March Novel (Completed) - Chapter 127

Brigadier General. A raspy call, not a proper sound, scattered emptily in his mouth. Gi Taejeong, who couldn’t have been unaware of the sentiment, didn’t ask why he had called. Usually, he would have chided him for being frustrating… No, these days, he might have even brightened up, asking why he had called him first.

Every time he blinked, a different day with Gi Taejeong flashed by.

The warehouse where wastewater pooled, the office made with cheap furnishings, the Sector 1 shelter where he had run with him through the flames and the sports car they had flown in, the bunker without a single window, the kisses exchanged in his shabby lodging, Gi Taejeong’s vast black and white official residence, the glass greenhouse of the government building, a quiet afternoon when they picked apples together, the majestic hospital built like a temple and the cold floor of the Ministry of National Defense building, the musty smell of mold in the container where he curled up, the old inn room in Sector 2, the oil-stained beach of Sector 2 and the blindingly white lights that bleached the world, and…

At each of those moments, the man’s voice calling him piled up like layers of a tower. As time passed, his overbearing tone gradually softened. Why did he speak like that? Over the vulgar teasing that had brought tears to his eyes in frustration, something warm gradually began to well up. By the end, it was so hot it felt like it would burn, impossible to ignore.

Sehwa closed and opened his eyes deeply to shake off the lingering afterimages. Standing before him was still that man, Gi Taejeong.

He, who hadn’t flinched even after drinking strong poison, now looked like someone who had died and come back to life several times. His pale eyes, his sharply chiseled jawline… At some point, the man’s dark gaze, which now called him “Lee Sehwa” instead of “darling,” painfully tore at Sehwa’s insides.

Gi Taejeong’s hand touched his forehead, then his temples, his cheeks, and finally his chin before falling away. The scent of cigarettes, which had enveloped his body like armor, was now nowhere to be found.

“……”

Gi Taejeong wanted to say one more word to Sehwa, continuously rummaging through the layered sentences within him. But no matter how much he chose and re-chose, after stripping away all the shabby modifiers clinging to them, only that one word, “I’m sorry,” remained.

He had lied to Sehwa again. He would often appear on the news? That was impossible. His name would only be broadcast in the media when news of an invasion, a breach in the nation’s airspace, was announced. Perhaps a brief obituary might be reported if he suffered an unfortunate accident… but realistically, both were impossible, so Sehwa would not be upset by his face appearing unexpectedly in any way.

But if he said he was returning to the battlefield, and that he was going to choose only very dangerous places, Lee Sehwa would surely cry. He had just started to stand up to him, refuse him, and voice his opinions in his own way… He didn’t want to make it so he couldn’t even hate him to his heart’s content. So he had to act as casually as possible, as if it were nothing.

A sandy breeze rustled over Sehwa’s shoes, which should have been given to him much earlier. Gi Taejeong bent down again and shielded them with his hand. Standing with his back to the sea, he tried his best to prevent anything from settling on the feet of the precious person who would soon depart.

On the day they first met, Sehwa had splashed through a dirty puddle and was slightly cowering, as if he had noticed something. At that time, instead of asking if he was okay, he had mocked him, asking if he was that famous flower, so now, as he left, he wanted to prevent even the sand of the beach from touching his feet. He wanted him to know that he cherished him very much now…

A part of the firewood pile, beginning to wear down at the ends, rattled and collapsed. As if that sound were a signal, a faint engine noise, cutting through the silence, was heard from afar. Captain Oh Seonran seemed to have arrived.

“Forget all the terrible things I said… and live well.”

“……”

“Happily, with the child.”

It wasn’t raining, but round droplets of water fell with a patter onto Gi Taejeong’s crown, onto the tip of Sehwa’s new shoes, and onto the white sand. Gi Taejeong stubbornly stroked Sehwa’s new shoes, pretending not to notice.

The roar grew too loud to ignore. Gi Taejeong finally raised his head, as if he had made up his mind.

Sehwa’s slender neck, hanging down, trembled slightly.

The sorrowful face of the person he loved, stained with various emotions, a face he had ruined.

“Don’t hurt anymore.”

Gi Taejeong forced a faint smile, even though he knew his vision was blurred with tears and he wouldn’t be able to see him properly. He wanted to be remembered in this way, not as the demon who had hurled harsh words and put a leash on him.

The car door opened, and the sound of military boots scraping the ground in formation was heard.

It was truly the end. Gi Taejeong released his hand from Sehwa’s shoes and slowly stood up.

…Actually, instead of saying “I’m sorry,” or “be happy,” or “don’t hurt anymore,”

He wanted to say, “I love you.”

“Sehwa, I love you.”

He wanted to say that.

“So, they took out everything that was sealed in Z2 and started analyzing the components, and Lieutenant Kim, no, that bastard Kim Seokcheol, he struggled so much…”

Captain Oh Seonran’s voice was utterly cheerful. It wasn’t because he was truly excited, but because he was trying to sound bright for her sake, who still had tears in her eyes.

“Oh, Sehwa. You even sprayed tanning spray on your face and went through checkpoints, didn’t you?”

“…Ah, yes.”

“That spray also came out as evidence, and during the inspection process, they found a list of high-ranking officials who secretly entered and exited the city using this method! We decided to arrest them all. It’ll probably just be a light fine, but it’s not just anyone, it’s Ki…”

Captain Oh Seonran, who was about to accidentally utter Gi Taejeong’s name, paused and cleared his throat softly.

“Ahem, anyway… they’re guys who’ve never been caught by anyone before, so seeing them rage was quite a sight.”

The massive car smoothly slid out of the port. The familiar streets of the 5-star zone glowed brightly in the distance.

Captain Oh Seonran’s car was larger than Gi Taejeong’s. The license plate color was slightly different, and the decorations scattered here and there were much more elaborate. The engine sound outside was tremendous, but it was quiet inside, just like Gi Taejeong’s car…

Ah, he said he wasn’t a brigadier general anymore, but a major general? How high a rank was that, and how important a position?

Sehwa awkwardly placed the shiny, polished bag on his lap and stared blankly out the window. He said major general, then lieutenant general, and then general… If so, this car he was riding in now might also be one of the things Gi Taejeong had so desperately desired.

“Want some water?”

“…Yes, thank you.”

As he moistened his dry lips, tears, which he thought had dried up, unexpectedly fell. It seemed all the moisture in his body was being used for crying.

Even though he was dressed comically in a patient gown and new shoes that didn’t match, Captain Oh Seonran said nothing. What he had discussed with Gi Taejeong, what they had decided to do in the future… Captain Oh Seonran asked nothing. He didn’t even let out a light sigh, simply handing him a handkerchief.

Only when his violent sobs subsided did Captain Oh Seonran begin to ramble on about the aftermath of the trial. Telling him to listen comfortably, as if it were background music.

Hearing lighthearted and amusing anecdotes about how the villains who had brought up him and the baby were in great trouble, and how one excited old man, eager to grab a share, even threw off his wig… he felt a little calmer.

Sehwa pressed his eyes with the sleeve of his cardigan, thinking about an unfamiliar loss. Anyone would cry like this when they hear the word “end,” right? So this must be… a reflexive, habitual tear, right? Not because he had any lingering feelings for Gi Taejeong…

“You probably can’t believe what’s happening. I feel the same way right now.”

Captain Oh Seonran, judging that Sehwa had calmed down a little, finally spoke his thoughts in a gentle voice.

“For a very long time, I had only one goal. To find Jinwoo’s child, you… My life was solely about that.”

“……”

“You know well that I acted blindly, determined to succeed no matter what… but truthfully, deep down, I had already resigned myself to failure. There were no remaining clues, and over 20 years had passed… Yet, I continued to search for brokers and wander abroad. Because…”

“……”

“Because without that, if I didn’t do that, my life would have no meaning.”

Captain Oh Seonran shook his head, saying he had been completely blind.

“But miraculously, I found you. I still wake up at night and think for a long, long time. That day 21 years ago was so vivid, Jinwoo’s face crying as he thought of you still flickers before my eyes… I can hardly believe that I met you safely…”

“……”

“But you know, even amidst the joy, I suddenly felt anxious about what would come next. I had vaguely vowed that if I found Jinwoo’s child, I would help him live well for Jinwoo’s sake, but I had never made a concrete plan of how to do it…”

Captain Oh Seonran faintly pulled up the corners of his mouth, saying he had never imagined he would actually find him, or that a day would come when he would smile again like this.

“I think you, Sehwa, feel similarly.”

“……”

“Just as long as I searched for you, you must have also lived desperately wishing for something. To pay off all your debts and go to the 1-star zone, or… um, to be loved by Brigadier General Gi Taejeong, or to protect your child… things like that. Of course, there must have been many small wishes that I can’t even imagine…”

“……”

“Some came true, and some remained forever out of reach. While I’m unspeakably happy to have found you, sadly, just as there’s a past that you can never fill, emotions aren’t like bartering; gaining something doesn’t fill the empty space.”

Captain Oh Seonran’s voice, as he murmured, subtly lowering his eyes, was filled with loneliness.

“Still… what can we do? We have to live.”

“……”

“I’m going to think about it slowly. What efforts I need to make to become a true family with you, not just a foster father and son, and now that I have to come back to the country, what duties I can perform here and how I can maintain my position to strengthen this newly built fence, and having finally achieved my long-cherished wish… in what direction should I move forward…”

“……”

“And I hope, Sehwa, you also think about these things.”

Captain Oh Seonran leaned over and gently patted Sehwa’s trembling hand.

“Whether you liked him or disliked him, your heart must have been completely filled with feelings for him… so it’s natural to cry and feel empty when that suddenly disappears. There’s no need to force yourself to fill that space. You don’t have to.”

Instead of sad wishes like paying off an absurd amount of debt or wanting to be a human instead of a lower-class person. He could spend his days thinking about trivial things like what he wanted to eat today, or if he didn’t want to do anything, just sleep soundly, or even take a spontaneous trip… Captain Oh Seonran comforted him, saying that such days would come again. It was perhaps a comfort he offered to himself more than to Sehwa.

“I heard your symbol in the House was March… Is that right?”

Sehwa’s throat felt raw, as if he had swallowed glass shards, and he could only manage a heavy nod.

“When my adjutant first reported it, I thought March was the coolest card.”

He unconsciously let out a self-deprecating sigh. He hadn’t wished for such grand comfort. March was merely a fingernail-sized flower petal that could be called Sakura, Hongdan, Samwol… whatever. It was the most pathetic Hwatu card, completely unfitting for the name Sehwa, which had been given with the blessing to grow into a strong flower.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to… go that far…”

“I mean it. I don’t know much about Hwatu, but it seems only March has a curtain, doesn’t it?”

That was true. Other months always had animals or people drawn on them, but March had nothing. Only a black canopy was loosely draped behind the profusely blooming flowers. March was a lonely card where not even a shadow of a living thing could be found.

“Not knowing what’s beyond the curtain means there’s a possibility of becoming anything, doesn’t it? Only March was like that, so I thought, ‘Indeed, Jinwoo’s son,’ no, ‘our son.’”

It was an overly generous interpretation. He was grateful to Captain Oh Seonran for giving such a wonderful meaning to his derogatory term, and… absurdly, tears streamed down his face again, but for a different reason than before. He didn’t understand himself for constantly crying, and he was tired of it… but his tear ducts wouldn’t stop, as if they were broken.

“Sehwa, let’s live.”

Captain Oh Seonran pleaded earnestly, his voice aching to the listener’s core.

“Don’t try to be okay, and there’s no need to erase those traces… just let’s live well again.”

“……, …Yes.”

Sehwa’s blank nod grew larger and larger.

Captain Oh Seonran was right. This place would forever belong to Gi Taejeong. No matter how his feelings for him had changed, and even if they could no longer be together, this empty space could not be filled by anyone else. Even if Haerim was infinitely precious and Captain Oh Seonran was tearfully grateful, this was not something they could fill.

Since he couldn’t turn back time, there was no choice but to stand up on his own. He would probably have to live with a hole in his heart for a very long time, but at least he would try to wash away the black ashes that had settled deep inside.

Now that he had Haerim, and even if he wasn’t, he wanted the baby to be happy…

Yes, let’s live.

“I’ll also keep… thinking about it, from now on… how to…”

“……”

“How to live well, I still don’t quite know…”

Anyway, with time, everything would be dull. If he endured, things would somehow flow. So…

Sehwa took a few deep breaths, then finally crumpled his upper body.

He wanted to get away from Gi Taejeong. Saying he wanted all parental rights transferred wasn’t just talk. It was all sincere.

He didn’t believe a word of “I’ll fix it,” or “I’ll change.” From the day he decided to deceive him and run away, their relationship was as good as over.

It was already… a finished relationship.

From the surface of the bag at the tip of his nose, Gi Taejeong’s faint perfume scent wafted. Taking a deep breath of the lingering scent that would soon disappear, Sehwa decided to cry only until today.