Eighteen’s Bed Novel Completed - Chapter 88

I proudly raised my head and walked energetically. Right, Kang Jun. Now you have to walk the path of becoming an adult. Before me is the Suneung, and choice and focus. Go Yohan is a subject to be abandoned. There’s no need to cling to him. Right. For my future. For my righteous life, I must abandon him.

My vigorous hand opened the classroom door with a whoosh. The low voice of the ongoing class stopped, and eyes that had seen a little more time than mine looked at me.

“You brat, where have you been, coming only now?”

“I’m sorry. The homeroom teacher asked me to go to the computer lab.”

“Homeroom teacher? Really?”

“Yes.”

A suspicious gaze swept over my body and was quickly withdrawn.

“Alright, well, Jun wouldn’t lie. Go sit down.”

“Yes, I’m sorry for being late.”

I subtly bowed my head and then raised it again. And naturally, my body, uncontrollably, lifted its gaze towards Go Yohan. It was a purely instinctive act. Everyone turns their gaze towards what they like. And only after meeting those melancholic eyes did I realize my arrogance.

‘There are two types of choice and focus. Either you delve madly into the subjects you’re good at, or you concentrate on and solve the subjects you’re bad at.’

My tutor’s words flashed quickly through my mind.

‘But Jun, you tend to obsess over making what you’re bad at better. It’s just a waste of time.’

“…”

Slowly, my eyelids lowered, facing the floor. My gaze returned to my feet. My steps slowed again. Damn it. And I also realized that I was always a coward who had to find another love to escape from one. My frustration flowed like a valley. That frustration passed through the cracks of the rock that was my true feelings and became a vast ocean.

“This problem… Go Yohan, solve it.”

“Yes.”

Go Yohan. My hand, which had clumsily held the mechanical pencil, trembled slightly. What could I do, trembling at just that name? Forget Go Yohan? What a ridiculous notion. So, how would I forget him? What would I do to separate myself from this Go Yohan who keeps repeating these strange actions? A bastard with no plan, just flapping his mouth…

Every time Go Yohan moved, my fingertips trembled. Finally, when Go Yohan passed by me, emitting a faint scent of soap, I felt my heart drop to the floor.

Clack, clack, the sound of chalk scraping the blackboard.

I looked at Go Yohan’s back with a slightly blurry gaze. Broad, wide shoulders and a small head.

Then, naturally, Go Yohan’s father came to mind. A tall physique, a long coat, leather gloves… A gentle yet forceful voice, a refined way of speaking even when occasionally violent, and a unique sense of leisure. Go Yohan would grow up to be such a man. Go Yohan’s large hand, with blue veins showing, drew a white line.

“Oh—! Good. Yohan, you’re quite good these days.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and thought of others. I had no excuse if someone said I was codependent. It was my first love, and I never dreamed I’d live a life loving a man. I found a shelter, a place to escape to. Just as I had sought Go Yohan to avoid Han Junwoo.

I turned my eyes to the sound of the chalk. So what should I do? To find my path? Then I have to stop loving first. Your method was wrong from the beginning.

Right, I’ve always been like this. Always taking the wrong path. So I shouldn’t have been greedy from the start. My thoughts race hundreds of times a day. And I meet my imagined self and my real self hundreds of times a day. Just now, my real self beat my imagined self to death.

“…”

I desperately turned my eyes and focused on a corner. Choice and focus. Right, I need to choose and focus. And if I can find the easiest path for me, it would naturally be, as always, the only shortcut I know.

“I’ve finished solving them all.”

“Let’s see. Oh, correct. This one’s correct too.”

My gaze went to the light brown head. Yankee, Shin Jaehyun. He’s tall, his face is decent enough, his grades are naturally better than Go Yohan’s, and his family must be well-off if he even studied abroad. I hate that my mind works this way. But I had to. Because it was for finding my ideal.

“This one’s correct too. Wow, Go Yohan, you brat.”

I forced myself to think. Right, it’s Shin Jaehyun. Isn’t Shin Jaehyun good enough? If I’m an idiot who can’t end a love without a bait, then let’s go for it. Without Go Yohan noticing. Secretly. Don’t stop the carrot, find a new path. And then, after graduation, abandon Go Yohan.

“Did you study ahead?”

“No?”

Go Yohan’s arrogant voice interrupted me. I tried hard to keep my gaze on Shin Jaehyun’s brown head. Ah, no. No feelings are stirring. Hope crumbles.

No. I gripped the pen in my hand with a desperate heart. Let’s try to love Shin Jaehyun no matter what. I can do it. I did it even with Han Junwoo, whom I liked even more madly. Let’s do that foolish unrequited love thing again. And then abandon everything. I feel like I could get tired of Shin Jaehyun quickly anyway. You always thought love was useless in your life anyway. No matter how much you like Go Yohan, it’s not enough to stake your life on.

“Really? Well, your grades have been dropping a bit, so it’s better to work harder.”

“…Ah, yes.”

I heard Go Yohan’s overtly annoyed voice. As Go Yohan’s footsteps moved, I quickly turned my head and buried it on my desk. Let’s think about reality, Kang Jun. Let’s stick to your original plan. As I was thinking that, a white hand invaded my vision. Two slender fingers lightly dropped a white note onto my desk.

The paper was crumpled, just like Go Yohan’s habit.

If I don’t read this, he’ll cause trouble again, won’t he? My deliberation was short. I didn’t want any future repercussions. So I had to look. My decision was also short. I unfolded the note with trembling hands. My chest ached, piercing my heart.

<Can I come over to your house today?>

Go Yohan has bad handwriting. But this was written with so much force that the tip of the ink turned black. As if it were a script written with all his might to make it pretty. Even each letter had a different color. It was a note decorated with a clumsy aesthetic sense. There was even a strange flower drawn at the end.

“…”

I crumpled the note in a hurry, feeling as if something had hammered my chest. Then I raised my head again and forced myself to look at Shin Jaehyun’s back. Shin Jaehyun, feeling my gaze, frowned and turned around. Well, I didn’t avoid it. I just met his eyes. I narrowed my eyes and smiled, as I always did.

I wasn’t scared, and my heart wasn’t pounding. That’s good enough.

Good. Let’s like Shin Jaehyun. As always, let’s have a one-sided crush and then abandon him alone. Let’s do the same with Go Yohan. I decided to start today. It seems Go Yohan is not helpful in my life. He’s like a rusty nail deeply embedded in a concrete wall.

Unaware that the paper trapped in my palm was getting soaked, I made a resolution.

Maintain the current situation, but try to love Shin Jaehyun. As always, let’s use people. I’m best at deceiving people. That was one thing Go Yohan couldn’t beat me at. My lies were never as impulsive as Go Yohan’s; they were long-term and realistic.

The sweetest carrot I could offer Go Yohan was a reply to his note. Even better if it was positive. No, it had to be positive. For my smooth sailing. Especially if it was for my social standing, I couldn’t miss it. Sometimes I might wonder why I’m so obsessed with a voyage that will end once I get into college, but I can’t help it.

Honestly, I’m scared. Hundreds of dead fish eyes looking down on me are disgusting. I hate the atmosphere of being excluded from every group. The subtle disregard I feel every time I pass the central staircase still gnaws at my mind.

Regardless of my splendid reinstatement, Kang Jun had still been reduced to ‘the kid who almost died messing with Go Yohan.’

Ironically, the achievement that protected me was Hong Hwijun. The bastard who broke Hong Hwijun’s nose. Still, Hong Hwijun was proof that Kang Jun wasn’t just a bookworm. Even amidst that, there was still scrutiny. I wasn’t just the kid who subdued Hong Hwijun; I had become an idiot who tattled to his mom to drive out evil. My achievement was dirtied by my wealth.

I poked the back of my hand, resting on the desk, with the capped end of a pen. More precisely, I pressed on the thin skin between my index finger and thumb. It would hurt more if I pressed with a sharp tip, but I didn’t commit such a foolish act that would reveal I had abused myself.

“…”

I pressed deeper, deeper into the flesh. The tender skin rolled into the tip of the pen. The wrinkles of my skin violently split apart. When the pain felt stronger than the throbbing in my lower abdomen, I twisted the pen once more with a strong press, then lifted it off.

“It hurts.”

Only a reddish mark remained in the center of the smoothed skin. After staring intently at that mark, what I did was uncap the pen that had abused me. Pop, a clear sound that didn’t match the weapon that had left a bluish mark on the back of my hand.

A scratching sound flowed through the quiet air. By now, the class was solving the five problems the teacher had given them. The school had long since abandoned textbooks. Anyway, who in this class doesn’t know the textbook content? With those words, the teacher said, ‘Buy the XX publishing company’s problem book.’ That’s the book on my desk. This book, made by a private publisher, not one distributed nationwide, was our school’s textbook. I picked up the edge of the fake textbook and carefully tore it off. I hesitated a little, then pressed the pen tip firmly onto the torn paper.

<Yes, come.>

After lifting the pen tip, I thought. Is this really okay? But it was unavoidable. If everything could be avoided just by wanting to, then it wouldn’t be Go Yohan. The reason he sent this note today was clear. Go Yohan knew. He knew I only had home tutoring today.

While the teacher was hunched over the desk, fiddling with the laptop he brought, I turned my body and handed the crumpled paper to the kid behind me. I, being of average height, sat in the middle of the classroom, and Go Yohan, the tallest in the school, sat at the very back. So, there was no other way to send the note. The kid sitting behind me looked at me with a puzzled expression, and I quietly mouthed the words.

“Give it to Go Yohan.”

Then, I returned to my original posture and subtly glanced at the back of my new refuge. The problems the teacher gave were no longer my homework. During the time I was rolling around under hundreds of dirty slippers, all I could do was bury my head in problem books.

My problem books were already stained with pencil marks. While some kids wrestled with problems, and some, like me, had already finished their advance study and were tackling other problems, I was absurdly thinking thoughts a teenage girl might have, looking at the back of someone I didn’t even like.

What’s his phone number?

During cleaning time, there’s an undesirable element. And that is Go Yohan.

I should have known from the moment we assigned cleaning areas. He volunteered to clean the windows, which no one wanted to do, and the conclusion was that he was slacking off. Anyway, I’ve never seen Go Yohan properly clean. I was sweeping the floor with a broom, trying to ignore his behavior, but then I recalled my past self and snapped out of it.

“Hey, Go Yohan.”

I spoke with as much kindness as possible, but just enough not to be suspicious.

“If you’re not going to do anything, why did you ask to be assigned a cleaning area?”

“What? Why?”

“You said you’d clean the windows. But why are you just sitting there and not cleaning them?”

“Oh, this?”

Go Yohan was truly just sitting on the windowsill, dangling his legs, observing the entire classroom. It seemed the other kids didn’t bother him unless he was disrupting their studies, so they just glanced at him and went about their business. Somehow, I ended up taking the lead. It wasn’t a strange situation since I was originally the one targeting Go Yohan. However, it was an awkward situation due to the previous incident. Surely the other kids would find our conversation strange too.

At my words, Go Yohan grinned, pointed at the sun once, tapped the slightly water-stained window, and continued.

“Can’t you tell?”

“What?”

“Don’t you, the top student in the school, know common sense? It’s sanitizing. Sanitizing. Sun sanitizing.”

“That’s common sense…?”