Alpha Trauma Novel (Completed) - Chapter 84. Shower (1)

If someone asked if he had ever been abandoned, Wooyeon could firmly say no. From a very young age until now, he had always been on the choosing side, not the chosen side. There might have been people anxious to impress him, but he had never tried to gain favor in anyone else’s eyes.

The first time Wooyeon felt “abandoned” was yesterday. Abandoned by his mother, with whom he had spent his whole life, abandoned by his teacher, on whom he relied for life, and abandoned by the world he had stubbornly endured. Wooyeon was just curious about who Kim Dohyun was.

“So…”

Dohyun continued his story for a very long time. How he grew up, where he met Soohyang, and when he started living with his current parents. The content was complex, and there were many circumstances, but his voice remained calm as he spoke.

“I couldn’t tell you.”

The voice carried on the wind gently settled on Wooyeon’s knees. An expression he had never seen before revealed raw anxiety. His quietly clenched fists also showed how tense he was.

Wooyeon slowly turned his head to look at the scenery outside the window. The cherry blossoms had all fallen, and only fresh green leaves heralded the approaching summer. The rainy season would probably come soon, and after that rain, this semester would end.

“I’m sorry.”

The Teacher Wooyeon remembered was always composed and flawless. He always keenly observed Wooyeon’s emotions, and occasionally, when Wooyeon was down, he would offer comforting words. Whatever their form, the gentle and kind words always left a deep impression on Wooyeon’s heart.

“I’m sorry, Yeon-ah.”

That’s why Wooyeon was always curious about Dohyun. Who he was, what kind of life he lived, what he thought, and what emotions he felt.

“I didn’t want to be abandoned by you.”

Such a Dohyun was now saying he was scared. Pleading not to be abandoned, apologizing and saying it was all his fault. His vulnerability, enough to make one want to hug him, even evoked sympathy despite Wooyeon’s anger.

“I…”

Wooyeon barely managed to start, then closed his mouth again. The long story had no fitting concluding remark. Dohyun’s words were jumbled and tangled in his complicated mind.

“I… actually…”

The wind blew gently through the slightly open window. The slightly humid air was the exact opposite of the dry pheromones emanating from Dohyun. Wooyeon slowly lowered his eyes, shifting his gaze to the floor.

“…I understand.”

This was what came out. Just one sentence: a purely intellectual understanding of Dohyun’s situation. And then, slow but clear words of empathy towards him.

“If I were Teacher… I wouldn’t have been able to tell me either. And I wouldn’t have been able to say this, even if it were me.”

Wooyeon said so and raised his head. Beyond his pulled-down hat, Dohyun was visible, his lips pressed tightly. He wasn’t smiling as usual, nor was he waiting calmly. At that, Wooyeon’s voice trailed off.

“I understand, I understand it in my head, but…”

Dohyun’s circumstances, even to Wooyeon who knew nothing, were bitter to hear. Wooyeon couldn’t even dare to guess how lonely Dohyun must have been at such a young age. While Wooyeon felt stifled in his narrow world, Dohyun had no small control device to restrain him.

“…But I can’t say it’s okay.”

But even when no one is at fault, someone inevitably gets hurt. Wooyeon knew that Dohyun couldn’t help it, but he was still upset. Still, he should have told me. Still, he should have shown it. Still, still… The endless ‘stills’ prevented understanding from turning into forgiveness.

“It’s only been a day.”

Yesterday, after leaving Dohyun, Wooyeon cried until his stomach hurt. He cried while riding in Driver Yoon’s car, and he cried while passing the tall, high wall. In the house he was entering for the first time in four years, he poured out all his sorrow with tears flowing just as they had four years ago.

“How can it be okay in just one day?”

The medicine prescribed by time hadn’t taken effect enough for him to say it was okay. His mind couldn’t overcome his heart, and Wooyeon was still hurt by him. The betrayal he hadn’t erased still stubbornly blocked his vision whenever he tried to forget.

“I can’t do it, Teacher.”

“…Do you think it will be okay if more time passes?”

Dohyun stared at Wooyeon. It seemed like a hopeful question, but his dark eyes held nothing but resignation. Wooyeon noticed this and answered in a very small voice.

“No.”

‘…’

“I’m sorry.”

A breath-like tone brought silence between them. Dohyun said nothing, and Wooyeon pulled down his hat and stood up.

As he was about to grab his bag, a low voice was heard.

“I wasn’t asking for forgiveness.”

Dohyun bowed his head, covering his eyes with his large hand. Below his straight fingers, the veined back of his hand was visible. Dohyun sighed a few times and continued calmly.

“I know that whatever I say, your mind won’t change. And unilaterally holding on won’t stop us from breaking up.”

His tone was calm, but the emotions within it were not. Wooyeon thought that Dohyun’s emotions were unusually clear today. There had always been a certain distance, but now it felt like pulling back a curtain and looking inside.

“Understanding it in your head but not in your heart… I know what that’s like. I expected it.”

Having said that, Dohyun took a deep breath. A few more breaths escaped, carrying his dry pheromones to Wooyeon. Dohyun, still with his head bowed, whispered almost inaudibly.

“But I still like you, what can I do?”

‘…’

Time seemed to stop. Every moment revolved around Dohyun’s every word. In the quietened surroundings, only Dohyun’s desperate voice echoed.

“I thought about it a lot, you know.”

‘…’

“Wouldn’t it be better to just break up like this? Since it’s my fault, maybe I don’t deserve to cling like this.”

‘…’

“Actually, I was going to tell you honestly and then give up if you still said no. Because it’s selfish to keep holding on, I was going to go along with whatever you wanted.”

His face was covered, so Wooyeon couldn’t see what expression he was making. Whether his face was distorted, his eyes narrowed, or even if he was biting his lips.

“But I can’t give up.”

‘…’

“I don’t think I can.”

Dohyun slowly raised only his eyes and looked at Wooyeon. His eyes were red, but there were no tears at the corners. His gentle and kind eyes slowly began to distort.

“Don’t go, Wooyeon-ah.”

Wooyeon didn’t stop him from reaching out. The hand that was holding his bag was caught by Dohyun, but he didn’t even try to pull it away.

Dohyun carefully placed his forehead against the hand he held with both of his.

“I can’t let you go like this.”

Warm body heat was felt. A slightly hot warmth was transmitted through every point of contact. His melancholic pheromones were also overflowing.

“Please don’t go…”

Has he ever heard such a desperate plea? Wooyeon looked down at Dohyun’s head and bit his lower lip firmly. A pang in his chest made him feel as if he would get indigestion without having eaten anything.

It had only been a day. Just as the betrayal he felt hadn’t faded, his affection for him hadn’t cooled either. If his feelings could have cooled in just one day, he wouldn’t have felt this agonizing.

“I… I like you, Teacher.”

At the quietly uttered words, Dohyun raised his head. But true to his quick wit, his eyes were full of anxiety. Wooyeon slowly pulled his hand away and turned his head to the side.

“But there are things that can’t happen, even if you like someone.”

Wooyeon no longer had the confidence to like Dohyun. He didn’t have the courage to show him everything, pour out his emotions, and love him. He had poured out too much affection already, and his full heart had become empty.

“This was wrong from the start.”

With those words, Wooyeon picked up his bag again. If he left the club room, leaving Dohyun behind, it would clearly be the end this time. If the door closed, his heart would close too, and that locked space would never open again.

Just a senior-junior relationship. Perhaps he could get along with Dohyun just like that. Like with Daniel, he could draw appropriate lines and recall it as a good memory from the past. Of course, that too was merely a temporary connection with a set duration.

Dohyun couldn’t say anything until Wooyeon stood at the club room door. As he reached for the doorknob, Wooyeon felt a déjà vu that their relationship would end like yesterday. But just before opening the door, a low voice came from behind him.

“…Then let’s start over.”

The voice from behind sounded somewhat resolute. The hand reaching for the door instinctively stopped.

“Not as Teacher, but as Sunbae, or just as an older brother. We can just start over from the beginning.”

“What are you talking about?”

Wooyeon involuntarily turned his head to look at Dohyun. What he was saying was too absurd. Dohyun, unfazed by Wooyeon’s bewildered expression, spoke in a serious voice.

“I’ll confess my feelings to you every day.”

For a moment, he didn’t understand his words. Confess every day, why? As if reading his mind, Dohyun calmly explained further.

“I won’t ask you to like me, and I won’t ask you to date me. I’ll just confess.”

‘…’

“You can just ignore me, or sometimes curse at me, or even kick me, I’ll take it.”

It was an utterly shameless statement. No, it even sounded foolish. Where had Wooyeon’s words gone, and what would change by doing that?

“…It’s useless.”

“Whether it’s useless or not, we’ll only know if we try.”

Dohyun didn’t approach Wooyeon and just met his gaze. Then, in a very serious voice, he spoke clearly.

“I like you.”

‘…’

On the day they decided to date, Dohyun had promised to tell him until he believed it. It was also a phrase he hadn’t properly heard since then.

To Wooyeon, who was quietly biting his lip, the same words were heard again.

“I like you, Wooyeon-ah.”

Wooyeon no longer hesitated and opened the club room door. Dohyun didn’t stop him, but instead spoke in a resolute voice.

“See you tomorrow.”

Naturally, Wooyeon didn’t answer.

However, even as the door closed, he felt as if he could still hear the voice saying “I like you.” For some reason, he had a subtle feeling that this relationship would change.