Omega Complex Novel (Completed) - Chapter 8

Contradiction

Unrequited love is an emotion full of contradictions. It’s deciding to give up, yet dreaming of a future with the person; not confessing, yet hoping they’ll understand your feelings; or even hating them, yet being utterly incapable of disliking them.

This morning, my restless sleep and the two hours I spent getting ready to go out were an extension of these very feelings. Despite having declared I would give up on Choi Taegyeom, I meticulously styled my hair and rummaged through my closet. Every now and then, the thought that all of this was futile crossed my mind, but the gloom was quickly erased by another emotion.

The unlikelihood of him liking me, the fact that I had decided to give up on him—excluding all of that, the surging anticipation was the same as what I felt at nineteen, before I realized my feelings and saw Choi Taegyeom. Excluding all other facts, I was simply thrilled at the prospect of seeing him.

“Now, for this part, the error can occur in the…….”

What lecture would Choi Taegyeom be attending? The question that arose during my major lecture instantly branched out. His posture when sitting in a chair, his habit when taking notes, his occasional nodding off, and the slight furrowing of his brow when the content was difficult.

He would probably be listening to the class with one hand propping up his chin. His lowered eyes would have long eyelashes, and his well-shaped lips would be tightly pressed together. I recalled his profile, which I used to steal glances at. His smooth nose bridge and sharp jawline were like a painting, and sometimes when sunlight fell upon him, I’d forget to listen to the lecture and just watch Choi Taegyeom.

‘Don’t look at me, focus.’

Strangely, Choi Taegyeom had an uncanny ability to know when I was staring. The proof was him quietly nagging me without even looking at me. Of course, I didn’t avert my gaze and propped my chin up in the same way as Choi Taegyeom. After about five seconds in that position, he would look at me and smile, as if he couldn’t help it.

I wish we were in the same major…

Making schedules together, sitting side-by-side at a PC bang to register for classes. During free periods, we might go to the library and then spontaneously decide to skip class. Joining clubs, freshman orientation, MTs, and festivals—we would do everything together. Just like before, we would share every single moment.

If I hadn’t liked him, or rather, if I hadn’t presented as an Omega, would there have been even a slight possibility? If I hadn’t avoided him back then, would I have been able to go to the same major as him and remain his closest friend?

No, in the end, all of this was a lingering attachment. It was impossible, which caused distress, and because it was distressing, I didn’t give up. The result of not being able to be cold-hearted was attending the same school, and my last defense was choosing a different major. To hope for even one overlapping lecture now, after five years of trying and still not letting go, was a colossal contradiction.

“The more important thing is, the noun that could…….”

The moment I realized it, a sensation I had pushed aside resurfaced. Longing is something that can be learned. The emptiness and futility I would feel after parting with him. The emotion that kept me awake last night was coming back to haunt me. It probably wouldn’t disappear until tomorrow, when I met Choi Taegyeom again.

When I came to school, I met Choi Taegyeom. The premise that had only brought joy was, in fact, a double-edged sword.

“Let’s stop here for today.”

Thud, the sound of a book being put down. I instinctively checked my watch, and it was already time for the lecture to end. I looked at the TA erasing the whiteboard, then at my empty notebook, and let out a small sigh. The word ‘Choi Taegyeom’ was written faintly in my notebook.

“…I missed the whole class.”

A sigh escaped me. This was all because I had run into Choi Taegyeom for the first time in five years. I had even registered for all English-related liberal arts courses to avoid him, but why did the freshman orientation venue have to overlap with the Business Administration department? All the things I had disguised as coincidences were crumbling before a true coincidence.

Honestly, last night, I was incredibly happy to have met him. I couldn’t calm my pounding heart all night and tossed and turned, and every time I dozed off, Choi Taegyeom’s face appeared. It was true that I had harbored some hope of being able to stick together like before.

But looking back, this was by no means a good thing. Why had I avoided him for five years? Wasn’t it to let go of my feelings and remain friends? Yet, I had encountered him without having sorted out my feelings.

If I had never seen him again, perhaps it wouldn’t have mattered. But now that we had met, there was no turning back. Having realized that I wanted to see him, I no longer had the courage to turn away from him again.

While I was lost in thought, most of the students had already left the classroom. I also needed to go get lunch, but my listless body had no strength. My mood was fluctuating wildly, like riding a rollercoaster.

“Yoonwoo sunbae.”

It was at that moment that someone gently tapped my shoulder. Startled, I turned my head, and saw the familiar face from last night.

“…Kim Dohyun?”

Kim Dohyun was holding a pen, with the same major textbook open as mine. Anyone could tell he was a student who had attended the lecture. And he was sitting right behind me.

I had been listening to the lecture for two hours and hadn’t even realized Kim Dohyun was there.

“You’re taking this class?”

I asked hesitantly, and Kim Dohyun’s face subtly stiffened. Then he asked back in an incredulous voice.

“I thought you were pretending not to know, but you really didn’t know?”

If I had known, I would have pretended to know. I would have even asked if Park Sungjae had gotten home safely.

“That’s too much. They even called attendance.”

“Well, I mean…”

How many students were in the lecture? How could I possibly hear all their names? I hadn’t even heard it in the first place, but even if I had heard the name Kim Dohyun, I wouldn’t have connected it to him.

“You should have said hello.”

I added awkwardly, and he shrugged, closing his book and notebook. He replied good-naturedly that he thought I would turn around at least once. I recalled his notebook, full of notes, and decided I should borrow it when I had the chance.

“Ah, sunbae.”

At that moment, he suddenly lifted his head and looked at me. My shoulders seemed to flinch as our gazes met in the air. Did he perhaps catch my thoughts? Contrary to my worries, Kim Dohyun brought up a completely different topic.

“What were you thinking about so much during the lecture?”

During the lecture? Kim Dohyun glanced at my hand.

“Sunbae’s hand didn’t move once.”

Ah, he saw that. Feeling a bit embarrassed, I covered my notebook with my palm. It wouldn’t hide the empty notebook, but at least the doodle of ‘Choi Taegyeom’ wouldn’t be visible. It would be awkward if he thought I was a sunbae who just messed around during lectures and borrowed junior’s notes. (Which, in fact, wasn’t wrong.)

“Just, you know, I couldn’t focus.”

“Ah, I see.”

It wasn’t a very meaningful question, apparently. Kim Dohyun packed his bag without another word. I also tidied up my desk without much of a reply. I didn’t forget to quickly close my notebook before anyone saw it.

“Sunbae.”

Just as I finished packing my bag, Kim Dohyun called out to me again. I turned my head instead of answering, and saw his sparkling eyes. At that moment, I felt a strange sense of déjà vu and an ominous premonition.

“Who are you having lunch with?”

It was a very familiar question. A question I heard every time new students arrived before I returned to school. When juniors smiled like that, they always said the same thing. Asking me to buy them food, or something delicious. And hadn’t Kim Dohyun promised last night that I would buy him a meal?

“I don’t really have anyone to decide.”

I replied hesitantly, furrowing my brow. I wondered how much he was planning to leech off me. Sure enough, he smiled brightly and opened his mouth.

“Then eat with me.”

There were many juniors who asked me to buy them food, but most of them would come in a group to get a free meal. They usually disliked eating alone with a senior, and I wasn’t exactly a warm senior to my juniors. In the first place, it was extremely rare for me to eat with them, and usually, I would buy them what they wanted and then leave first.

“Did you get home safely last night?”

“Me? Well, my house is nearby.”

But Kim Dohyun was sitting with me at a Japanese restaurant without any awkwardness. It seemed he wasn’t uncomfortable with me being five years older and four academic years his senior. He was as audacious as Park Sungjae, telling me what he wanted to eat and dragging me to the restaurant.

“Didn’t your last bus leave?”

The menu Kim Dohyun chose was sushi. He ordered a sushi set, and I ordered a soba set, and we waited for the food to arrive. He calmly set up the water and chopsticks and nodded.

“My house is an ambiguous walking distance. About 15 minutes if I walk fast.”

“That’s really ambiguous.”

For that tall guy, 15 minutes wouldn’t be a very short distance. It was the most awkward distance to use public transportation when you overslept or were late.

“You didn’t abandon Park Sungjae and took him home safely, right?”

“I wanted to abandon him, but it was your request, sunbae, so I couldn’t bring myself to.”

“Park Sungjae would cry if he heard that.”

“Just kidding.”

It didn’t sound like a joke. I kept silent, not uttering the last part.

All the basic background questions I could ask were over. It wasn’t an interview, so I couldn’t ask about hobbies or strengths.

“Sunbae, what’s your next lecture?”

Kim Dohyun asked a question before the atmosphere became awkward. His curious eyes felt strangely burdensome.

“Mine’s Modern English Literature.”

“Professor Seo Yongjoon’s class?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

Was he really that curious about what lectures I was taking? It was a simple question, but his attitude since yesterday felt incredibly unsettling. Come to think of it, hadn’t he called me an Omega? I subtly leaned back, and Kim Dohyun smiled, his eyes crinkling.

“I heard that the professor is tough… Are you okay?”

“It’s fine if you attend regularly. The exams aren’t hard either.”

Was it just my imagination? I felt like I was detecting Alpha pheromones. Weaker than Choi Taegyeom’s, but strong enough for even a recessive person like me to feel its presence. Is he also dominant? Just as I thought that and was about to take a sip of water.

“I see.”