Eighteen’s Bed Novel Completed - Chapter 41

Go Yohan chuckled softly, still looking at the ceiling. Go Yohan had a subtle way of praising me. It was like this even when I first met him. He was subtly lenient with me. He always seemed to like exemplary, good-at-studying kids. If you look closely, Go Yohan is quite the old-fashioned type. That old-fashioned guy tapped the book on his chest and said,

“Thank you?”

Go Yohan subtly turned his body. Lying on his side on the sofa, Go Yohan propped his head up with his arm. Go Yohan’s narrow eyes stared at me intently. It was just like when I first saw Go Yohan in my first year of high school. It felt like snake-like eyes.

“…Uh, uh.”

“Then does that mean you like me?”

“Huh?”

What on earth was he saying? How did “thank you” become “I like you”? My heart pounded with the sudden leap in logic. His narrow eyes, his high nose, his gloomy face—everything stimulated me.

Yes. I like you. I almost blurted it out without realizing.

Only then did my head cool down. The worries that had festered for so long finally found their answer in that moment. I couldn’t control my swirling vision. At the same time, despair set in. I tried my best to smile naturally as I opened my mouth.

“Of course. We’re friends.”

“Ah, friends.”

At my words, Go Yohan just smiled silently. Then he picked up the book from his chest again and read it. The conversation we just had passed by like any ordinary chat. The subsequent conversations were much the same. Only I was not ordinary. Not a single page of my textbook had been turned.

We continued to talk about nothing in particular until dinner. After dinner, Go Yohan picked up his bag, saying it was time to go. I quickly stood up and said,

“Going now?”

“Yeah.”

Go Yohan replied, checking his phone screen. His somewhat unenthusiastic answer made me feel uncomfortable. Once I understood the nature of that feeling, my head began to throb. All I wanted was to escape this situation. I touched my feverish forehead and continued.

“Okay, goodbye.”

“What?”

But his reply, as he put his phone in his pocket, was full of dissatisfaction.

“Aren’t you wearing your jacket?”

“…Why would I wear clothes?”

“You have to walk me home.”

“What kind of guys walk each other home? You live nearby anyway.”

“…Nearby?”

His excuse sounded plausible. At least, that’s how I felt. I scratched my neck, which wasn’t even itchy, and just looked at the floor. Then Go Yohan stayed silent for a long time before letting out a hollow laugh.

“Don’t tell anyone you’re my friend.”

“…Huh?”

That was a strange thing to say at that moment. I flared up instantly.

“What do you mean, don’t say I’m your friend just because I didn’t walk you home?”

“For a friend, aren’t you a little too uninterested in me?”

Go Yohan raised one eyebrow and tilted his head. It was truly absurd.

“…Like hell I am.”

Hearing his low voice spread softly, I retorted with a mix of indignation and a prick of guilt. Go Yohan’s quiet voice felt like an accusation.

“Why? Not walking you home means I’m uninterested?”

“That’s not it, but you are uninterested in me, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Really? Then what kind of idiot doesn’t know his friend lives next door?”

…What?

My mind went blank for a moment, as if empty. I instinctively looked up at Go Yohan’s face. His lips, curved upwards at an angle, seemed to be mocking me. His expression was so ambiguous, I couldn’t even tell if he was truly smiling. Go Yohan’s light laughter brushed past my ears and gently faded somewhere.

“Even if I lied a little for fun, not knowing until now is too much, isn’t it?”

While Go Yohan left, I was foolishly in a state of confusion. After he was gone, I fell into a swamp of endless questions. Next door? Go Yohan lives next door? Did he know about the commotion Han Junwoo, Han Taesan, and I caused? Could it be that Go Yohan was the one who closed the window?

Thinking back now, Go Yohan always made excuses to turn back on the way home from school, and we never once ran into each other on the way to school. This means our never meeting on the street was a thoroughly intentional result. Go Yohan had been lying for two years, just for “fun.”

Fun, but what kind of fun? What kind of fun exactly?

My mind was filled with chaos. I, the thief whose feet were burning, assigned meaning to every word Go Yohan had said as usual. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any plausible meaning. Go Yohan was always someone who acted without attaching much meaning to things. I fell deeper into the swamp of agonizing worry.

A week passed like that.

“Why do I have to wake up early even during vacation?”

It was Go Yohan, lamenting during break time while reading a comic book titled ‘500 Years of Joseon Dynasty in Comics’. Apparently, this time it was for Korean history. His excuses were really good.

After dropping that bombshell, Go Yohan acted as if nothing had happened. Since I wasn’t in a position to confront or be angry with Go Yohan, I had to suppress my curiosity inwardly.

“If you want to sleep in, then you shouldn’t have taken supplementary classes.”

“What are you talking about? Supplementary classes are a student’s duty.”

“Your friends don’t seem to be students, then.”

Go Yohan frowned and shook his head.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Those losers are not my friends.”

Was he really serious about that? I couldn’t fathom Go Yohan’s true feelings, openly disparaging the kids he’d hung out with for a year, right there in the classroom where everyone could hear.

If it was a joke, it could be seen as Go Yohan’s characteristic malicious humor, but if it was serious, it was impressive. He truly was insensitive. He seemed like a child who had never once descended from the top of the pyramid.

“So, when you graduate, are you going to cut off all contact?”

“Graduate?”

Go Yohan glanced at the phone on his desk and snorted.

“Have you ever seen me keep in touch with the guys I hung out with in first year?”

“How would I know who you hung out with in the first year?”

It stung, but it was true. Go Yohan in first year was outside my realm of interest. I knew nothing about him back then. At most, I only knew rumors I’d heard secondhand.

“Wow, seriously…”

The smile that had been plastered on Go Yohan’s face just moments ago completely vanished.

“You’re really too much, you are.”

Was he serious, or was he joking? Did he really think I was “too much”? I just realized it now, but Go Yohan would be an excellent actor. Perhaps it was his calling. Go Yohan’s eyes truly shimmered with disappointment and hurt.

“We weren’t close then.”

I quickly made an excuse. Go Yohan, with his head tilted, stared down at me silently. The gaze from his unmoving eyes somehow drew out more guilt.

“…”

“…”

Was that hurt real? Was that gaze perhaps contempt? Disdain? I couldn’t bear to meet Go Yohan’s persistent gaze for long. I lowered my head slightly, as if to avoid it. The rosary hanging from Go Yohan’s wrist, draped over the chair, dangled. Go Yohan was a devout Catholic. And he hated gays.

Then Go Yohan might not have been the witness that dawn. He wasn’t the type to tolerate a friend who didn’t meet his standards. So, was it Go Yohan’s sibling or parent? I’d rather it be his sibling. Thinking that Go Yohan’s father, whom I’d seen recently, might have witnessed that scene, was embarrassing enough to make me want to die. Still, it was better than Go Yohan.

Or maybe he saw me as a card to be discarded someday. As Go Yohan said, if we were in different classes in third year, contact might be cut off immediately. If we passed each other in the hallway, I’d be ignored. If he bothered to come to my class to talk, he might acknowledge my greeting but treat me like an invisible man. My palms were sweating. My stomach felt heavy with anxiety about this dark future.

What if Go Yohan spread rumors? Now, without Go Yohan, there was no shield to protect me. If rumors spread, should I transfer schools immediately? At such an awkward time, in my third year of high school?

I was scared. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Go Yohan. Han Junwoo’s blathering about me was the barking of a fallen dog, but anything Go Yohan said would be the sharp conjecture and discovery of a powerful person. Even without evidence, if I was the subject, it would spread for fun.

Especially if Han Junwoo and Go Yohan both said Kang Jun was gay? I’d truly become irredeemable trash, an object of ridicule. I absolutely did not want that to happen.

“…Sorry. Did I upset you?”

I had to survive. So I offered a pathetic apology.

“Is ‘sorry’ all there is?”

I couldn’t tell his expression, so I didn’t know the intent behind this reproach. Still, I couldn’t lift my head. I just looked at his legs in front of me. His widely spread legs were long enough to reach my seat. Now, I didn’t even dare to look at Go Yohan’s hand. It was because I was afraid of seeing the rosary hidden by his uniform. I gradually became immersed in an invisible, psychological terror.

“…Is there anything you want?”

“I have a lot of money. My house is richer than yours.”

“…”

Right. Go Yohan must have had everything he ever wanted.

“You know, not something I want, but something I’d like you to do for me.”

“…What is it?”

Become the class’s laughingstock like Han Junwoo? Or become invisible like your friends? My gaze dropped further, reaching Go Yohan’s feet. Long-legged Go Yohan. His long legs had somehow found their way under my chair.

Suddenly, a cold finger touched below my chin. The cool hand lifted my head. My gaze, raised by Go Yohan, met him.

“Just look at me.”

“…Huh?”

“It’s so obvious you’re thinking about other things that I don’t even know who I’m talking to.”

Go Yohan’s eyes, meeting mine, smiled gently. Though the small pupils between his curved eyes weren’t so gentle. My lower belly tingled at his face. Damn it. As I stared blankly at Go Yohan’s face, the bell signaling the start of class rang.

I had to make an excuse and leave the classroom during class. Damn it.

“Seriously, you crazy bastard… you pathetic, idiotic bastard…”

I hit my forehead with my fist, abusing myself. Even when I waited for the heat to subside in the corner of the restroom, and when I returned to class to listen to the lesson, I couldn’t stop thinking about Go Yohan.

I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t. The reason was that Go Yohan was sitting next to me. When class ended, Go Yohan could see me just by tilting his head. Go Yohan stretched widely, then lifted his head and looked down at me. He just looked down.

“…Why?”

I asked because he just started without saying anything. Go Yohan sometimes did such burdensome things.

“What.”

“It’s burdensome. Don’t look.”

“Yes. Understood.”

Go Yohan bowed his head deeply while sitting. It was a playful gesture. He’s even joking with me like this now. Does he really think of me as a friend?

Indeed, Go Yohan and Han Junwoo were different. If Han Junwoo was too simple, Go Yohan was too complex. If the answer wouldn’t come out no matter how much I thought about it, then thinking was a waste of time. I straightened my back and directly asked Go Yohan, who was stretching. Still, as subtly as possible.

“So, if you and I aren’t in the same class next year…”

Go Yohan puffed out his cheeks and widened his eyes. He wiggled his eyebrows. It meant for me to continue.

“…will you cut off contact with me too?”

“Pfft.”

Will you abandon me? A sound like a balloon pricked by a needle, deflating completely, came from Go Yohan’s mouth. Go Yohan laughed. As if dumbfounded.

“You think of all sorts of things.”

“What?”

“It means you’re thinking useless thoughts.”

Go Yohan pouted.

“And if contact is cut off, you’ll be the one to cut off contact with me.”