one should always remember and cherish publishing houses that put out books that didn’t sell well. His past, where he eventually closed his business after publishing such books, came to mind, but Jeong Taeui said nothing.

“There’s something like a stone wall in that empty lot over there. Hmm… is it some kind of territorial mark?”

Xinlu, who had been looking around the square, which was still mostly empty, with curiosity upon arriving at Bahepe street, suddenly turned his gaze to a spot a little distance away.

Beside the flat, exposed dirt ground, there were scattered crumbled stone walls, and behind them, grass grew luxuriantly.

“Ah, they say it’s a fortress ruin.”

“Fortress ruin? Did people live on this island so long ago? Enough to leave a fortress?”

Xinlu’s eyes widened as he looked at Jeong Taeui and immediately walked towards it. In a few hours, it would be the site of a flea market.

“According to the indigenous people who have lived here for generations, yes. They say there was an astonishingly developed civilization here hundreds of years ago.”

“Hmm. A common claim. But if that claim is true, it seems they’re managing such precious ruins very poorly.”

Xinlu, who had run to the stone wall in one breath, examined the wall with curiosity. It seemed to have originally been a circular structure layered upon itself, but it was so dilapidated that only traces of it remained.

Since a bustling flea market would be held here, it wasn’t just poorly managed, but they probably had no intention of preserving it in the first place… Jeong Taeui mumbled, following Xinlu a few steps behind.

Jeong Taeui, who had already thoroughly examined the pile of stones that was the fortress ruin when he first came here, chuckled as he watched Xinlu diligently running around, disappearing and reappearing among the stone walls from a little distance. Then he took out a cigarette—the one he had received from Xinlu earlier, though his suspicions weren’t entirely gone—and put it in his mouth.

Ilay would be back soon. If I go back today, I’ll be dead again. …Oh well, I don’t know. There’s nothing I can do anyway.

Jeong Taeui was about to sit on the piled stone wall beside him but paused. Even though no one managed it, it was still a ruin of sorts, so he probably shouldn’t sit on it. He sat quietly on a large rock placed beside it.

The sky had already turned deep indigo. Stars began to appear one by one. Once the beautiful purplish trace of the sun in the sky completely faded, countless stars would take their place.

It was the silent, vast starry night of the Southern Hemisphere, something Jeong Taeui could never see in the distant metropolises where he had lived. When he came to this island and saw the Milky Way flowing vividly overhead like a river in the night sky, Jeong Taeui was speechless for a while.

He was now in that beautiful place. And somewhere in that place was his brother. Xinlu was there, and Ilay was there too. There was someone with whom he could share that indescribably overwhelming emotion.

That thought suddenly made him happy.

Jeong Taeui exhaled smoke towards the deep indigo sky with a pleasant sigh.

“But on the other hand, I wonder if I can really share this human emotion of being moved by something beautiful with that guy…”

“I can share it with you, Hyung.”

Gasp, Jeong Taeui stopped breathing. He almost inhaled cigarette smoke again. Cough, he coughed once and lowered his head. Xinlu, who had been diligently looking at something under the stone wall a short while ago, was now standing right beside him.

Whip? Jeong Taeui stared at Xinlu with surprised eyes and took a drag from his cigarette. Xinlu was about to sit on the stone wall next to Jeong Taeui, then seemed to think better of it and sat lightly on the rock where Jeong Taeui was sitting. Jeong Taeui’s eyes curved. That was one of the reasons Jeong Taeui liked Xinlu.

“Ah… it’s good after all. I’m so happy to be able to see it again thanks to you, Hyung.”

Xinlu said with a bright smile. Jeong Taeui raised an eyebrow and silently flicked off the cigarette ash. Xinlu soon continued with words that were somewhat inexplicable.

“I came to Africa a few years ago. UNHRDO opens its branches for applicants to tour once every three years. You can’t choose which branch to tour, but in my case, I toured the African branch. So I stayed in Johannesburg for a few days. At that time, since I was already in Africa, I traveled around a few places before returning.”

Jeong Taeui nodded and silently waited for him to continue.

Perhaps it was simply due to a sense of guilt. The way Xinlu brought up UNHRDO and seemed to have a longing expression. Jeong Taeui exhaled, blowing out the bitter feeling with the cigarette smoke.

Everyone had times when they had to give up something to gain something else. Jeong Taeui had experienced this several times. What he wanted to gain was sometimes trivial, sometimes important. What he had to give up was also sometimes trivial, and sometimes important.

After a long time, there were times when he thought it might have been better if he hadn’t made those choices. It was different from regret, as he didn’t cling to past choices, but sometimes those thoughts were unavoidable.

Xinlu gave up UNHRDO because of Jeong Taeui. It was his own choice. Jeong Taeui had no room to intervene in that choice. So it wasn’t Jeong Taeui’s fault. Reason clearly said so.

However, despite that, the bitter and apologetic feeling was also unavoidable. Perhaps someday, after a long time—or not so long—Xinlu might think, it might have been better if he hadn’t made that choice.

Can’t be helped, that’s how people live, Jeong Taeui muttered bitterly to himself, flicking off cigarette ash. Xinlu, who might have been thinking of UNHRDO, however, continued on a topic unrelated to it.

“How beautiful the sky here was. …No matter how you describe it to someone who hasn’t seen it, they’ll never understand. They can’t even imagine it. That sky, endlessly, endlessly, endlessly stretched over the vast land, so painfully blue, and those dazzlingly white, shadowed clouds.”

Looking up at the sky, Xinlu whispered as if dreaming.

In that pitch-black sky where stars were beginning to appear one by one, Jeong Taeui seemed to see the sky he spoke of. That beautiful scenery that left him no choice but to be silent.

“I wanted to possess it. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Probably, no matter what other scenery I see in the future, it won’t be more beautiful. Perhaps even if I look at the same sky in the same place, I might never see such a beautiful sight again. At that moment, I truly, truly wanted to possess that sky.”

“…Yeah…”

“I couldn’t capture it with a camera or anything. No matter how good the camera, it couldn’t capture it as perfectly as the human eye.”

Xinlu fell silent. He remained silent for a while, lost in thought, then finally sighed. Then he subtly took the cigarette pack from Jeong Taeui’s hand, pulled out a cigarette, and put it in his mouth. Click, a quiet sound, and a wisp of smoke rose.

After one puff, two puffs, and exhaling smoke, Xinlu finally spoke again. A faint smile was in his eyes as he glanced at Jeong Taeui.

“Thinking about it now, I don’t think I’ve ever been as desperate as I was then. Because I wanted it so desperately, but I couldn’t have it. That was truly…”

Beside Xinlu, who had fallen silent again, lost in thought, Jeong Taeui tapped his almost burnt-out cigarette on the rock and mumbled,

“Right. You can’t peel off the sky and hang it in your room, and you can’t dye it with opium.”

Xinlu burst out laughing. He mumbled with the cigarette in his mouth, “I’m the type of person who isn’t satisfied until I get everything I want, ever since I was little.”

Jeong Taeui said nothing.

He didn’t say things like, People and the sky are the same, they can’t be possessions. Even the sky is divided by countries claiming their airspace, let alone people. While human rights advocates chatter in the sky, on the ground, people are sold like livestock. By their own will, or by the will of others.

He himself, at this very moment, wasn’t confident. If Xinlu truly poured opium into Jeong Taeui for days on end and addicted him, he couldn’t be confident that he could free himself from it whenever he wanted. It was the same even without drugs.

Who said that if you don’t possess a person’s mind and spirit, they’re worthless? There were plenty of people who weren’t like that.

But.

Jeong Taeui liked Xinlu. He was still a lovable child. So, for Xinlu’s sake.

He hoped Xinlu wouldn’t do that. Even if Xinlu himself was content with that kind of happiness, Jeong Taeui wished for him to live experiencing other kinds of happiness.

“Someday, with time, will I… wish to stay by your side, in the way you want?”

Jeong Taeui suddenly mumbled. It wasn’t actually a question. It was a soliloquy. Xinlu didn’t answer. Jeong Taeui took out a second cigarette and put it in his mouth.

The answer was unknown. Truly unknown. All Jeong Taeui knew was what he was thinking at this very moment.

But in a corner of that unknown heart, an uncertain but clear sensation was saying: No, it won’t.

—Say it one more time, Taei.

Suddenly, a low voice clinging to his ear came to mind.

“—…”

Jeong Taeui unconsciously held his breath for a moment. He was grateful for the dim darkness that made it difficult to discern facial expressions, and quietly lowered his head. He looked at the toe of his shoe, as if an insect were passing by his feet, and needlessly flicked off the little cigarette ash.

His nape grew hot. That voice from that time, the warmth in his voice, the wet breath on his ear, the hands caressing and stroking his skin, all came to mind as if it were happening right now.

It was strange. And perplexing.

Looking back, Jeong Taeui had never thought deeply about it, but he seemed to have been quite popular. Several people had shown affection for him. He had heard “I like you” a few times. He had even heard it from people in his daily life whom he saw every day.

There was nothing to dislike. Nothing to be troubled by. He was grateful, but that was all. If Jeong Taeui didn’t feel anything for the other person, it ended there. No need to worry or be agitated.

But.

…Perhaps he was scared. Or perhaps anxious. Because the other person wasn’t someone he could deal with in a normal way, perhaps that was why he was anxious.

Jeong Taeui slowly shook his head, thinking that. If a man named Ilay Riegrow liked him. (No, there was no need to add ‘if’. Jeong Taeui didn’t think he was that oblivious or self-conscious.)

Thinking that made his nape hot. He had no idea what to do, how to respond. He was just perplexed.

Could it be that I like that guy?

That was the next thought that came to Jeong Taeui’s mind as he was lost in deep thought. His nape grew hot again. This time, the heat spread from his earlobes to his face.

“Taei hyung…?”

He heard Xinlu’s cautious voice beside him.

Jeong Taeui, who had been silently looking down at his feet, once again flicked the burnt-out cigarette he held in his hand and put it back in his mouth. He thought it was troublesome. Though it was dark, he could clearly see the face of the person right beside him. Moreover, Jeong Taeui didn’t know what expression to make, and Xinlu was exceptionally perceptive.

“Taei hyung.”

He called him again. Jeong Taeui mumbled in a low voice, “Hmm.”

Still, no.

Even with time, Jeong Taeui didn’t think he would go to Xinlu’s side in the way Xinlu wanted. He couldn’t tell him to wait.

“Xinlu. I’m sorry.”

Jeong Taeui said softly. Xinlu said nothing. He just stared blankly at Jeong Taeui.

It had grown dark. The market was about to open, and people were slowly gathering.

In front of the fortress ruins where they sat, people carrying various goods casually spread out their mats and sat down, and over by the fountain in the central square, vendors were neatly arranging their wares. People were already walking around among the vendors who had just begun preparing for tonight’s business.

Xinlu had come here wanting to see the market, but even when the market began to open and people started bustling, he didn’t even glance in that direction. He just kept looking at Jeong Taeui.

“You liked me first, Hyung.”

Finally, Xinlu whispered in a fading voice. His quiet, calm voice seemed to plead regretfully.

Jeong Taeui said nothing. Should he apologize? No, he didn’t think he should. He just closed his mouth and silently met Xinlu’s gaze.

At some point, Xinlu sighed soundlessly. He sighed deeply, looking down at his feet as if lost in thought, then soon raised his head. His face was as usual. The pitiful or sorrowful expression from a moment ago had already vanished, replaced by his usual calm expression that could hold a smile at any time.

“You’re too impatient, Hyung. I told you that if you say things like that already, it makes me want to stop caring about means and methods.”

“…”

“I have a lot of time. More time than I know what to do with. So, you don’t have to worry about me.”

Xinlu smiled. Then he stood up from the rock and made a gesture of dusting off his bottom, which had nothing on it.

“Shall we start looking around? The market seems to be setting up. It would be nice if we could find something unique and cool. A flea market in the remote parts of Africa, doesn’t that sound like something interesting?”

“…Yeah, it would be good if we could find something nice. Maybe we’ll find something wonderful we didn’t expect.”

Jeong Taeui chuckled softly. Perhaps because his spirits were low, his laughter lacked strength. So Xinlu seemed to pretend not to notice. Jeong Taeui also decided to pretend not to notice.

“You go ahead and look. I’ll have one more cigarette and then go.”

Jeong Taeui lightly held up a freshly pulled cigarette from the pack. He put it in his mouth and lit it.

“Hyung. Smoking one after another like that isn’t good for you. …Okay, then I’ll look around near the fountain, so come quickly, Taei hyung.”

Xinlu probably wanted to wait until Jeong Taeui finished his cigarette and go together. But then he seemed to change his mind, forced a smile, and turned to leave.

Thank you, Jeong Taeui thought to himself. As Xinlu had guessed, Jeong Taeui wanted to be alone right now. In the night wind, his head was clear, but his heart was disturbingly heavy.

“…”

Whoosh, he exhaled a long stream of cigarette smoke towards the sky. Xinlu was already far away, near the fountain. People were slowly starting to bustle, but he wasn’t worried. Xinlu wasn’t someone who would be harmed by anyone, and besides, even if he were mixed in with two or three times more people, Jeong Taeui was confident he could find him quickly. Moreover, even if he couldn’t find him, Xinlu would find him first.

“Ilay… Ilay Riegrow. You’re the bad one.”

Jeong Taeui let out a soliloquy with the smoke.

Looking up at the starry sky that seemed about to pour down, Jeong Taeui sighed, repeating that name for a moment.

“What if I really like that guy…?”

He was worried. So he deliberately recalled bad memories. There were countless unpleasant memories involving a man named Ilay Riegrow, too many to count on ten fingers. And even recalling those memories now instantly made him furious, uncomfortable, or gave him the chills.

He recalled that face alongside those memories.

“…Ah, right. I’m angry, not just angry, I’m scared too. If I stay next to that guy, I probably won’t live long. Either get struck by lightning next to a cruel person, or die by a cruel person’s hand.”

Jeong Taeui mumbled to himself. Then he suddenly fell silent for a moment. Even thinking about the trouble that guy would cause when he got home today made him worried, he mumbled, sighing at the useless thought of why he had ended up in this situation.

Jeong Taeui flicked off the cigarette ash, thinking, Well, there’s nothing for it. As always, he had no choice but to wait for time to resolve things. If he had no other recourse, that was his only option. To quietly hold his breath and wait for the situation to pass.

There were times in life when that happened. Situations and times that couldn’t be controlled by his will alone. Times when it was excruciatingly hard, truly so hard that he felt like he would die, and no matter how desperately he struggled, there was simply no way out. At such times, he could only hold his breath. To avoid being swallowed by the ‘time’ pressing down on him, he could only hold his breath.

Time passes. Only memories remain. Gradually fading.

Jeong Taeui tap, tap, flicked off the ash. At that gesture, Ilay’s white hand suddenly came to mind. That white hand that would slowly tap, tap on a table or something when he was lost in thought. Jeong Taeui looked down at his own hands, which were neither as white nor as smooth, and chuckled.

“Then for a while… shall I just stay by that guy’s side?”

By my own will, he quietly swallowed those words.

The cigarette, burnt down to the filter, had only about one puff left. After finishing it, he figured he could go look for Xinlu near the fountain.

Jeong Taeui put the shortened cigarette in his mouth and stretched his neck. The square was already full of people coming and going. Near the fountain, various sounds overflowed, as numerous as the people.

Xinlu must be somewhere among them. For now, he was hidden among the crowd, but after this last puff, he would stand up and take a few steps, and he would surely find him.

Jeong Taeui took a long, long final drag. The flame, burning bright red at the tip of the cigarette, gradually faded, charring the filter. Whoosh… he exhaled very slowly.

Then he lightly stepped down from the rock and stood up.

For now, let’s hang out with Xinlu for a bit and then go back to the guesthouse. Surely Xinlu wouldn’t immediately resort to any means necessary to drag him away today. The knife-like gaze that would surely come his way as soon as he returned to the guesthouse already sent shivers down his spine, but there was nothing for it.

Since he had decided to stay with that guy for a while, it was a gaze he would have to face countless times anyway.

Jeong Taeui chuckled softly. And slowly, he took a step to look for Xinlu.

“Where could he be…?”

Had he found something good? Perhaps he was happy, having found something wonderful he hadn’t expected.

Jeong Taeui stepped among the people and slowly looked around.

There were a lot of people. The closer he got to the fountain, the more crowded it became, making it difficult to pass without brushing against someone’s clothes.

There were old people, and children who looked old enough to be in school. There were men with bushy beards and sharp eyes, and women with their hair tied up, looking around with curiosity. Even within Islamic culture, not all were the same, and their attire subtly differed.

Some women wore simple hijabs and examined goods, while others were completely covered in burqas.

People who lived here, people who visited occasionally, and people who would visit only once and never return, all mingled together. And Jeong Taeui leisurely walked among them.

That’s when it happened.

Without much thought, wondering where Xinlu might be, and whether women in chadors and veils could even see in this darkness, thinking how inconvenient it must be for women in Islamic countries, he glanced at a woman about ten steps away, and then it happened.

“…! …Ah.”

Jeong Taeui tilted his head. He slowly slowed his steps.

But even as he slowed and then stopped, Jeong Taeui didn’t know why he had stopped. He just tilted his head in puzzlement and faintly furrowed his brows, muttering, “Hmm.”

What was it? Something had just caught his attention.