Eighteen’s Bed Novel Completed - Chapter 8

The meaning of those words was that Han Junwoo was still not tired of Han Taesan. That the ignorant Han Junwoo had thought of a different method. And that due to my stubbornness, the trajectory had accelerated. Still, knowing my place received from Han Junwoo, the very rational Kang Jun forced himself to raise his trembling cheek and said.

“Okay. Got it. You thought well too.”

Yes. Because I am your friend. Even if it feels like dying.

Funnily enough, after that, Han Junwoo really didn’t bully Han Taesan anymore. He didn’t hit him, nor did he threaten him with scary words.

I don’t know what happened in that short two-week period, but something big must have happened inside Han Junwoo, and it clearly changed his mind. That’s when I regretted it.

Han Junwoo would take Han Taesan to the cafeteria, sit him next to him, and suddenly throw a piece of bread onto Han Taesan’s desk. Then, if Han Taesan got scared by Han Junwoo’s actions, he would yell, “Damn it, am I going to eat you?!” and “Why are you looking at me with those eyes! It pisses me off.” He would blather on with such words, and then when Han Taesan left school, Han Junwoo would follow behind the poor Han Taesan, leaving me, who always went with him.

And just as Han Taesan changed, I also treated Han Taesan coldly. If our eyes met, I would openly turn my head away and avoid him. Well, that was the daily routine.

Han Taesan is poor. It was evident from his school uniform. I had never seen such worn-out fabric in my life. He probably inherited it from somewhere. But I didn’t pity him. I just thought there was such a kid and left it at that. I thought he was a kid I would never be involved with. He and I were not on the same level. Normally, I wouldn’t have exchanged a single word with him.

Where in Han Taesan did Han Junwoo find so much anger, and why did he chase him so relentlessly despite that anger? Why couldn’t he let go of Han Taesan? Was it because it was an experience he had never had before and found it fascinating? Should I have been born into a poor family too? I scratched my neck, thinking somewhat pathetically.

And just as life goes on, and seeing Han Junwoo sleep with women became more and more indifferent to me, Han Junwoo taking care of Han Taesan also began to feel indifferent. It was because quite a long time had passed. And also, that much time had passed without Han Junwoo and I speaking.

As a long time passed, the clueless Han Taesan did something foolish again. He subtly tried to act friendly with me again. As if he never got tired.

Now, Han Taesan didn’t eat as if he would choke in front of Han Junwoo, nor did he tremble foolishly every time. Occasionally, he would still tug lightly at my clothes, but that hadn’t changed. Then I would smile slightly and lift my arm to pull my clothes away.

Sometimes, when I looked into Han Taesan’s eyes, I felt an unpleasantness and fear deep in my chest. When Han Taesan looked at me, I would look at the floor. Then, one day, I suddenly felt the same emotion I had felt in the taxi on the way to the hotel to meet Han Junwoo, and I spent the night sleeping lightly with my face buried in my pillow.

That’s just how teenage love is, right?

Even when I tried to console myself like that, sadness wouldn’t leave me alone.

Also, lately, Han Junwoo has been talking to Han Taesan more often. He always talked to him a lot, but the problem was that his words had become a little gentler. Han Junwoo’s eyes, when he looked at Han Taesan, were always subtly trembling.

At that moment, when I was watching it and felt like I was going to die from agony, Go Yohan spoke to me.

Mostly useless words. Honestly, I was grateful for that.

Just one day, I suddenly became curious about Han Taesan and Han Junwoo’s walk home. A very simple curiosity that a jealous man might have arose.

Seeing Han Junwoo follow Han Taesan with muffled footsteps after Han Taesan left, it seemed they weren’t walking side by side, but I was curious about Han Junwoo, who tirelessly followed a grown boy. Even then, I had a bad feeling that this would be no different from Pandora’s Box.

A very small box that should not be opened. A box that you look into, knowing that it contains all the sorrows of the world, and a hope more sorrowful and wicked than despair.

“…Am I crazy, really?”

Yes, I’m not in my right mind. Despite knowing that, I followed Han Junwoo after school.

However, I didn’t even go halfway before turning back.

Han Junwoo carefully walked, trying not to be discovered by Han Taesan, while gazing at Han Taesan’s back. The old, peeling paint covering the cheap concrete. Rusty gates, dusty overpasses, cars with dented bumpers. Two boys walking back and forth in a place filled with such old and cheap scenery. Han Taesan and Han Junwoo. And me, staring blankly at them.

Everything felt so foolish, so idiotic, that I turned back.

Sitting at my desk in my dark room, I thought hard and felt that I had done well. I was curious, but I didn’t know what I would see if I followed them all the way. I considered it fortunate that I had only seen this much. Yes, it’s better not to know. I’m not a fool who opens Pandora’s Box out of trivial curiosity.

Han Junwoo’s obsession grew day by day, and Han Taesan still found Han Junwoo difficult. In another way, he seemed to dislike Han Junwoo.

No, he definitely dislikes him. And rightly so. There’s no way he’d look kindly upon the guy who kept beating him up ever since he transferred. Actually, I feel a little satisfied. Should I consider it fortunate that I didn’t stop Han Junwoo from hitting Han Taesan in the beginning?

I clasped my hands behind my head and looked at the ceiling. I saw the luxurious light fixture. My family was very well-off, and thanks to being an only child, I received overflowing love. I always lived having whatever I wanted.

“…Damn it.”

Until I loved Han Junwoo, I thought there was nothing in the world I couldn’t accomplish. The wicked Han Junwoo, who taught me the cruel reality that things don’t always go my way, must have lived like that too. And Han Junwoo must be realizing it desperately as well.

Ah, the world is so blatantly cruel.

At least I was better than Han Junwoo in that I knew how to control and hide things. Han Junwoo was consumed by his emotions and didn’t realize how he looked at Han Taesan. He was probably just uneasy about that sudden and unusual emotion.

It was an emotion I knew well because I had experienced it too. I endured, but Han Junwoo couldn’t. That’s why he consistently acted in a way that would make Han Taesan hate him, instead of trying to make a good impression. It was actually a good thing for me.

“Please, just don’t ever find out.”

Or, may a weary Han Taesan leave far away. I didn’t particularly harbor the desire for Han Junwoo to come to me. Rather, this kind of love was frightening.

I just wanted Han Junwoo to start another love someday when I no longer loved him. That was all. And as expected, the world doesn’t go my way.

Han Junwoo even swapped seats with Han Taesan’s desk mate. To the worst seat, right in front of the teacher’s desk. Despite being tall enough to block the entire blackboard, he insisted on sitting there. Han Taesan’s original desk mate awkwardly greeted Go Yohan and me, his face a mix of gratitude and bewilderment.

“Hi, guys.”

Go Yohan and I glanced at him and gave a short nod.

“Haha…”

Even though an awkward laugh was heard, neither Go Yohan nor I reacted. Probably because we weren’t interested.

Han Junwoo sat silently next to Han Taesan. All the time. So I wished and wished even more. That all the emotions we harbored would remain unmoved and awkward for another year and a half, and that this moment would become a midday dream, not even a memory.

Something else had changed. Han Junwoo, who used to spend his nights mixing with women every weekend, finally stopped that hobby. From the stories circulating among Han Junwoo’s and Go Yohan’s groups, it seemed he hadn’t entirely stopped, but at least he no longer openly boasted about his heroic deeds in the classroom or slept around.

For me, this was something. At least I no longer had to smell the traces of his lewd escapades directly.

“Hey, Han Junwoo. Aren’t you going to do this again? This?”

Hong Hwijun wiggled his butt in front of Han Junwoo, put his hand near his crotch, and moved it vulgarly. Han Junwoo’s calm face crumpled at the vulgar gesture, then he quickly glanced towards Han Taesan and shouted.

“You son of a bitch, I told you not to say that kind of thing where people are!”

“This bastard… Hey, why are you suddenly acting distant? Huh?”

“From now on, if you bring that up, you’re dead, Hong Hwijun.”

“Hey, Junwoo.”

“F-fuck, I told you to shut your mouth.”

“…Oh, okay.”

The kids were disappointed like this. Han Junwoo, who was taller than most adult men and gave off a mature vibe, had fully satisfied the curiosity of high school boys who were highly interested in sex.

The guys in Han Junwoo’s and Go Yohan’s groups had all, at least once, clumsily dabbled in sexual activity, so they would have been more excited than those who were completely innocent about sex. When Han Junwoo stopped talking about his relationships with women, the kids looked at Go Yohan with expectant eyes. But Go Yohan would bare his teeth and make a very disgusted face.

“You damn whoremongers.”

“Oh, again! Again! Go Yohan is talking nonsense again.”

“That nonsense is really true. He’s a fanatic.”

“Crazy bastard. That’s all a waste of resources too.”

A burst of laughter swept through.

Literally, most of the guys in the group had entered and exited the forbidden zone at least once, but Go Yohan, strangely, hadn’t. So, they jokingly teased him as a virgin, but no one could ignore Go Yohan. Because he was Go Yohan. At the same time, Go Yohan was a lighthearted guy in everything he did, so all his words and actions were light. Then everyone would like him or act friendly, saying he was a guy whose face didn’t match his personality.

“Hey. Damn it, Go Yohan, stop glaring. If you glare like that, I’ll piss myself.”

“Right. That bastard, he looks really scary.”

“You crazy bastards, do you want to die?”

The guys in the group shrieked at Go Yohan’s frowning words. It wasn’t even funny. While thinking that Go Yohan’s friends, or less than friends, who were sitting in the back of the classroom, were laughing and chattering hypocritically over nothing, I also joined in and stared blankly at my crotch.

“…”

According to my remaining memory, my private parts had never gotten hard for a woman. Perhaps, in that respect, I must have been gay since birth. When I watched erotic videos of men and women having sex, it would get hard, but I had never even masturbated while thinking of a woman’s body. The former seems to be that the stimulating situation excites me, and the latter seems to be that I don’t feel desire.

I had been dragged to a club once because of Han Junwoo, but I was turned away at the entrance. I didn’t have a fake ID. So I sometimes waited on the street until Han Junwoo came out. I hate brothels because they’re dirty. On the contrary, I even wonder why I should go to such places.

Thus, the guys in the group who hang out together call me the ascetic Kang Jun, but in reality, my asceticism is almost forced.

I sighed softly.

The kids were all so engrossed in talking about Go Yohan that they didn’t hear my sigh. At that moment, I looked at the silent Han Junwoo. Han Junwoo was quietly staring at the back of Han Taesan’s head, who was studying far away.

Then I regret it again. Why did I look at Han Junwoo again, curious about what? To forget reality, I threw a useless question at Go Yohan.

“So, you’re really not going to do it until you get married?”

Go Yohan, who was sitting as if lying in a chair, suddenly stared intently at my crotch. His gaze was unexpectedly persistent, and I instinctively crossed my legs to cover my center. W-What?

“You’re not my wife, so what does it matter? Why? Are you offering yourself?”

“…”

Just as I thought. This bastard always plays malicious pranks. At his words, the kids laughed, and I kicked Go Yohan’s shin with my foot. Such a day repeats every day.

Being in my room, there’s a very high chance of being alone, so I often think about various situations. Then I fall into completely absurd fantasies.

Today, I imagined what it would be like if I had fallen in love with Go Yohan instead of Han Junwoo. Because it seemed like a better situation than now. If I loved Go Yohan, my heart wouldn’t ache because of messy relationships with women.

Still, it would hurt just the same.

Neither Han Junwoo nor Go Yohan would ever love me. Still. At least my heart wouldn’t ache because of Han Taesan.

Such thoughts soon led to inferiority and anger, and I concluded by wishing I could just graduate quickly and become a stranger to Han Junwoo.

At some point, whenever I sat at my desk, my hand would go to my crotch. It officially started in my second year of middle school. The cause was always men. I fiddled with my pants buckle, lost in thought. Should I do it, or not? When I touched the buckle, the metal clinked against my fingernail. Just as I put pressure on my thumb to unbuckle, someone knocked on the door.

“Jun, student! Are you studying?”

“…Oh, no! No. Yes! I am!”

I almost fainted from surprise. Today was definitely a bust. I hid my face in my arms, ashamed. Crazy.

Lately, Han Junwoo has been very annoying.

Sometimes, whenever Han Taesan looked at me, Han Junwoo would intentionally talk to Han Taesan. Han Taesan would roll his eyes, look at me, open his mouth to speak, then close it. Then, seemingly mindful of Han Junwoo, he would bow his head and answer Han Junwoo’s words. In a very small voice.

“Uh, yeah.”

Like this.