Passion: Diaphonic Symphonia Novel - Chapter 47 - Where He Should Be

There are things in life you regret belatedly.

I wish I hadn’t done that then. Or, I should have done that then.

Such instances, whether trivial or important, happened several times, and regret, whether for trivial or important matters, was never a refreshing emotion.

If it was the kind of regret that allowed one to think they wouldn’t repeat the same mistake in the future, it could perhaps be used constructively, but matters that were already concluded as past events were simply irreversible regrets.

Like anyone, Jeong Taeui disliked regret. He hated looking back, feeling wistful about things that had left his hands.

So, whenever he faced a situation in life, or stood at a crossroads, that was the first thing he considered.

When I look back later, will I regret it or not?

If the possibility was similar, which of the two paths at the crossroads would lead to a less painful regret—a reversible regret?

Thinking such thoughts, he chose, discarded, and moved forward.

Those choices weren’t always right, but he believed that thanks to them, he had lived with fewer regrets and a more comfortable mind, looking forward.

What wasn’t over remained unfinished, and what was over remained over.

And so, for the past few years, Jeong Taeui had lived without much regret. It was a fortunate thing.

And now, for the first time in years, he was contemplating a life with and without regret, recalling such grand thoughts. Even the very form of regret.

I wish I hadn’t done that then. Or, I should have done that then.

“…I wish I hadn’t asked that then. Or, I should have responded immediately after hearing the answer.”

Jeong Taeui rested his chin on an arm casually draped over the railing and muttered gloomily.

It was a late afternoon, the sun setting, and Jeong Taeui was alone on the makeshift tower.

As the sun dipped redly into the west, the wind blew unusually strong today. His hair whipped against his face, and his clothes flapped noisily.

Despite the strong wind, the sunset was beautifully colored, making it a fine day. A place with strong wind and good weather. It felt just like being on a mountaintop.

“Even if it’s just a five-story makeshift tower, it might surprisingly be quite high if calculated by altitude.”

Jeong Taeui muttered something completely unrelated to the worries filling his mind.

Standing facing the back of the main building, Jeong Taeui saw an annex building a fair distance away. Next to the annex, a large, clean pool was visible. Perhaps because it was hot today, two or three people were in the water.

Normally, he would think the water looked refreshing, but now, such a thought didn’t even cross his mind. Instead, the water looked ominous, only increasing his gloom.

He shouldn’t have asked.

Is it me you’ve set your heart on?

Immediately after asking, Jeong Taeui regretted it, thinking, Ah, shoot.

It was a question that would bring no gain, only harm.

If the answer was no, it would just be awkward and embarrassing. Plus, he’d get a bewildered look from the other person, and for a while, he’d have to live feeling guilty every time he saw them.

But that would have been better.

At least, he could have willingly endured it as the price for not being able to suppress a momentary doubt.

However, if the opposite answer came back.

“…What should I do…?”

Jeong Taeui’s chin slipped from his hand, and he rested it directly on the railing. Then he pulled at his hair.

The answer came a long time after he asked.

When Jeong Taeui asked, Christoph said nothing. He just silently stared at Jeong Taeui.

From that subtle gaze, Jeong Taeui somehow felt a very ominous premonition. I shouldn’t have asked, I asked for no reason, such a feeling of dismay crept up his entire body.

As Jeong Taeui pondered how to break through this stifling situation, Christoph slowly lowered his head. And he looked down at Jeong Taeui’s chest. Silence flowed for a long time again.

Now, I should laugh it off.

That thought came to him.

It would be better to say it was a joke, that he just said it for no reason, and skillfully resolve the situation.

…Otherwise, something very troublesome will happen…

He felt it instinctively. That instinct was a great ally that had protected Jeong Taeui until now.

‘Ah. You know, that was just a joke—’

‘I guess so.’

But just as Jeong Taeui was about to quickly salvage the situation, belatedly speaking up.

As if he had been waiting, Christoph, who had been deep in thought with his head bowed, cut Jeong Taeui off mid-sentence.

Slowly raising his head, his gaze met Jeong Taeui’s.

Jeong Taeui felt what it was like for a frog to face a snake.

No, Christoph certainly wasn’t thinking of swallowing Jeong Taeui or killing him, but Jeong Taeui felt that way about the situation itself.

‘I think I like you.’

Christoph, as if having come to a conclusion during his contemplation, now spoke firmly and decisively. His expression was faintly hardened, appearing blunt.

Jeong Taeui, for a moment, didn’t know what to say—his mind also blank—and just stared blankly at his face.

When he clearly heard those words, the first thought that came to him was, ‘I’m dead.’

And the second thought, despite the dozens of difficult situations that simultaneously flooded his mind, was the somewhat foolish thought, ‘This beautiful person likes me.’

And then, thirdly, Jeong Taeui returned to reality.

What do I do?

Of course, he could just refuse.

There was no need to say more.

But the question was whether refusing would truly resolve everything cleanly.

Sometimes, just uttering words could create problems. He had a strong feeling that this might be one of those cases.

No, first and foremost, he had to refuse.

‘Chris, thank you. I’m very happy that you said that.’

To start smoothly, he first offered a polite greeting. But that seemed to be another mistake.

A faint light flickered on Christoph’s face, which had been blankly staring at Jeong Taeui. His lips twitched, and he blinked a couple of times.

Jeong Taeui resented himself for being sensitive enough to detect that faint signal.

‘No! No, no, no, I mean, as you know, I already live with a man. We haven’t broken up.’

As Jeong Taeui hastily raised both hands and added, that signal disappeared from Christoph’s face again.

He returned to his usual cold and indifferent expression and said blandly,

‘Then just break up. I’ll treat you better.’

Damn it. This man, lacking common sense in relationships, clearly didn’t know how to handle rejection. Or perhaps he had never been rejected before and didn’t know what to do. Or maybe he had some strange brain disease that prevented him from accepting rejection as rejection.

Then, let’s try a different approach.

‘The person you’re telling me to break up with, he’s your friend and former colleague, you know.’

‘I thought I said he wasn’t my friend.’

Suddenly, Christoph’s attitude became skewed. His demeanor indicated he was thoroughly annoyed.

He raised his head to look at the sky, then returned his gaze to Jeong Taeui.

‘And.’

‘…’

‘If that guy were in my shoes, what do you think he’d do? Would he quietly back off? Or would he snatch you away?’

Jeong Taeui had no answer to that. The answer was too obvious.

Jeong Taeui hummed and scratched his forehead. A drop of sweat had already appeared on his temple.

‘Then the most important thing is my opinion. I don’t really intend to. Sorry.’

In such cases, it was best not to drag things out. Jeong Taeui quickly went with a direct approach.

This time, Christoph also seemed to have no intention of retorting and closed his mouth, glaring at Jeong Taeui. He seemed to be racking his brain for the right words.

Suffering over how he had encountered such a predicament, Jeong Taeui met his gaze.

He was flustered. Being popular should be a cause for joy, but that also depended on the person.

‘So, you’re refusing?’

Finally, as if having sorted out his thoughts, Christoph asked. Jeong Taeui replied immediately without much thought. “Yes,” he said. Christoph then pondered for a moment again and said with his usual stark face,

‘But I like you.’

‘…’

This would easily become an endless loop.

Jeong Taeui pulled at his hair with such force that it seemed he might tear it out. Perhaps thanks to that, a fact suddenly came to mind.

‘That’s right. You don’t like touching other people, do you?’

This time, Christoph’s complexion hardened a little more noticeably.

It seemed he couldn’t even make an excuse for that.

‘Well, …just holding hands, I might get used to it.’

‘No, that’s not enough. As I said before, with that guy, I go beyond just holding hands; we sleep in the same bed, we kiss, and we even masturbate.’

Jeong Taeui, thinking he should seize the momentum and put an end to this conversation, rattled off the words. Only after speaking did he realize how awkward it sounded coming from his own mouth, but it was too late.

Moreover, what was masturbation? He did even more than that, but he only mentioned that much to protect Christoph’s pure mind, who had immense prejudice against physical relationships between men.

As Jeong Taeui quickly justified himself and rattled on, Christoph’s complexion paled slightly. His eyes narrowed menacingly.

‘I don’t like that.’

‘Huh?’

‘I don’t like you doing that with him.’

‘…’

Is this what they call an outsider acting like a husband? Jeong Taeui briefly thought, then quickly erased the thought from his mind.

Christoph lowered his head again. This time too, his gaze dropped to Jeong Taeui’s chest, and he fell into thought with a fierce expression.

Jeong Taeui, having somewhat recovered from being on the defensive, calmed down a little. He quietly observed Christoph, who was motionless in thought.

Even with a fierce expression, it wasn’t much different from his usual face. This man’s expression rarely changed much. Unless he was losing his temper and raging, his expression didn’t change significantly whether he was angry or in a good mood. Even when he smiled.

…No… had he ever seen him smile?

Jeong Taeui tilted his head slightly. He recalled his memories, then tilted his head in the opposite direction again.

It was as if he was facing someone who had never smiled; memories simply wouldn’t come to mind.

A person who had never smiled.

That person was now frowning, deep in thought, right in front of him. It was a very slight expression of displeasure, but it was the face of someone deeply troubled.

‘Christo—’

He almost called his name without realizing it.

But then.

Jeong Taeui’s eyes widened. And he blinked several times.

He felt something strange below. A feeling that wasn’t entirely unfamiliar, but definitely strange.

Jeong Taeui looked down to check, then raised his head with a very bewildered expression. And he stared at the man in front of him with disbelief.

‘…What, it’s nothing big.’

He muttered with a somewhat annoyed tone, clicking his tongue. Displeasure was evident in his expression. It was a face that would perfectly suit someone irritatedly asking why he kept bothering people.

However, the color of his face betrayed his expression.

It was very red.

As red as a persimmon, his face was flushed.

And below that face, Christoph’s hand, which had reached for Jeong Taeui’s crotch and grasped his private parts, was there.

No, I’m the one being held, so why is your face redder…?

Jeong Taeui tried to blush, but seeing that face, he couldn’t possibly imagine himself getting redder.

Christoph, who had blurted out “it’s nothing big,” was kneading Jeong Taeui’s crotch over his pants.

He only kneaded. Just clenching and unclenching, clenching and unclenching.

‘…’

‘…’

Only a subtle silence passed between them.

In the midst of it, Christoph’s face, which Jeong Taeui thought couldn’t get any redder, surprisingly became even redder, and seeing that face, Jeong Taeui, who had been perfectly fine until then, also felt his face grow hot for no reason.

‘Christoph…’

Jeong Taeui quietly called him. Christoph, whose face was as red as a ripe fruit but whose expression remained perfectly blank and indifferent, raised an eyebrow as if asking why he was being called.

Seeing that face, Jeong Taeui couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.

‘Let’s… think about it for a bit longer… It takes a long time for a person to get to know another person. Look, you must not know a lot about me, right? It’s the same for me.’

The situation of calmly saying such words while having his crotch held was extremely comical, but Jeong Taeui spoke earnestly nonetheless.

Christoph, still holding Jeong Taeui’s crotch in his hand and his face flushed hot, listened to Jeong Taeui’s words, remained silent, and then finally nodded.

Another subtle silence flowed.

Christoph was furrowing his brow, seemingly unsure when to let go and how to distance himself.

Jeong Taeui had no choice but to reach out and gently place his hand on Christoph’s hand, which was still attached to his leg. However, just as his hand was about to make contact, Christoph quickly withdrew his hand.

Jeong Taeui stopped his hand at the swift movement and looked at him, and Christoph—though it didn’t show much—looked awkward.

Soon, Christoph, with an unconcerned expression, got up, swiftly mounted his horse, and left without another word, only saying, “Then.”

Jeong Taeui, left alone in an instant, grumbled that Christoph should have at least asked, “Won’t you ride with me?” if he was going to confess his feelings, even though he didn’t particularly want to ride. He then gathered the rest of his clothes. And as he put on his clothes and his reason returned to him, regret surged like a tidal wave, and he collapsed onto the spot.

He guessed that the man would likely burst into laughter and find it immensely amusing.