Eighteen’s Bed Novel Completed - Chapter 125

Because of me, he threw away his rosary because of me. At that moment, my entire body began to tremble.

“……Go Yohan was really lucky.”

What am I saying? My body was trembling so much that my whole body ached. All my muscles are cramped. I felt muscle pain that squeezed me. My mind sought something to lean on. It was the phone in my hand. For no other reason than it was in my hand, I clung to that object.

“Go Yohan believed in God and the Lord so terribly.”

There were three people in that space, but no one listened to my words. However, my mouth babbled something, as if trying to regain its sanity.

I gripped the phone as if it would burst. I know. I was just looking for someone to blame.

‘Why me, of all people? Why me, not Go Yohan?’

At that moment, I didn’t want to admit the words I had thought. No, if I had taken all that liquid, that resentment might have been valid. But it wasn’t me. Go Yohan took it instead. Go Yohan took it instead of me, who had such selfish thoughts. I wasn’t hurt at all. The price came as punishment.

Vivid pain gnawed at my mind. Endless guilt gripped my hair and pulled it up. Pain, as if my head would be pulled out, consumed my thoughts. And so, to survive, I resented.

“If he believed that much, he should have shown some mercy, should have helped…”

Unable to even look at Go Yohan, I cried out silently in the quiet pandemonium. And it happened in a flash. The moment my finger touched the bottom of the phone, something unbelievable happened.

“Oh…”

Through my blurry vision, I saw the screen light up. And then, suddenly, the malicious act I had committed came to mind.

“Ah, right…”

I registered my fingerprint on Go Yohan’s phone. Right.

The brightly lit screen slowly darkened towards me.

The question of why I hadn’t even thought of using Go Yohan’s fingerprint didn’t occur to me. Why hadn’t even the paramedics told me? Or did I just not hear them? I was so idiotic that I didn’t know anything.

I am cowardly to the very end. Was the grave responsibility that approached me too heavy? Or was I trying to postpone the worst reality, which surged like a storm, even for a little while? Either way, there’s no excuse for the coward who fled the hospital the moment Go Yohan’s mother appeared.

However, I realized I couldn’t escape anyway when I stood at the crosswalk in front of the hospital for over 30 minutes, watching the blue light change dozens of times. The words “Surgery in Progress,” glowing red in my mind, chased after me.

The white line drawn on the ground grabbed my ankle.

“……”

I’m not a car, so why am I stopped at the stop line? Oh, I guess I can’t cross this line after all. Realizing this, I turned my body. Then I squatted down at the bustling emergency room entrance.

And so, in that confusion, it was evening when I finally went to find Go Yohan. It was after everything was over.

I was so out of my mind that I didn’t even know what had happened. When I went to the reception desk in a terrible state and asked, I only heard that the surgery had been successfully completed. But the cowardly guilt didn’t disappear; it tormented me in a different way.

Especially the man standing at the hospital room entrance, quietly looking at the closed door, was also my fear.

“……Ah.”

Damn it, I finally ran into him.

“You’re here.”

I looked at Go Yohan’s father with a half-devastated gaze. He frowned slightly, but spoke to me in a very relaxed tone.

“Your face is a mess.”

“……Huh?”

“You should go wash your face.”

At his words, I hastily turned my head and looked at my reflection in the window. Only then did I understand his words. I looked like a monster. My swollen skin was grotesque. My face burned, and I covered it with the back of my hand.

“You’re too sympathetic.”

Thinking he might be talking about me, I slightly raised my covered face. The moment our eyes met, I instinctively avoided his gaze. No matter how I looked at him, he resembled Go Yohan. Or rather, Go Yohan resembled his father, but the resemblance was disturbingly strong.

“……”

The tall man, like a future Go Yohan, stood ramrod straight, looking at me obliquely. He was indeed talking about me. However, the reason I was mistaken was because of the subtly disparaging nuance.

“I raised him quite well, but he’s too weak.”

Was he talking about me, or Go Yohan? His words were so incomprehensible that I couldn’t even retort. It felt like the only action allowed to me was to stare blankly at the floor like a sinner.

“Don’t worry. It was neutralized. And your response was neither good nor bad.”

“……”

“Washing it with water was good, but the water stream was too strong, which caused the wound to spread further. And the fabric melted and mixed with his skin, damaging the skin underneath, and the scar will probably last a lifetime. His fingers will also tremble because of nerve damage.”

“N-nerve damage?”

“But Jun, did you enjoy your winter vacation?”

It was a very sudden question. I didn’t even understand his intention in asking this in the current situation. I just widened my eyes and asked back.

“What?”

“Seeing that you’ve lost some weight, it doesn’t seem like it was a good vacation.”

“Ah…”

I nodded as if possessed by something.

“……Yes.”

“That.”

There was a gaze silently looking down at me. How could I raise my head in front of that gaze? It felt like someone was pressing down hard on the back of my head. I only looked at the floor. All I saw below were Go Yohan’s father’s black leather gloves. They were always luxurious, good quality gloves whenever I saw them.

A long coat, long pants, and leather shoes. There was not a single corner that revealed his true self. Everything was black and murky. The soft, firm heel lightly tapped the hospital floor. It was an action that resembled Go Yohan when he wanted to draw attention. Go Yohan often tapped his fingers together to make a sound when he wanted to gather attention.

As I had seen sometime before, he slowly took off his gloves. The good quality leather revealed his long fingers. A well-polished silver ring was visible between his fingers. A low, deep voice belatedly flowed out.

“That’s unfortunate.”

Did he really feel sorry for me? I, at just twenty, could never know now. I simply missed my parents terribly. Not Go Yohan’s parents, but my own parents. Sorrow and guilt mingled, moistening my eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Do you think I’m angry?”

The response I received when I managed to force out a voice crushed with moisture and bowed my head was so different from what I expected. I was flustered, and he was dumbfounded. Unconsciously, I raised my head, and my eyes met his, which were so deep and dark. Eyes that didn’t reveal what he was thinking. Those eyes smiled slightly and said,

“I hope you don’t fear me so much. I am generous.”

“……Huh?”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

Normally, in this situation, wouldn’t a biblical story like ‘don’t suffer over mistakes everyone makes’ come out? But the words of the one who gave Go Yohan his blood were completely different from the Bible.

“Even if you start on the same line, the rank and prize you’ll receive at the end are decided, so you just have to wait for mistakes.”

It was a worldview beyond imagination. This was Go Yohan’s blood. A hand in black leather slowly brushed back my bangs. I stared at that kindness with rigid eyes.

“That’s why mistakes are lovely.”

“……”

“Of course, only mistakes I didn’t make.”

Upon hearing that, I fell into a deeper, water-filled swamp. Moss clung to my arms and legs.

“Jun, you’ve become a lovely being to that bastard.”

I couldn’t even say I was sorry, too busy trying to force a breath under the overwhelming weight that choked me. The silence was so heavy that even the ticking of the clock was muffled. It felt like this wasn’t a hospital corridor, but a path to a funeral home.

A heavy silence fell. Even as my breathing crawled along the floor, a reckless courage, born of an emotion I couldn’t tell if it was pity, guilt, or lingering attachment, tickled my lips. It was a situation where I should have kept my mouth shut, but I knew that if I didn’t speak now, I wouldn’t be able to. I didn’t have the confidence to voluntarily seek out Go Yohan’s father.

If I were to meet Go Yohan’s father after today, it would require a great deal of resolve. Only then would I be able to face him. That’s how heavy it was. So I gathered my courage now.

“……Excuse me, may I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Do, do you love Go, Go Yohan?”

Go Yohan’s father heard my words and lightly pressed his dignified forehead with his index finger. His mouth, hidden by his coat sleeve, was definitely smiling faintly. Seeing that smile, a small shiver ran down my spine. The benevolence on his obliquely upturned lips brought terror. I thought it made no sense. It wasn’t a smile a parent should make. The cause of his son being half-crippled was right in front of him.

“Of course, I love him, he’s my child.”

Then, was Go Lo-sa’s word true after all? Just as a massive wall was about to be built in front of my nose, Go Yohan’s father continued.

“Second, though.”

“……What?”

“If I had to rank them… yes, he’s second among my children.”

“……By birth order?”

“Of course not.”

A vast plain covered in heavy snow, with nothing but snow visible in every direction, and the feeling that if you stepped on the ground, you’d fall into a deep cliff hidden by the snow. If Go Yohan’s father became nature, I dared to imagine he’d be in such a place.

A man who openly displayed the order of his children.

“Can you rank them?”

“Why not?”

“They say there’s no finger that doesn’t hurt when you bite it…”

“Ah.”

His lips, which seemed as if they would remain closed forever, slowly curved upwards. I suddenly and hastily averted my gaze. The smiling face that flashed by momentarily resembled Go Yohan. In truth, Go Yohan must have resembled him. But despite such a resemblance, Go Yohan was ranked second. Why? Confusing questions consumed me. And the moment the dignified voice spoke, I awoke from my consumption.

“There’s no finger that doesn’t hurt, but the finger for wearing a ring is decided.”

“……Then, who wears the ring?”

It was pure curiosity. There was also a hint of resentment. As a child, as Go Yohan’s child. I asked a question that a child would naturally be curious about.

“That.”

Go Yohan’s father raised his head and looked down at me.

“Only I should know.”