Define The Relationship Novel - Chapter 93

Last night, Karlyle did not sleep in the same place as Ash. It was something he would never have imagined doing normally. The result was not good. Karlyle stayed awake all night. He simply couldn’t fall asleep.

Feeling as though his humanity had hit rock bottom, he couldn’t focus on anything. He, who had always prided himself on maintaining a poker face and composure, was utterly devastated by a single conflict with Ash. Moreover, he was the one who had foolishly started the quarrel.

To quarrel with Ash.

Not only that, but he had slapped Ash’s hand away and refused his touch. The situation where he pushed away the person he had always yearned to touch felt like a lie. But he had actually done such a thing.

Feeling awkward being together, Karlyle ultimately avoided being near Ash, except when seeing guests off yesterday. With their attitudes clearly contrasting with the previous day, everyone seemed to notice something by the time they left. Ron, the Omega who had given Ash’s number, looked at them with an anxious face before leaving. Natalie looked at Karlyle worriedly, then exchanged a few words with Ash. It was evident that he had ruined the ending, and Karlyle’s self-reproach reached its peak at that moment.

The housewarming party, which should have ended pleasantly, was ruined, and he had told Ash he didn’t want to talk to him. The atmosphere in the mansion was terrible. The bleak, heavy air choked him. Normally, after yesterday’s party, they were supposed to go to Whipsnade in Bedfordshire, not far from London. Ash had suggested going to Whipsnade Zoo, famous for its vast grounds where animals roamed freely.

Naturally, that plan was postponed. The schedule was implicitly delayed. With an endlessly gloomy heart, he even thought that the future might never come.

The shock subsided a little by evening. He still felt very startled and had no appetite. Ash’s words, saying it wasn’t like that, echoed in his ears. Remembering that, he began to think that the stories about bonding or marriage might not be true.

However, the mere fact that all of Ash’s acquaintances mentioned someone named Hazel in Karlyle’s presence was still unpleasant. It was natural for other topics to come up in a gathering of people with connections, but that didn’t change the fact that Karlyle happened to overhear it. He was bothered by how important Hazel was to Ash that everyone naturally associated and talked about her.

After dating Ash, he had thought he was doing well in maintaining the relationship, but it dawned on him with a shudder that it was much harder and more overwhelming than he had imagined. He didn’t want to fight, yet he found his angry self unfamiliar. Perhaps because this was his first truly confrontational relationship, Karlyle couldn’t control anything.

He didn’t know where to start fixing things, from beginning to end. But Karlyle knew he didn’t want this situation to continue. To do that, he had to talk to Ash. This thought came to him after staying up all night and clearing his head, allowing his reason to return.

As soon as morning came, Karlyle sat down at his desk. The heavy ebony desk looked unusually black today. It seemed like a good idea to calmly organize how to talk to Ash. He took out a white sheet of paper. His hand, holding a fountain pen, neatly wrote down words.

He wrote the number 1. First, he wanted to apologize for being rude and pushing him away. After that, he wanted to ask what kind of relationship he had with this Hazel person… and after hearing that, what should he say?

As Karlyle wrote down the numbers, he came face to face with his utterly selfish true feelings. He wished to be the most precious person to Ash. He wanted to be the best, past and present. Karlyle, who had never coveted Kyle’s position and was content with merely fulfilling his role as a cog, was now, for the first time, being greedy for Ash. He wanted to be Ash’s first. He desperately wished to be the only one, not someone who followed another.

To confirm if he deserved to be that person, Karlyle had no choice but to ask. How Ash thought of him, and if he ever intended to make him his partner.

If he were to ask that, he wanted to do it while creating a beautiful memory Ash would never forget. But wasn’t it contradictory to prepare such a situation when he had just gotten angry? Moreover, the possibility that Ash might be fed up with him because of yesterday’s incident couldn’t be ignored.

His mind was a mess. He put down the fountain pen. Rubbing the paper with his index finger, he slowly got up and left the room. While he was lost in thought, it was already past ten. A somewhat chilly sunlight filled the hallway and the entire house through the front windows. On a day that should have been a pleasant holiday, Karlyle was greeting the morning alone, without Ash’s warmth. That fact brought an unbearable loneliness to Karlyle’s heart.

Karlyle walked quietly to their bedroom. Seeing the open door, something warm spread within him. Longing surged. He missed Ash so much that he couldn’t imagine how he had dared to push him away. He felt like something terrible would happen if he didn’t tell him he loved him right away.

He impatiently pushed the door open. But the bed was empty. The room was silent.

Karlyle, looking at the unusually desolate empty bed, twisted his eyes and immediately turned around. He went straight down to Ash’s studio. His footsteps echoed anxiously down the stairs.

Ash wasn’t in the studio either. Karlyle, who had briefly opened the door and thoroughly searched inside, then began to search the entire house. Impatience pricked his heart like a needle. His pulse beat unsteadily.

Karlyle checked every room, bathroom, and utility room before finally finding a note in the kitchen. His trembling hands slowly calmed as he saw it. On the wooden tray where the note lay, there was also breakfast. Well-baked beans, mashed potatoes, and French toast with syrup served separately were visible. There was also a modest salad and a half-cooked egg placed in an egg cup.

His fingertips tingled. Karlyle walked towards it, pressing his lips together. On the neatly placed note, Ash’s tidy handwriting was written like a painting.

‘I’ll be back from the office soon. Will you please eat, even if you don’t have an appetite? You didn’t eat yesterday either. If you feel a little better, I hope you’ll listen to me then. I love you.’

How strange. It was just writing, but emotions seemed to seep through it. Karlyle quietly touched the note. After re-reading the note more than ten times right there, Karlyle looked down at the tray. His eyes felt oddly sour.

Apology now consumed his heart to an uncontrollable degree. Karlyle silently pulled out a chair and sat down, straightened his back, and picked up a fork. Then, slowly, he began to put the things Ash had prepared, one by one, under his lips.

He ate not only because Ash wanted him to, but also because he was grateful for the thoughtfulness of Ash, who had prepared a meal for him even in this situation. Karlyle quietly finished everything Ash had prepared, leaving nothing behind.

However, Ash did not return even after lunch. Had his work been prolonged? It was a holiday until today, Monday, so there shouldn’t have been much work at the office. He could do work himself if he wanted to, but he felt he would make mistakes in his current state, so he decided to quietly wait for Ash.

He watched from the nearby drawing-room, looking outside, so he would know as soon as Ash entered the front door. As time passed, there was no sign of Ash’s car. Karlyle just stared outside, like someone who knew nothing but waiting for Ash. He sat motionless, waiting endlessly for Ash.

Finally, around four in the afternoon, Karlyle concluded that it would be better to go find Ash himself. It seemed too long for a “brief visit” to the office. However, this was merely an excuse. He couldn’t bear it any longer. He missed Ash.

It had only been a little over a day, and they hadn’t properly seen each other even at home, but his insides felt as empty as if they had been separated for years. Perhaps it was because this was their first quarrel with Ash. A sense of emptiness kept washing over him. Unable to endure the solitude, Karlyle left the house.

The streets of London, still on holiday, were quieter than usual. Sunlight, glittering like grains of sand, scattered across the concrete road. Karlyle witnessed couples walking hand-in-hand disappear outside the car window several times, and each time, he sped up the car. It was an act contrary to his usual strict adherence to the speed limit.

Thanks to the lack of traffic, Karlyle arrived at Covent Garden quite quickly. He struggled to rein in his desire to park anywhere and finally finished parking. Covent Garden, usually bustling with people, was quiet today. Ash’s company also seemed that way.

Due to the holiday, there was no one in the lobby. The door was open, but the reception was empty, so Karlyle hesitated for a moment before making a decision. Ash’s private office was on the fifth floor of the studio. He turned his steps towards the elevator.

Despite his urgency, the elevator ascended slowly. Finally, the floor indicator changed to 5, and the door opened. Karlyle immediately scanned his surroundings. There was no one in the corridor. A glass wall separated the corridor from the studio. Karlyle, gazing inside at the desks and large monitors, soon spotted two men standing in the center of the spacious floor.

And Karlyle recognized them at a glance. One of them, he just knew, even though he had never met him before.

Ash was talking to someone. His face was shadowed because he was backlit by the sunlight filling the studio, which was so bright it hurt his eyes. So Karlyle couldn’t see Ash’s expression. However, Karlyle could see the face of the man standing opposite, looking up at Ash.

At a glance, he was a man who seemed delicate, needing protection. His much smaller stature matched the typical image of a beautiful Omega in society. His fair, slender neck and soft brown hair had a sweet color, just like his name.

Even from a fleeting side profile, Karlyle could tell the man was remarkably beautiful. He was just the right height, such that if Ash were to embrace him, he would be buried in his arms. Karlyle stood stiffly, watching them converse.

Was this why he came to the office?

Ron’s words, that he had given Ash’s number to Hazel, came to mind. Johan’s words, “Wouldn’t it be okay since it’s Ash?”, seemed to be wrong after all. Ash had responded to the contact of his former lover, who had taken all of his firsts. Even with Karlyle by his side.

For a fleeting few seconds, all sorts of unpleasant thoughts filled his head. He wondered if Ash, regardless of loving him, still harbored lingering feelings for Hazel, and then, he even wondered if Ash, fed up with the ugly attitude he had shown, would choose Hazel again. His blood instantly froze.

The man, who seemed to be earnestly explaining something, reached out his hand towards Ash’s face. The moment the hand came close to touching his cheek, Karlyle turned around. He didn’t want to see it. He couldn’t bear to see someone else touching his Ash.

He immediately pressed the elevator button. The door opened quickly this time. He stepped inside without looking back. Only after hearing the door close did Karlyle turn around. Then he pressed the button for the lobby floor.

Unsettling imaginations, from where they had been hiding, once again consumed Karlyle. Ash had said that he started dating Alphas because of Karlyle. However, rationally speaking, spending a lifetime with an Alpha who couldn’t fully resolve his rut or bond with him was not stable in many ways. As long as Karlyle’s secondary gender was Alpha, he would never be able to fully satisfy Ash’s physiological needs.

He saw his face reflected in the elevator door. Never in his life had he looked as pathetic as he did today. The door opened. Karlyle exited the elevator with mechanical movements. His slow steps carried him forward.

However, just before leaving the company, Karlyle remembered something important he had forgotten. What Ash had told him during his first rut.

Ash said Karlyle was the first person he had ever knotted with.

His steps halted. If Ash had loved that Omega named Hazel so much, and had intended to bond and marry her, wouldn’t he have knotted with her already? Alpha condoms were made to prevent unwanted pregnancies, so even if they used contraception, knotting itself might have been possible. But Ash hadn’t done so.

Karlyle stood still for a moment, looking ahead. Hesitation clung to him stubbornly, refusing to break. But Karlyle finally managed to turn back the way he came. He didn’t want to let Ash be swayed by the other person like this. Ash was Karlyle’s.

He was the only one Karlyle had. The only one he wanted.

He couldn’t let him be taken away. Even if Ash’s heart had drifted away from him just a little, if he clung on somehow, wouldn’t Ash stay by his side? Karlyle was prepared to endure anything to keep Ash with him. His pride or dignity didn’t matter.