Lick Me Up If You Can Novel (Completed) - Chapter 112

“…Huh?”

He couldn’t easily understand what he was saying. Ashley’s face contorted at Koi’s bewildered expression. Seeing his face, which seemed both laughing and crying, Koi slowly accepted the reality.

“What… did you just say?”

He barely managed to speak, but the sentence didn’t connect properly. Ashley just listened to his fragmented questions. But that silence felt even more terrifying to Koi.

Ash presented.

Koi’s reason reminded him of reality so he wouldn’t get hurt. I’m just a Beta.

Ash is an Alpha, so he’s different from an ordinary Beta. There must have been a reason. Right, that must be it. I don’t even know much about what an Alpha is. And Ash is a true Alpha, so he’s far from a normal Alpha. There must have been, there definitely must have been something that made it unavoidable. …But.

I waited.

Emotions welled up, pushing past his reason that kept trying to rationalize. He said he liked me, and I waited so hard only for Ash.

How could you do that with someone else when I was waiting for you?

If only he had called, if he had, if I had known, no, from the beginning.

“Why are you telling me this…?”

Finally, the repressed resentment burst out. Koi lowered his head, tears welling up. Large drops of tears fell. It would have been better if he hadn’t known. Why was Ash telling him this?

“Koi.”

Ashley called his name. Koi looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears. When he blinked hastily, thick streams of tears flowed down his cheeks. Ashley’s pale face came into his blurred vision again.

“No, it’s a lie.”

Koi just stared blankly at him. Ashley gave a strained smile.

“It was a joke.”

Koi blinked, half in doubt, half believing. He couldn’t gauge his true feelings. Ashley erased his forced smile, looked at him with a serious face, and said once more.

“It’s true, I didn’t do anything like that with anyone else. I only have you.”

As Ashley reaffirmed, the filthy scene he had witnessed repeatedly unfolded before his eyes. Naked people were entangled, groaning in a vast hall. Alcohol and drugs overflowed, and people explored each other in various positions, filling every corner. Groans and screams echoed in his ears, and bizarre laughter filled his head.

<You need to get rid of the pheromones.>

When his father’s face, whispering to him, came to mind, Ashley came to his senses. The surroundings instantly became quiet. As the presence before him came into view, his anxiety vanished in an instant, replaced by a sense of calm.

“I told you, I love you.”

When he said it again, Koi finally took a trembling breath and then burst into tears again.

“Why would you joke like that…?”

“I’m sorry.”

Ashley hugged Koi tightly, who had begun to sob.

“It’s my fault, don’t cry.”

Ashley apologized sincerely. The sensation of Koi’s tears soaking his thin T-shirt in his arms spread a mix of pity and relief.

Thank goodness.

A trembling sigh escaped him unconsciously. It was good that he endured to the end. If he had given in, and thus betrayed Koi.

How much would I have hurt Koi?

The months that felt like torture seemed to be partially compensated. Joy and relief found him for a moment, but it was truly ‘only for a moment.’

Why did I even say such a thing in the first place?

He had to admit that he had tested Koi. What if Koi had said it was okay instead of being so heartbroken? Would I have been angry, asking how he could do that? Or would I have…

…felt relieved?

His arm, which had been constantly injected to forcefully remove pheromones, tingled. He knew there was an easier way. If Koi had said it was okay, he might have run straight to the party. The pain was that great, and the temptation was that strong.

But Ashley chose to endure again and again. Just as he had refused to give in for the past few months, even overcoming several near-death experiences.

Yet, there was only one reason he lied to Koi like this.

To give himself absolution when he could no longer endure and collapsed.

Because Koi said it was okay, it was okay.

But Koi burst into tears instead of saying that, and that reassured Ashley.

Thank goodness.

Ashley thought again. If Koi had really said that, I would definitely have been angry. I wanted to confirm the value of that suffering, even if it meant making Koi cry like this.

It was good that I endured.

He exhaled a trembling breath and hugged Koi even tighter. When Koi, who had been sniffling, hesitantly hugged him back, his chest tightened.

There’s no way he’d say he wants to break up.

If Koi knew how hard he had endured just to meet him again, he would never say such a thing. But Ashley decided not to tell Koi anything. Koi, who couldn’t even dream that such a world existed, would be greatly shocked, and the aftermath was hard to imagine.

Ashley knew. Though he tried to deny it, in fact, he, too, was no different from those who were wallowing in chaos at that party. From the day he presented, Ashley had fallen into hell and would not escape until he died.

One step, no, even half a step astray, and he would be irreversibly lost forever. He would be tormented by that temptation his whole life. As long as Koi didn’t present, it would continue.

Can I continue to like Koi, being like this?

A chilling fear ran through his heart.

If Koi knew my true self, he would lose all affection for me. He would abandon me. Could I endure that?

A shiver ran down his spine, and a forgotten memory suddenly resurfaced. Why he had come to fear that man so much.

As a child, he had defied his father only once. He had merely tried to grant ‘Ashley’s’ wish.

Let me die.

He was so pitiful that he couldn’t help but grant it. The sensation of choking ‘Ashley’ while trembling with fear was still vivid. Of course, he failed, and the price was enormous.

<How dare you lay a hand on ‘my thing’.>

Moreover, he had even tried to destroy ‘his thing’. Ashley was confined to a small room for three days, where not even a pinprick of light entered. He didn’t know what ‘Ashley’ had endured during that time. But when he saw him again, ‘Ashley’ had lost even the will to die.

I won’t lose.

He would never end up like ‘Ashley’. He gritted his teeth and repeatedly told himself. I’m different from that man too.

I will never become like that.