In This Life I Will Be The Lord Novel - Side Story, Chapter 38

“Mother’s… diary?”
My mind went blank.
Mother’s diary.
I had never imagined she would leave such a thing behind.
“It’s really her. Her name is engraved on it.”
The name ‘Shan’ was etched on the corner of the brown leather cover.
Unconsciously, I ran my finger over the name and asked Perez, “Where did you get this diary, Perez?”
“Ah, well.”
Perez seemed to decide that showing me directly would be faster than explaining something, so he went back into the bedroom.
And when he returned, he was carrying a large wooden box.
Perez set the box down in front of me, who was still looking at him with curious eyes, and opened the lid.
Inside, notes similar to my mother’s diary were packed tightly.
“These are Sir Galahan’s, no, Father’s childcare diaries.”
“A-all of these are childcare diaries?”
At a glance, there were easily more than ten volumes.
No, perhaps even twenty.
“Father wrote childcare diaries.”
It was a fact I learned for the first time, but at the same time, it was also very much like my father.
He was someone who loved to record everything and make books.
Did he sit alone at night, opening his diary while raising me?
“I once had the same worries as Tia. Whether I could be a good father. These are what Father gave me then.”
“I see…”
To think Perez had such a period.
I had no idea.
He must have felt bad.
I felt sorry that I hadn’t known, even though I was right beside him.
As if he understood all my feelings, Perez wiped away the remaining tears from my eyes and smiled.
“But Lady Shan’s diary was mixed in there.”
“Did Father put it in there on purpose?”
“I asked him, and he said he didn’t know. He said the covers of the notebooks were similar, so they must have been stored together.”
“I see.”
I stroked my mother’s diary in my hand once more.
To think that this diary coming into my hands might all be a product of coincidence.
It felt a little strange and peculiar.
But then.
“This… it’s sealed with wax?”
Unlike Father’s diaries, which anyone could read, Mother’s diary was firmly sealed with a string and red wax.
That meant.
“No one… has seen it.”
“It seems so.”
Perez nodded.
“I found it a few days ago and thought about it for a moment, but I felt it was right for Tia to read Lady Shan’s diary first.”
“Thank you, Perez.”
Although I said that, I hesitated to break the seal.
My meeting with Father, my birth, my regression, and even Bomnia.
I had faced countless events in my life that Mother had intended, but I knew very little about Shan herself.
I remembered asking Father a few times about Mother when I was very young.
But after I grew a little older, I stopped asking.
Because Father’s face always looked so sad then.
So, in a way, this diary could be said to be my first encounter with my mother, Shan.
My hesitation didn’t last long.
I glanced at Perez, who was sitting beside me, and then broke the red wax seal.
***
「 Imperial Year 225, July 28
As soon as the doctor left, I picked up my pen.
I’m pregnant!
It’s the fruit of mine and Gally’s love.
As soon as he heard the news of my pregnancy, Gally started crying.
I can still hear him sniffling outside the bedroom.
My lovely Gally.
The doctor advised that it’s still early and unstable, but I know.
This child is that child.
Hello. It’s truly a pleasure to meet you. 」
…
「 Imperial Year 225, August 9
I couldn’t go out to tend the garden today.
The morning sickness is so severe that I can’t move at all.
In the end, I asked Gally to water the garden.
He’s good with his hands but not very skilled at physical labor, so I’m worried he’ll get his clothes covered in dirt again while watering.
The room is warm, so I’m writing in my diary with the window open.
According to the doctor, the baby will be born in spring.
That was fortunate.
Winter is too cold, summer is too hot, and autumn is too lonely.
Let’s meet on a good day. 」
…
「 Imperial Year 225, August 15
Since yesterday, Gally suddenly started gagging at the sight of food.
Surprised, I called the doctor, and he said it was sympathetic morning sickness.
What should I do, I feel so sorry.
But the meat pie is incredibly delicious. 」
…
「 Imperial Year 225, August 25
Today, someone sent by Gally’s father, Sir Rulac, visited.
I don’t know how he heard about the pregnancy, but he brought medicine good for a pregnant woman’s health and a lot of money.
When I asked if we should write a thank-you letter, Gally refused.
He said he wouldn’t interact with them until they acknowledged me as a Lombardi, and that he would return all the medicine and money tomorrow.
It pains me that Gally is drifting apart from his family because of me. 」
…
「 Imperial Year 225, September 1
I had a dream today.
In the dream, the child was crying.
Unable to even make a proper sound, all alone and sorrowfully.
For some reason, Gally, who should have been there to comfort the child, was nowhere to be seen.
Why did Gally leave the child crying alone?
Anger surged to my head over something that hadn’t even happened yet.
Irresponsible Gally.
How could you leave the child alone. 」
…
「 Imperial Year October 10
I’m the irresponsible one.
From the day I left the tribe to the day I became pregnant.
I made irresponsible choices.
Even though I can’t be by my child’s side.
I’m scared.
I thought I had been making decisions for everyone’s sake all this time.
What if all of it was actually selfish, for my own sake?
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry, my baby. 」

“Mother was scared too.”
The part where she wrote “I’m sorry” was blurred with tears.
“Mother was scared too.”
And that, paradoxically, calmed my own fears.
My mother, Shan, was the strongest person I knew.
Even knowing her own death, she left her tribe, came to Lombardi, met Father, and gave birth to me.
But even such a mother was scared and sorry when she was carrying me.
Just like me now.
Rustle.
I no longer turned the pages of the diary, estimating the remaining pages.
Mother had passed away less than a year after giving birth to me.
And considering the remaining volume, this was probably Mother’s last diary.
“I’ll read it little by little every day.”
I said, closing Mother’s diary.
“Then it feels like I’ll gain strength, as if we’re overcoming it together.”
Of course, it would have been wonderful if Mother were still alive and by my side.
But the diary is good too.
Most of all, I’ll be able to know Mother’s honest feelings during experiences similar to mine.
“Thank you, Perez.”
Saying that, I briefly kissed his cheek.
My heart felt reassured.
My mind, which had been as chaotic as muddy water, settled down calmly.
I have Perez, my family, and Mother’s diary.
“I feel like I can get through anything.”
Perez smiled, looking at my face, where the tears had long dried.
“I’ll help you, Tia.”
“Yes. I said something wrong and worried for nothing… Ugh!”
“Tia!”
I clutched my stomach and hunched over.
What was that just now?
“Tia, are you okay? Should I call Dr. Estira…”
“N-no. It doesn’t… seem to hurt.”
“What do you mean? You just grabbed your stomach…”
“Just wait a moment, Perez.”
I calmed Perez down and held my breath.
Then I slowly rubbed the part where I had felt a strange sensation a moment ago.
“Here, it felt like it was around here.”
But it was quiet.
Was I wrong?
Had I imagined it?
It was around that time.
Tap, tap.
I felt a slightly larger bubble burst inside my stomach.
“Wow…”
This was it.
This was it.
“It’s the quickening, Perez.”
“…What?”
I quickly grabbed Perez’s hand and placed it firmly on my stomach.
“Here, feel carefully.”
What if it stopped?
But that worry lasted only a moment, as a slightly larger movement was felt from within.
Thump, thump-thump.
Estira had given me a heads-up.
She said I would feel the quickening soon.
But I had never imagined it would feel like this.
“Ah…”
Perez’s hand twitched once.
He seemed to have frozen, his eyes wide open, as if he had forgotten to breathe in his surprise.