March Novel (Completed) - Chapter 69

Gi Taejeong was silent for a long time.

“…Just looking at the way you act, it’s really something.”

Then he stared at Sehwa’s hand resting on his belly and let out a long sigh through his nose. That was all.

Sehwa tightly pressed his pale, dry lips together. What about me? What about the way I act? He couldn’t ask the man directly, but his timid defiance became sharp thorns, pricking Sehwa’s heart.

In fact, considering Gi Taejeong’s usual manner of speech, his current reaction was rather gentle. He was someone who would wield the blade of his tongue without hesitation if things went wrong. Just seeing that he wasn’t getting angry and asking, ‘What did you just say, you insolent person?’ or even rarely making excuses like, ‘That’s not what I meant.’ It seemed he intended to just let it pass….

It was Sehwa who was over-interpreting it, thinking Gi Taejeong found his actions pathetic. He kept imbuing a few syllables with meaning, dwelling on how worthless he was to him, and then hurting alone. He had vowed not to do this anymore, but he kept doing it every time.

He had many questions he wanted to ask, many things he wanted to say. Just like he told him not to swear at the baby, he could have just asked, ‘What am I to you?’ But it wasn’t easy to take that one step, and he was afraid of hearing Gi Taejeong’s sharp words again, so he just simmered inside.

“First, sign this. Whether you curse at the child or not, whether you have the child or abort it… it’s something that needs to be done anyway.”

He pulled the tablet forward and touched the screen, and the document floated up.

Application for Pregnant Woman Guardian Registration.

The minor details seemed to have already been entered, as a message asking for his signature twinkled on the screen.

Gi Taejeong held the corner of the panel firmly so that Sehwa couldn’t push the tablet away. He kept it at a distance where he couldn’t help but see it, as if forcing him to accept it.

Sehwa swallowed a sigh and awkwardly adjusted his posture. He was too intimidated to get up and leave, and he couldn’t look him directly in the eye. He still sat on Gi Taejeong’s lap, slowly turning his back.

Why was he so obsessed with this guardian registration? He knew that after this period, he wouldn’t find any trace of Gi Taejeong in any document, but it wasn’t the same for him. As long as he was in the military, he would be the one whose mood was ruined by the permanently recorded information.

Moreover, Gi Taejeong was of a rank that could ignore all procedures. He hadn’t even asked for his ID when he accompanied him, so he could have just signed it arbitrarily and notified him. No, wouldn’t that be easier? But he didn’t understand why he had dragged him all the way to the government office and was urging him to personally review and sign the document.

Sehwa brought his index finger to the tablet screen, then stopped and clenched his fist again.

One last time… just one last time, he would ask.

Why did he want to put his name on his record so badly?

Why was he trying to take care of him like this, when he had never cared if he had morning sickness or if his body was worn out.

Why he was letting him misunderstand him now, even though he had said terrible things he didn’t even want to remember.

Why.

Why on earth?

“Aren’t you going to?”

“……”

“If you don’t, I’ll do it instead.”

Sehwa reached out his arm instead of answering. Following his clumsy movement, the soft knit fabric slid down his wrist. Sehwa, with a pale hand so tense that even the veins had hidden, barely wrapped it around the back of Gi Taejeong’s hand, which was holding the tablet.

“General.”

“…What kind of trick is this now?”

“I have something to ask.”

And as soon as he opened his mouth, he regretted it.

Was it really a good idea to bring this up when he didn’t even have the courage to look Gi Taejeong directly in the eye? Even if it was weak and pathetic, rebellion was rebellion. Once he started this, he wouldn’t be able to turn back.

“So….”

He felt like hyperventilating again, so he covered his mouth with his other hand and slowly caught his breath.

It was scary, but he couldn’t help it. He had opened his mouth, so… he would finish it.

The unknown questions that had been accumulating gradually solidified into a certain conviction during his time with him today. It had swelled too large to simply ignore, and it hurt too much to pretend not to ask… so he wanted to ask Gi Taejeong too. Did he think the same way he did?

“General, you….”

“Me what.”

“You… you, what do you think of me?”

Sehwa squeezed his eyes shut and blurted out the sentence that had been floating in his mind all along.

“…What?”

“You said it before, didn’t you? That if I didn’t listen, you’d throw me down in the middle of a gambling den and let customers bet on how many times I’d go through the back door.”

The back of the man’s hand, beneath his soft palm, instantly stiffened. His thighs, where he was sitting, his awkwardly embraced body… every part of him that was touching felt rigid, and his regular breathing abruptly stopped.

“You tried to break my ankle for being slow to respond when you called, and you asked why I called you General when I wasn’t even your subordinate… um, and….”

“……”

“And… you even threatened me fiercely, telling me not to harbor any feelings, whether fondness or pity, for a toy that was only briefly entertained….”

“…Lee Sehwa.”

“Yes, my name… you never called me that.”

At first, he asked if he’d ever put 200 million won into that hole. Nowadays, he doesn’t even mention bets or debts. Now, even Sehwa has forgotten to calculate.

Moreover, recently, when they were intimate, he would wait for him to respond, or try to induce him to, and…. He would constantly try to kiss him as if to confirm that it wasn’t sex bought with money. There were even times when they just hugged each other tightly and slept without any sexual contact.

“And you even earnestly explained that you didn’t know my constitution had changed. You even told me stories from your childhood, when you used to get annoyed even when I showed interest… if you go that far….”

“……”

Sehwa took a few deep breaths, then, supporting himself on his trembling knees, stood up. Then he awkwardly perched on the table. The distance was so close that it was rather fortunate. He didn’t have to make eye contact with him. He would regret it anyway. No matter what answer he received from Gi Taejeong, he would surely blame himself for being so foolish. He knew it, but he still wanted to do his best.

For himself, not for Gi Taejeong.

He wanted to make an excuse for himself, that he had at least tried this hard to show his sincerity, that he had gathered what little courage he had, even though he had lived like a mouse hiding his whole life.

So Sehwa squeezed his eyes shut and decided to take one more step forward.

“Besides, you keep acting like this, as if you absolutely can’t stand someone else being my guardian….”

“……”

“I keep, I keep misunderstanding you. That General….”

“……”

“Perhaps General no longer regards me as a hole or a cum dumpster….”

Each stammered syllable carried a fiercely boiling latent heat. He could feel the raw passion, even to his own ears, desperate to transform into something else.

Sehwa couldn’t overcome the emotions that surged over him and let out a small gasp.

Gi Taejeong’s face when he kissed him, twisting his wrist in the bunker, the sensation of his ligaments twisting, was still vivid. He hated his insensitivity, thinking that piling up expensive items like a tower would soothe his sadness, and when he said he would take full responsibility, it truly felt like his insides would burst.

It was clearly like that….

So he didn’t just dislike this man.

If asked if he liked him, he would probably say, ‘How could I harbor such beautiful feelings for a person like that?’ But if asked if he disliked him… he couldn’t readily answer that either.

Gi Taejeong was scary, but not scary.

He neither disliked nor liked him.

No, he disliked him… but he liked him.

He himself found it hard to comprehend the contradictory feelings that heated his insides. Sehwa just blinked his wet eyelashes aimlessly, then let out a small laugh.

In the 4th district, it snows even in March. It’s so cold that the skin chafes red, and heavy snow falls frequently like in midwinter. The morning streets, mixed with filth and melted snow, are dark gray. It was even more of a sight to behold when the thoughtless weeds that had briefly bloomed joined in. Dirty, muddy water soaked people’s ankles and clothes, making a mess. So customers would curse loudly and slam open the doors of the house.

There are such springs in the world. It’s not just beautiful seasons like this glass greenhouse.

Then couldn’t there be such messy emotions too?

“So what I want to say is, if you no longer think of me that way….”

“……”

“Then… me….”

“……”

“Could you call me by my name….”

Not ‘honey,’ ‘March Boy,’ ‘Sakura.’ Or ‘toy,’ ‘cum dumpster,’ ‘hole.’

“Like you call Second Lieutenant Park, Chief Warrant Officer Choi… just normally, Lee Sehwa, like that….”

He didn’t wish for any special meaning. He wasn’t asking for a meltingly gentle voice. It was enough for him to call his name as if calling an object placed anywhere. If only he would name him as a person existing as himself, not just a lump of flesh and blood in front of his eyes.

“Guardian registration… before that, I want to start over with you, General, from here….”

“……”

“Is this also me being presumptuous…? It… must be.”

And this was Sehwa’s limit. He wanted to finish it cleanly, but he could no longer pretend to be brave.

“……”

There was no reply from Gi Taejeong, so Sehwa… bowed his head deeply and blinked his eyes rapidly. Now harsh words would pour down like a bombardment, so he had to quickly shed the tears that kept welling up thoughtlessly.

Because they were so close, the water fell in round drops onto his pants instead of the floor, but it wasn’t the first or second time he had cried in front of him…. He had just spouted nonsense so well. Showing him crying wasn’t embarrassing anymore.

But….

“Lee Sehwa.”

Sehwa, who had been clearing away the water curtain that kept rising, barely managed to compose his body, creaking like an unlubricated robot.

“…General. Just now,”

“Lee Sehwa.”

“……”

“Like this?”

Gi Taejeong’s eyes stared directly at him, as if to dissect him. With a gaze so deep it was impossible to guess when he had started looking at him, and with a voice that seemed to be drawn from deep within.

“I asked you, if I should call you like this.”

He called… his name.

“…No, I don’t know. I’ve never consciously called someone by their name.”

“N-No…, that’s right.”

Sehwa pressed his watery eyes with his sleeve and barely nodded.

“That’s right, like that….”

An ordinary call, without affection or mockery. He wanted to be called that by someone he exchanged feelings with. He had longed for that feeling, curious about it, until this very day.

“Then now, since you gave me one….”

Sehwa, who had unexpectedly gotten what he wanted, gasped and spoke words he himself didn’t understand.

“Now, General, it’s your turn to, h-to take… usually, no, always, it was like that….”

He was already flustered, and tears kept breaking through, making everything he said a complete mess.

“Speak slowly, I’m not chasing you. I don’t understand anything you’re saying.”

“That’s… h-this time, don’t tell me to open my mouth, like that….”

He had had this kind of conversation with Gi Taejeong a few times before. Even though it was only a couple of times, fortunately, when the conversation ended well, he always demanded a kiss as a reward. To be precise, he commanded Sehwa to open his mouth obediently.

“Could you… ask if you can kiss me?”

This time, he had made a bigger negotiation than ever, so it was clearly going to go that way. Perhaps he would demand more than a kiss. So Sehwa decided to be a little more greedy. Even if he crossed the line here, he wouldn’t be able to refuse anyway, so if that was the case.

“Just today, just today….”

If he knew how much his name meant to him, could he please be a little more generous just for today?

“I won’t beg again….”

“Won’t beg again for what?”

Gi Taejeong chuckled as if he found it absurd.

“Anyway, you ask for a lot.”

Hmm. Sehwa, with a chin wrinkled from crying, tilted his head slightly. What did that mean? Was he reprimanding him for being too greedy, or was he saying he could beg for more if he wanted? He wasn’t sure.

“General….”

“Yes, Lee Sehwa.”

“……”

“Can I kiss you now?”

On a cold night in March when it snowed, in a shabby one-room lodging. At that time, Sehwa asked him not to call his name, and Gi Taejeong commanded him to open his mouth instead of answering.

And now, in a luxurious solarium bathed in sunlight. He asked Gi Taejeong if he could call him by his name normally, and Gi Taejeong asked for permission to kiss him instead of telling him to open his mouth.

Ah. Sehwa finally raised his hands and covered his face. Amidst the tangled emotions, he barely managed to pull out a thin thread of realization that he did seem to like this person. And he cried like a child.

He dreamed of being loved by an affectionate person. He wanted it to sparkle as freshly as the scene unfolding before his eyes now. But… if the maximum amount of affection a poor, uneducated, 2-won, 4-won life could have was this much. He wanted to grasp it, even if it was just like that.

“I, h-ugh, I don’t believe you, General… that you said such things without knowing my body changed, asking me to believe that….”

“……”

“But, even so, the words that you wouldn’t have held me carelessly if you had known my constitution changed, ugh, wouldn’t have held me, and that you hated the idea of a child… I don’t believe that either….”

It was exactly what Gi Taejeong had said before. He knew that liking such a person would only ruin his own life. He knew he was a fool for being swayed by such a person, but still…. Many things had changed since they first met, and now that person called his name normally, and even granted his small requests….

“I called your name, and you asked if I could kiss you, and I did, but you keep talking about other things.”

With the pouring sunlight behind him, the man rose like a giant tidal wave. The hand that cupped Sehwa’s cheek was neither rough nor careful. It was just ordinary. It was the usual warmth he had so desperately craved.

“You don’t even pretend to be scared anymore, do you?”

“That’s not….”

“Enough.”

“……”

“I understand everything, so….”

A shadow slowly fell over his wet face. The familiar scent of skin that had just allowed him to breathe roughly enveloped Sehwa’s body.

“So stop crying. Lee Sehwa.”

Sehwa blindly fumbled and placed his hand on the man’s angular shoulder. Even though it hurt and was sorrowful, it was the first season he had ever truly experienced in his life, so even a spring where the snow hadn’t melted was simply wonderful.